In the Confines of Darkness
by TriggerHappyWorld
Summary: After a tough SVU case that wasn't meant to be his, Bobby not only finds himself facing an unknown abductor, but he's confronted with his own worst enemy: himself. B/A relationship. LOCI/SVU crossover. Part 1 in series.
1. I got a feeling something ain't right

**A/N:** This story is a cross-over between L&O:CI, L&O:SVU, and a slight reference to the original L&O with the cameo appearance of Detective Ed Green with a mention of Detective Lennie Briscoe.

**Pairing(s): **Uh, we'll see what happens. Sometimes the characters have a mind of their own and they like to take liberties while I'm writing.

**Warning(s):** This is rated M for so many reasons: violence, language, adults consenting to doing adult things, descriptions of mental, physical, and emotional abuse; and mention of, dare I say, sexual abuse (hence the SVU cross-over).

**Disclaimer:** If I owned anything remotely in the Law and Order franchise, the last thing I would do is write fanfiction.

**Summery:** In the confines of darkness, a beast lays stirring.

**Ch.1**

_SVU Observation Room_

_Friday, December 22, 2002_

_Approx. 8:47 PM_

It wasn't meant to be their case; as it were, he and Alex were just too good at what they did. At least, that was what Bobby told himself for why they were there now, at the Special Victims Unit headquarters.

For nearly the whole month of December, Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson had been tracking a serial rapist: Jared Darsal. He was a ruthless, sadist psychopath who preyed on woman and for over five hours dominated their world; he humiliated them, raped them, and then killed them.

Except his last victim, Emily Johnson, who didn't die; even though Emily survived, she was probably going to spend the rest of her life at a psychiatric hospital. And now, even though the detectives had Jared in custody, there wasn't much evidence. Most of it was circumstantial at best. So, what the SVU Detectives needed was a confession.

After nearly two days of interrogations, and being held in lock-up, if Jared didn't confess now then he would walk. So, as it were, that was literally why he and Alex were there. Captain Cragen of the SVU unit was growing desperate and he needed the best. It was hard for Cragen to admit that his own team of detectives couldn't break Jared, but he was willing to swallow his pride if it meant bring in the two Major Case Squad detectives who were legendarily known for, if anything, getting creeps like Jared Darsal to confess.

Bobby shifted from one foot to the other as he continued to watch as Elliot went at Jared in the interrogation room. The anxiousness and adrenaline in him was pumping full blast as his body tried to keep up with his mind. It was working over time as he watched the interrogation while at the same time trying to understand Jared, find his weakness, and make the connection that he needed that would break him.

Elliot was getting nowhere quick. Jared was unrelenting; he wasn't like a lot of criminals, he had no need or desire to confess. Once he was getting close to something that caused even the slightest emotion from Jared, the rapist would quickly turn the tables and take a stab at the detective.

"Oh what's the matter, Detective? Can't please that little wife of yours?" Jared's voice was heard through the intercom.

Bobby watched as Elliot froze then pounded the table. Just as Elliot released his fury onto the table, something clicked inside Bobby's head. "I got you," he muttered under his breath. He looked over at his partner, Alex Eames, before glancing at Cragen. "May we question him next?"

Cragen and Olivia eyed each other before Cragen responded. "Do you want to go in there now?"

Bobby shook his head. "No, let Detective Stabler finish."

When Elliot gave up his last card he was holding and still Jared didn't speak, he angrily got up and left the interrogation room. He appeared at doorway and shook his head. "He's not talking."

Bobby looked at Cragen and asked his question by way of raising his brow.

"Detective Goren wants a go at him," Cragen announced to Elliot.

Elliot stiffened and looked at him with suspension and anger before addressing Cragen. "Captain, he's not talking. Nothing can shake him."

"As Captain, I have to let him try." Cragen looked back at him and nodded his head.

"Fine," Elliot announced bitterly. "If you want a go at him, Goren, by all means."

Bobby gave a quick glance at Elliot. He really didn't want to show the SVU detective up, but he knew how he could break Jared. Finally, giving a nod, he smiled down at Alex. "Wanna go bowling?"

Alex eyed him for a moment before she walked toward the door. "I'll stack him up, you knock him down."

Bobby chuckled as he watched Jared through the two-way mirror. He heard the door open and Alex sat down in the chair across from Jared. He heard her voice coming through the intercom.

"Mr. Darsal, I'm Detective Eames--"

"Please, call me Jared." Jared smiled wide; his eyes sparkled as he leaned forward in his chair.

"Jared. My partner will be here in a moment; I'll wait on him before we start the questions. Okay?"

"You mean that big, bad Detective Stabler isn't your partner," Jared asked, sounding curious.

Alex leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. "No, he isn't."

Jared watched her closely as she leaned back. A grin was playing at the edge of his lips as they silently watched each other. Neither one of them were anxious to hurry the time along.

Bobby smiled at Alex's relaxed, yet determined demeanor and her willingness to let the time drag on. It was showing Jared that she wasn't scared of being alone with him. "That's it," he spoke softly to himself as his eyes trained solely on Jared Darsal.

"You mind if I inquire your first name?"

Alex quickly responded with a curt, "I do mind."

Jared's grin spread wider. "My, my, aren't you a little spitfire. I guess you have to be; I mean, going through the academy and having every guy…looking at you."

Alex just shrugged in response, completely indifferent.

Jared looked her over for a moment before asking, "You're very petite and not in the very least butch. So," he tilted his head; with a steady, chilling gaze he asked, "How many times did you fuck your instructor in order to pass?"

Everyone in the observation room turned to Bobby with astonishment and hatred. Bobby glanced at them but didn't make a move to go into the room yet.

Elliot was the first to speak. "You're not going to go in there," he nearly barked.

Bobby held up his index finger in response. "Just wait."

Elliot was fuming as he turned and punched the wall.

Olivia eyed him from across the observation room. "You're seriously going to let your partner sit in there alone with that…creep?!"

By the time Olivia started to speak, Bobby had already turned a deaf ear to the other detectives. He was watching the scene in the interrogation room unfold with a sly smile of his own spreading across his face when he heard Alex voice through the intercom.

"I'd advise you now to keep those hideous remarks to yourself, Mr. Darsal, before I make sure that you'll regret ever saying them at all."

Jared laughed and leaned back in his chair. "Feisty little bitch aren't you?"

Alex pushed out of the chair and leaned forward on the table. "I'm through with you." She turned and left the room but not in a hurry, like she was begging for Jared to try something while her back was turned.

A stark of anger flashed through Jared's eyes, like he wanted desperately to jump up and attack her, but he gritted his teeth and flexed his hands on the table before dropping them to his lap.

Bobby spotted Alex rounding the corner and quickly walked by her.

"Take him down."

"With pleasure," Bobby said in more of a promise than a simple reply. He stopped at the door and waited a moment. He not only wanted to cool his anger, but also to let Jared indulge in the obvious fantasy that Bobby knew was taking over the rapist's mind at the interaction he just had with Alex.

He wanted Jared to be complete irritated and unnerved at his interruption. Bobby wanted Jared so pissed off at him that he couldn't think straight. Taking one last breath, he turned the knob and entered.

Jared snapped his head up at him and when their eyes meant, he nearly growled.

Bobby slammed the door closed; not bothering to take his eyes off the man, he crossed not to the chair across the table, but directly behind Jared. At 6 foot 4, he towered over the short, thin man in the chair. "I'm not interrupting you, am I, Jared?"

Jared glared at him and shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he put his hands back on the table.

Bobby took a glanced over Jared's shoulder and he wasn't surprised to see the bulge in the man's jeans. He felt the thrill rush through him that he'd been right, but at the same time his stomach twisted because he was right; the creep was getting off on thoughts of his partner. He walked around to stand in front of Jared as a soft laughter interrupted the silence in the room. It drew Jared's raging eyes to him. "She can be quite something, can't she," he asked through soft chuckles.

Jared was confused for a moment before nodding.

Bobby tossed his leather binder down on the table in front of the chair Alex had once sat in. He leaned against the two-way mirror and shook his head at the ceiling. "I swear, sometimes I don't know how I put up with her. One minute, it's like we can be friends. Then the next, she's just like them all…trying to get my balls in a vice-grip."

Jared's anger was slowly dissolving as he huffed out a breath of air; a new, teasing glint formed in his eyes. "But they're the most fun."

Bobby let the chuckles ease down. "Yes, they are," he mumbled under his breath. "They keep you guessing, and the pursuit. Ooo," he said with a shudder, nearly vibrating the glass he was leaning against. "They're much more of a challenge than those other girls."

"Those sluts, you mean," Jared bit out bitterly.

Bobby inwardly cringed but didn't respond to that. "Let's not talk about them." He clenched his jaw and shook his head against the glass.

Jared was watching him closely as he grinned. "You're right; they're not worth a second thought."

"But, ones like…well, Leslie Cole, who you met at…uh, Donny's Bar and Grill, they like to _pretend_ they're not interested; they play games and lead you around, and then just when you…" he trailed off as he closed his eyes. "Anyway, that's when they turn a cold shoulder and walk away."

"Fucking teases."

Bobby slid his eyes barely open and pointed at him. "Is that the way you feel about them?"

"Hell yeah," Jared said openly to him, almost desperately.

Bobby could tell as Jared's eyes began to drift again and the sudden shortness in his breathing that he was getting excited all over again. "They want someone to…take that away from them." He pushed himself off the glass and started to slowly walk back around the table. "That independence. That…" his hands were gesturing all around in front of him. "Sense of power they have. They don't have any power, do they? Jared?"

Jared was smirking as his hands slowly slid off the table. "No. They're weak, they're nothing."

"They're just girls, right? Not wo_men_? I mean, who do they think they are? You know that a good friend of mine was denied a position because a girl had also applied?" It was clearly a lie, but Jared was buying into it. Bobby couldn't help the sly grin that spread across his face at the flicker of anger that flashed in Jared's eyes. If he built on that anger, Jared would break. "I was furious," he yelled as he approached the side of Jared. "Seeing him lose a job because of some--"

"Bitch," Jared snarled into the room. "Those bitches think they have a right to take our jobs! And then disobey us!"

"What'd you think, Jared? Hmm?" Bobby bent down, nearly in half, so he could see Jared's face as he spoke into his ear. "Are you going to let them get away with that?"

Jared was really lost now; his eyes were glazed over and the veins in his neck were pulsing and straining. "No," he choked out between clenched teeth.

"Those girls, they teased you, didn't they? They made you think you had a chance with them, let you buy them drinks, dance with them, they laughed at your jokes, and even…rubbed your thigh." Bobby could nearly feel the hot waves of rage fuming off the man. "Got you going, didn't it? Made you think you had the control, because you _are_ in control. They have to listen to you!"

"Yes!" Jared jerked his head to his right and looked at him head-on. "They do! But they didn't! They just wouldn't fucking listen!"

"So you went after them; followed them. You had to get your control back! Show them who the man was!" Bobby emphasized it by pointing at Jared.

Jared was nodding as he spoke. "I showed them all right."

Bobby stared hard at Jared. "What'd you do?" He got right up into his ear so that the other detectives in the other room couldn't hear him as he whispered, "Did you fuck them?"

Jared snarled at him with the most sadistic grin Bobby had ever seen before in his life. "I did more than that. I punished them. Dragged them around, treated them like animals; I showed them how they were to obey a man."

"Who? Who'd you show?" Bobby had already reached into his binder when Jared had turned his attention fully to him. He slapped out a picture onto the table. "Her?"

Jared eyed the picture of Leslie Cole and nodded as he smiled. "She actually had the nerve to throw her drink in my face. She couldn't throw anything after I left her."

"You mean you killed her."

Jared nodded. "Yes."

Bobby let his fake smile and eagerness drop as Jared continued to eye the picture. His hand held another photo, the picture of Amy Fines, and he slapped it over the picture of Leslie Cole. "And her?"

Jared nodded again. "Yes."

Bobby quickly slapped each photo of all nine women over and over in front of Jared; after each one Jared nodded and gave the same answer. After all the photos were on the table, he straightened and nodded to the glass.

Within seconds the door to the interrogation room opened and Alex walked in followed by two officers. She held out a pair of handcuffs. "Mr. Darsal, you're under arrest for--" Before she could finish, Jared jumped up and flung himself toward her.

Bobby was on him in an instant; he grabbed Jared by the shoulders and slammed him so hard into the table it nearly broke in two. Jared screamed in pain as his jaw busted on impact. Blood seeped out of his mouth onto the table. "If I were you, I wouldn't try that again."

Jared stared up at him with a new furious rage. "You bastard," he growled out at him.

Bobby didn't say anything as he held down Jared's arms so Alex could cuff him. He yanked Jared off the table once the cuffs were in place and nearly tossed him to the awaiting officers.

Jared wheeled on them as the officers tried to pull him out of the room. "I'll get you for this! You hear me! You better watch your back! You'll pay….You'll fucking pay!"

Bobby watched as they finally got the sick rapist out of the room. Jared continued to yell down the hall at him, but he ignored it as he looked at Alex and smiled. "Come on, I'll buy you a nice, big martini and you can take your anger of him out on me all you want."

Alex smiled up at him and followed him out of the room. "And here I thought the night couldn't get better."

Bobby chuckled and stopped immediately once he spotted the other detectives in the hallway. In particularly, Elliot Stabler who was eyeing him with not only disgust but anger. He briefly wondered if Elliot had taken what he said in there seriously until he crossed the two feet that separated them and hit him.

Pain exploded in head as it jerked back at the sudden blow to his temple. Bobby felt himself stumbled back into the wall, catching himself to regain his balance. He shook off the cloudiness in his head as he straightened and eyed Elliot who was being held back by not only Captain Cragen and Olivia Benson, but also by Alex who was pushing at Elliot's chest.

"The rumors were right; you're a fucking freak, Goren," Elliot spat out as he tried to jerk out of the two people holding him back and trying to get around the one woman in-between the two of them.

Alex pushed Elliot back as she suddenly demanded, "What's the matter with you?"

"Him," Elliot snapped.

Bobby eyed him before he stepped closer to the detective. "Come on, Stabler, you think I actually meant any of that? I was playing him!"

"Then how'd you know what he was thinking, huh? How come you know exactly what to say? From my own experience, if someone knows things like that it's because they've been thinking it themselves."

Bobby stilled for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't have to explain anything to you." He glanced down at Alex who was now watching him and gestured toward the hallway. "Ready?"

Alex nodded and turned back to Elliot with a glare that would have made any man quiver. "Yeah; I'm getting sick of all the macho narrow-mindedness myself." She pushed Elliot away one last time before leading the way out of the hallway. They both grabbed their coats and hurried out of SVU headquarters before anyone else decided to voice their opinion.

Once they were outside, Alex turned to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Bobby sighed as he opened the passenger door to the SUV. "Stabler's just pissed because I got the confession and he didn't."

"The whole 'department rivalry' thing, huh? You know, I've never understood that." Alex started the truck and headed out into traffic.

Bobby glanced at her and flipped the mirror open. Luckily, Elliot caught him on the left cheek, and not the eye. His jaw was going to be hurting for a while, but it was nothing that a glass of Glenlivet scotch couldn't fix. "Well, neither do I. I mean, Jared's going to get life, that's all that matters."

Alex smiled over at him. "Well I say good riddance."

Bobby chuckled and pushed the mirror back up. "So, are we officially off the clock?"

"Yep, we'll stop off at One P.P. and then _Martini_-ville here I come."

* * *

_Ray's Pub_

_Saturday, December 23, 2002_

_Approx. 12:17 PM_

Bobby waited for another round, a Glenlivet scotch for him and a Vodka Martini double for Alex, and tried to make small talk with a traffic cop out of Queens. Even with a pretty good, healthy buzz it was hard to keep the conversation alive; especially when the cop was slurring his words, repeating everything five times, and hitting on every woman that walked by.

Finally Ray, who was the bartender, owner, and former homicide detective, placed his orders in front of him with a wary smile. "Hey, go easy, Goren. That's round six."

"Why you telling me for? Eames the one that drives," Bobby explained as he tossed the money on the bar and picked up the drinks. "Plus, I'm already past my limit. Eames swears that after two drinks I turn into a, uh…a 1920's poet boy and dumb-ass."

Ray started laughing at that. "You do like to talk about some weird shit that's for sure. I don't know about the dumb-ass part though."

"Hey, you should start calling Officer 'Don Juan' here a cab though." Bobby glanced at the traffic cop and smirked. The cop was trying to hit on a woman that Bobby knew for sure was not only a lawyer but that she wasn't the least bit interested in men.

"I got him," Ray assured him before going back to chatting up a homicide detective Bobby recognized from the 2-7.

Bobby caught the detective's attention and extended a hand. "Hey, Detective Green."

"Well, if it isn't Detective Goren. How's it been?"

Bobby smiled. "Haven't been suspended yet."

Ed Green laughed and shook his head. "I've heard stories where you've been close to it."

"I, uh, just wanted to say Merry Christmas. And thanks, for the help with that case from last year."

"No problem. Merry Christmas to you too. And, hey, Briscoe might stop in for a drink before he heads home; he was still doing paperwork when I left. If he does, come over and say 'hi', he'd appreciate it."

"Will do." Bobby held up the drinks in his hand. "I have to get back to my partner before she decides to kick my ass." He heard Ed laugh at that as he stepped away from the bar and made his way back over to the table Alex was sitting at. It appeared that while he was gone, she started talking with another female detective who was now sitting in his chair. "Here you go," he said as he sat down the martini in front of Alex.

"I can get up," the other detective exclaimed as she was starting to get up.

"No, no, you're fine." Bobby shook his head as he glanced around. He grabbed an empty chair from another table and brought it over. "I'm Bobby Goren, her partner." He nodded his head towards Alex as he shook the woman's hand.

"Rebecca Davis, from Vice."

Bobby looked back-and-forth between her and Alex. "You two worked together?"

Alex smiled over at Rebecca. "She was my partner before I transferred to Major Case."

Bobby smiled warmly at Rebecca. "Well, any former partner of Eames is a friend of mine. Uh, how long have you been with Vice?"

Rebecca tilted her head and glared at him. "Seven years," she said that with a hint of a warning in her tone.

Bobby caught the glare she'd sent him. "I wasn't trying to assuming anything. Alex," he looked over at her and smiled. "Was there for five years; so you were rookies together…?"

That seemed to relax Rebecca as she let down her guard. "We were."

Bobby smiled wide at her. "I'm glad, you kept each other safe. And," he smiled warmly over at Alex, "made each other strong."

Alex gestured to him but said to Rebecca, "See what I mean."

"Yeah, a regular ol' monsieur," Rebecca replied.

Bobby beamed at her and leaned over close to her like what he had to say was a secret. "I'm un monsieur parfait."

Rebecca leaned in closer. "I'm sure vous êtes."

"Oh brother," Alex remarked as she rolled her eyes.

Bobby smirked over at Alex then returned his attention back to Rebecca. "I'll buy you a drink. What're you having?"

Rebecca looked at Alex with a pleased look before turning back to him. "Merlot."

"I'll get you the best they got," Bobby told her; he took a long pull off his scotch before he got up.

As he approached the bar again, Ray eyed him. "You're back for another one already? Didn't I tell you to cool your heels?"

Bobby pulled out his wallet and leaned against the bar. "See that woman over there talking to Eames."

Ray looked over his shoulder. "Ah, Detective Davis."

Bobby nodded. "What's her story?"

Ray glanced at him and started to laugh. "You really can pick 'em, can't you? She's single, good cop with Vice--"

"You had me at single." Bobby eyed the wine bottles over the bar. "She's drinking Merlot, give me a glass of your best bottle."

Ray whistled and grabbed a bottle off the shelf. "You sure are a 'wine 'er and dine 'er', aren't you?"

Bobby only smirked as he watched Ray pour a glass. "Here," he handed him a fifty. "Keep the change."

"And the most generous tipper I've ever had. I don't _ever_ want to lose your business, Goren."

Bobby raised the glass in mock toasting before making his way back to the table. Both Alex and Rebecca were giggling like nine year olds when he sat down and placed the glass in front of Rebecca. "You're not talking about me are you?"

Rebecca rested her head in her right hand as she eyed him. "Alex was just telling me some pretty interesting things about you, Bobby."

"Uh-oh." Bobby eyed Alex as he took another pull off his scotch. "This can't be good."

"No worse than some of the rumors flying around about you."

Bobby stilled then lowered his drink back down to the table; he blinked back in surprise. "Uh, rumors?"

"Don't tell me you don't pay attention to locker room gossip," Rebecca said incredulously.

Bobby shook his head and glanced over at Alex. "I don't, actually."

"He believes that ignorance is bliss when it comes to the NYPD rumor mill," Alex explained before she took a drink. "Don't worry, Bobby, I cleared some things up for her."

Bobby didn't doubt that, but that didn't change the fact that fellow officers were talking about him behind his back and saying God knows what. Suddenly, that explosion from Elliot Stabler from earlier that night flooded his mind. He downed the rest of his drink as he felt an impending headache coming on.

"Bobby, you okay?"

Bobby nodded as he continued to stare at the table. "Yeah, I'm fine." He quickly got up and strolled back over to the bar. Ray was getting sick of seeing him, but he didn't care. The easy-going warm buzz he was feeling wasn't cutting it anymore; he needed to be one step closer to drunken obliteration. "Ray, uh, two more Glenlivet's and the hardest shot of whatever you've got."

Ray eyed him for a long moment. "You sure?"

Bobby held up another fifty in his hand. "I don't want to remember this when I wake up this afternoon."

"Come on, whatever it is it can't be that bad? What're your plans for this holiday weekend?"

Bobby shook his head. "Nothing, really. Visiting my mother," he mumbled softly to himself.

"You're going to visit your mother with a hang-over?"

"She's not going to notice…or remember." Bobby tossed the money down and waited for the drinks. The shot was placed in front of him first. He downed it in a second then picked up the two glasses of scotch. "Thanks."

"Hey, seriously, what's the matter? Did Davis turn you down?"

Bobby shook his head as he rubbed a hand over his face. "Didn't get a chance to ask her. It's…" he eyed Ray suspiciously before he leaned over the bar. Talking in a soft whisper he asked, "Are there rumors going around about me?"

Ray didn't say anything for a moment; he was debating over something and Bobby immediately got the hint.

Bobby sighed as he took a long pull off one of the glasses. "How bad?"

"It's nothing. Just talk, you know. Nobody takes it seriously, not unless you do something really bad or against another officer, _then _they'll take it seriously."

Bobby eyed him for nearly a minute before saying, "Stabler from the SVU called me a freak." He tilted his head and glanced around the bar. "Is that what everyone thinks?"

Ray leaned further across the bar and looked at him intensely. "No. Cops who know you, work with you…They know better. And hey, Briscoe and Green from the 2-7 do nothing but praise you and Eames. And you know other officers respect what they say."

Bobby studied his eyes for any hint of dishonesty; he finally let the tension that built up in him ease when he saw that Ray was telling him the truth. "Thanks. I'll finish these off and go home."

"All right. Take it easy, Goren."

Bobby finished off one glass before he left the bar. The other one was clutched in his hand as he slowly strolled back over to the table. Alex and Rebecca were both watching him as he sat down. He gave them reassuring smiles before slouching down in the chair; leaning all the way back, he stared at the ceiling. The room was spinning and his head was feeling light and numb.

"You still with us, Gumby?"

Bobby smirked at Alex's reference to him and glanced over at her sideways. "We're getting praises from Lennie Briscoe and Ed Green from the 2-7."

"Huh, and here I thought we weren't good cops."

Bobby chuckled at that sarcastic comment and tried to sit back up in the chair. The room tilted and he had to catch himself on the table so not to fall over. "Oh, bad idea."

"You don't look so good; ready to go home?"

Bobby stared at the glass in his hand before downing it in one go. He nodded and pulled out his cell phone. "I'll call a cab. You don't have to drive me."

"I'll drive you."

Bobby glanced over at Rebecca through half closed eyes and shook his head. "You and Eames, you're having a good time. Really, I'll call a cab."

"I can always come back," Rebecca said as she stood up and grabbed his coat off the back of the chair and handed it to him. "And besides, I'm not through talking to you. Where'd you live?"

Bobby stared up at her then glanced over at Alex who was trying to hide a knowing smile. "Brooklyn."

"That narrows it down; which neighborhood?"

Bobby smiled up at her as she pulled on her coat. "Prospect Heights." He turned back to Alex. "Eames," he said as he leaned over closer to her. "We did good today, and thanks for letting me buy."

Alex had to bite back a laugh as she watched him try to stand up without stumbling around. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Anytime partner."

Bobby's smile grew wider as he nodded in agreement. "Be careful while we're gone; there's a bar full of drunk cops and you know what that means."

Alex lost her battle and started laughing as Bobby slipped on his coat. "Sure do. They all have loaded guns."

Bobby couldn't help it, he busted out laughing. Once he got his voice back, he leaned down and told her, "Merry Christmas, Alex."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Bobby. Are you staying with your mom this weekend?"

Bobby nodded. "I'm driving up there tonight and spending Christmas Eve with her. Then I'm coming back down on Monday. Hey, we've got three days off," he announced as he held up three fingers. "I'll see you Tuesday…Well, if we don't get a call-out before then." He straightened back up and turned to follow Rebecca out. "And drive safe, call a cab," he yelled back over his shoulder. He offered his arm to Rebecca as they made their way out of the building.

Rebecca gladly took it and smiled up at him. "You really are a perfect gentleman, even when you're drunker than a skunk."

Bobby opened the door and held it so they could walk out into the freezing night air. "I have my moments." The snow was coming down hard as they made their way to her car.

* * *

_Unknown Location_

_Hours later_

His head felt like it was being stabbed a million times over with ice picks. Bobby groaned into his arm as the pain continued to intensify. If he'd known his hang-over would be that bad, he would have let Eames buy, that way he could've called her up and yelled at her for it. Actually, he thought as he moaned into his arm, he might just do that anyway. She'd only laugh at him then hopefully invite him over from some afternoon breakfast.

That line of thinking quickly brought him around to Rebecca Davis. How he wished he hadn't been seeing double by the time they left Ray's. He barely remembered the drive to his apartment, but he did remember getting her phone number. And he absolutely remembered the taste of her as they kissed with snow falling on them. It could have been romantic if he hadn't been stupid enough to think he could lean back on the lobby door while he was trying to open it. He managed somehow to stumble halfway through the lobby before falling on his ass.

God, he was a world-class idiot. Rebecca only laughed for at him for about a minute or two before she helped him up. And then she kissed him again as he rested against the wall and waited for the elevator.

He would have invited her up if it hadn't been for the fact that he knew he wouldn't remember, and that he wouldn't have lasted more than two seconds before he passed out. That would've been bad. No, that would've been devastating. Shattering his male ego and all that bullshit.

Wait…He did invite her up, but it wasn't for sex. It had something to with a book. He was going to let her borrow a book of his, written entirely in French. Then…He moaned and rubbed his head on his forearm, he didn't remember what happened after that. It was all a blur. He knew he didn't sleep with her though. That was a certainty.

Finally deciding it was time to get up, he stretched out only to bang his heel against something hard; sending a pained vibration through his leg.

"…of a bitch," he grunted out into his arm.

He then froze as his drunken mind came to the realization that he wasn't on his bed. The floor beneath him was cold and hard, sending shivers down his spine. He would have opened his eyes but he knew that'd just cause his head more problems. The last thing he needed was sunlight blinding him.

Sighing in frustration and disbelief, he felt around the floor with his free right hand. He better not be on his kitchen floor. The last time that happened he had Lewis to blame. He had no one to blame now except himself. Now, it was a definite certainty, he didn't sleep with anybody last night except with his make-shift kitchen island.

A ripple of stabbing hot pain filled his head again and he groaned into the floor. He had to get up, down some water and aspirin, relieve his bladder which was starting to get painful, and then pass-out on his bed were he wouldn't be freezing to death

Getting up onto his hands and knees, and still with his eyes closed, he shifted his leg up and went to stand when his head banged into something hard and metallic. He collapsed back down to the floor; the ache in his head intensified at the blow it took. His eyes fluttered open and he stared into darkness. He couldn't see a thing.

Panic flared through him and he immediately tried to get up again, only to be restricted as metal bars pressed into his back. That was when the cold reality set in as his body started to shake. Reaching around him in every direction he could feel thick metal bars encaging him in like an animal. There was a solid brick wall through the bars behind him and to his right. The cage must be back in a corner of the room. And there was no room to stand, or to stretch out the entire length of his body which was only being covered by his boxer shorts.

"God," he rasped out of his dry mouth as his hand ran over what felt like a lock.

"I see you're awake."

Bobby stilled against the bars and stared out into the darkness of the room. He wondered briefly how the person who had him could see in the pitch darkness, then he came to the only conclusion that they had to be wearing night-vision goggles. Before he could say anything, loud music shattered his hearing sending a wave of needle pains through his head.

It took him a moment for his hearing to stop ringing and for the music to register in his mind.

**_Well I don't know why I came here tonight, _****_I got the feeling something ain't right, _****_I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair, _****_And I wondering how I get down the stairs, _****_Clowns to left of me, Jokers to the right, _****_Here I am, stuck in the middle with you._**

Out of pure panic and desperation he slammed his body into the side that he was certain was the door. He heard the lock bang against the bars, but the door wasn't budging.

_**…And I'm wondering what it is I should do, It's so hard to keep this smile from my face, Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place, Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.**_

He continued to throw his entire body and weight against the bars until his left shoulder numbed with the tingling of burning pain that coursed through his arm.

**_Well you started out with nothing, And you're proud that you're a self-made man, And your friends they all come crawlin, Slap you on the back and say, Please...Please…._**

With all his energy spent, he slumped against the bars and breathed heavily into the musky air. A bang came from the front of the cage, rocking him back onto his butt. Then another kick came to the cage at his side.

"Who are you," Bobby tried to yell over the music but he couldn't be heard. Another kicked landed against the side of the cage. Fear spiked in his chest and he was getting frustrated that he could see anything.

_**  
Trying to make some sense of it all, But I can see that it makes no sense at all, Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?, 'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore, Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.  
**_

He resigned himself to settling back against the side of the cage that was against the wall. As kicks kept coming to the cage with every beat of the music.

_****_

Well you started out with nothing, And you're proud that you're a self-made man, And your friends they all come crawlin, Slap you on the back and say, Please...

Resting his head against the bars, he closed his eyes trying to block out the obvious mocking torments of his captor.

_**Please...**_

TBC…

* * *

**A/N: **While I was writing this last part, I was listening to my i-Tunes and 'Stuck in the Middle with You' by Stealers Wheel came on and it clicked in my head that it'd be the perfect mocking torment song for this last part. So, I had to add it in. Ahhh, to torment Bobby with a song.


	2. Springing its ugly head

**A/N:** Thanks to the reviews I've gotten so far! I really appreciate the feed-back!

* * *

**Ch.2**

_Unknown Location_

Hours later, after the continuous repeated song finally stopped, Bobby gave into his exhaustion after he swore if he ever heard that damn song again he'd get physically sick.

Then he was awaken abruptly when something was slid around his neck and locked. His throat felt restricted and tight, like there was a choke-hold around his neck. "What's your name," he asked the man.

The man shuffled around the room for a moment.

"Come on, tell me your name," Bobby yelled just seconds before he heard the door to the room open then close.

Reaching a hand up, his fingers traced over what seemed like a collar. A small key lock kept him from being able to take it off. Blinking in the dark room, he waited to see if his eyes would adjust, but they didn't. There was no light anywhere in the room.

It smelled like he was in a basement. He could smell the musky scent of mold and water, dust and stale air, bricks and concrete, and his own cold sweat. Then he smelt it; it was something that made him want to gag; God, hoped he wasn't right. It was a copper smell, but he knew that scent all too well: it was blood.

At first he thought it was his own, but a thorough search of his body and head proved that it wasn't. A cold chill went through his body at the thought of the possibilities. His first thought, and what scared him the most, was that it could be Rebecca's blood. She was the last person with him. Maybe they took her too and killed her. Or maybe she was just injured. He had no way of telling.

"Hello," he called out into the empty room, only to hear a vibration of his own voice in response. "Anybody there?" There was still no response. If there was someone else there, they weren't talking.

His back was growing stiff and aching. Shifting around, he got onto his knees and felt around the bars until his hand clenched over the lock. He tried to yank it down as hard as he could. The lock was strong and it wasn't going to snap.

His left shoulder was still sore but he took several more attempts at trying to break the cage door open. It still wouldn't budge; it was like throwing his body into a brick wall. Breathing out in defeat, he slumped back against the bars and waited. Waited for what he didn't know.

It was impossible to know how long he sat there with his legs stretched out as far as they'd go and shivering at the cold. The pain in his head had eased slightly, but his left shoulder was throbbing from throwing himself against the cage door. And the pain in his bladder was causing his stomach to spasm in cramps.

His hand once again traveled up to his neck and fingered the collar. He had an idea of what it was and what it was for. Feeling the turning in his gut and the clenching of his throat, he tried to will down the urge to give into the fear he was feeling. The tears were starting to well in his eyes and it took all his effort to keep them at bay. He had to think; he couldn't give in.

Shifting his tingling legs under him, his knee knocked something that sounded like a metal bucket over. His hand reached down and picked it up. It was a small empty metal bucket and it'd been sitting in the back corner of the cage. His stomach lurched at what it was meant for and he turned away in time to get sick between the cage and the wall.

The last thing he wanted to do was piss all over himself, and the second thing he didn't want to do was have to piss out the cage like a dog. Sighing in defeat, he knew he had to do something or else he'd be in trouble.

He figured peeing in a bucket wasn't that big of a deal, especially when it felt so un-humiliating good as he did so. When you have to go, you have to go. Breathing out in deep satisfaction, he settled back against the opposite side of the cage and he closed his eyes. If he was going to get out of this hell, he had to save his energy and be prepared.

His breathing was getting faster as the cold sweat coated his back. It didn't seem possible but the dark room felt like it was caving in on him. He was suffocating. Staring out into dark nothingness, he tried to will the impending panic attack away. He'd lost it earlier, when he'd first realized where he was, but he didn't want to lose it again.

It wasn't like he couldn't control his anxiety; he had to use elevators all the time and he had to get into some small dark rooms and tight areas with his job; his inability to keep still was one of the main causes for that.

Mentally he went over all the symptoms of claustrophobia: sweating, accelerated heartbeat, nausea, fainting, light-headedness, shaking, hyperventilation, and a fear of actual impending physical harm. Well, the physical harm part wasn't imagined and he wasn't feeling nauseous and he hadn't fainted yet. His hands were starting to tremble as his body shook.

Trying to relieve the horrible pain in his head and the growing fear in his chest, he closed his eyes and focused on something that'd ground him. He had to visualize someone or a voice; he couldn't let the fear get the best of him. His thoughts were scattered, it took him time to push down the thoughts he had of death and abuse before he was able to relax against the bars.

He had to keep himself; and the only way to do that was through her. He couldn't do it on his own, he'd break himself. His mind wouldn't give him any slack. If there was ever a time where he wished he didn't have the mind he had, it was now.

The visions he found the most comfort in, the most grounded in were the ones of Alex. She always seemed to ground him, no matter what. With just a look or a word, she could knock him back in place. He needed that now. He needed to hear her so that he didn't lose himself in the dark room. And that brought him back to a memory when they had first teamed up as partners.

"_What's this?"_

_He glanced up from the file he'd been going over and smiled up at her. "It's coffee."_

_Alex shot him a warning glance before picking the cup up and smelling it. _

"_Now, you look like me." He only grinned when she stuck her tongue out at him before taking a sip of the drink. "See, it's not poisonous."_

"_It could've been; how'd you know I liked Irish Crème?"_

_He leaned back in his chair and tossed the file down. "What? You think I got this badge just by chance?"_

_Alex sat down across from him at her desk and eyed him suspiciously. "So, what'd you what, Goren?"_

_He mentally flinched from the tone of her voice. They'd been working together for just shy of a month, and she still didn't trust him yet. He shrugged. "I don't want anything. I notice that when you get here in the morning, you're in desperate need of caffeine. I get here before you…So, I figured I'll have a cup waiting for you."_

_Alex studied him for a long moment before saying, "If you keep this up, I just might like you."_

"_If I keep that up, you're going to clean out my wallet." He winked at her and picked up the file he'd been reading. He started in on the case report and reached for a book he'd brought from home; it was 'Culture and Psychotherapy: A Guide to Clinical Practice'. _

"_Is that why you knew about Mr. Hale?" Alex pointed to the book in his hands._

_He glanced up at her as he flipped through the book. "What'd you mean?"_

_Alex sighed heavily and leaned back in her chair, still sipping at the coffee. "The way you talked to him; I've never seen another cop talk to a Schizophrenic like that before. It was like you understood him."_

_He stopped flipping through the pages and stared over at her. The air around them was getting thick and he needed to hurry and answer her before she realized that she'd managed to make him afraid. "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"_

_Alex sighed and rolled her eyes. "How come you don't ever give a straight answer?"_

_He smirked. "Why do you answer a question with a question?"_

_Alex threw a paperclip at him and he started laughing. "Asshole."_

_He smiled to himself and went back to searching for what he was looking for. She never asked him again, but that didn't mean that he never told her. A week later, he let it known while he was questioning Mr. Hale in the interrogation room that his mother was Schizophrenic._

_Even though he knew she wanted to, Alex never brought it up again._

Opening his eyes, the suffocation he'd been feeling eased. He released a heavy breath and rested his head back. He'd offset the claustrophobia for now, but he knew too well that it'd spring its ugly head again.

* * *

_John Eames's House_

_Sunday, December 24, 2002_

_Approx. 6:28 PM_

Alex stared at her cell phone and sighed. Usually Bobby would have called by now, telling her Merry Christmas and inform her about what's been going on with his mother, but not tonight. She tried calling him but got the voicemail instead of him.

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing that his phone was off. Sometimes Bobby was required to turn it off once he entered the hospital; it just depended on what mental state Goren's mom was in at the moment.

She glanced passed the dining room and toward the kitchen. The house was alive and busy with her brother, sister, and in-laws going in and out from the dining room and kitchen. Her nieces were running around upstairs playing games and trying to get a sneak peek at presents. And what was she doing? She was worrying about her partner because he hadn't called her.

"Okay, everyone!"

Alex recognized her dad's voice as he appeared coming through the swinging kitchen door and out into the dining room. His hands were full with the glazed ham that was a tradition on Christmas Eve.

"Dinner's ready!"

Releasing a deep sigh, she took one last long look at her cell phone before setting it on the coffee table before joining the rest of her family at the table.

Her dad, John, smiled over at her as she sat down at the table. "Everything okay, Alex?"

Alex gave him a reassuring smile and nodded curtly. "Yeah; it's just…Bobby hasn't called me yet."

"Bobby? Oh, you mean Goren, your partner?"

Alex nodded as she accepted the glass of wine from her sister. "Thanks, Angie."

Angie smiled at her as she poured her own glass. "You should have invited him over. Didn't you say he doesn't have much family?"

"Just his mother, but Bobby's, well, he's difficult. Not exactly the sociable type. Even if I asked he would have refused."

"I heard he was an anti-social nutcase," Junior, Alex's younger brother, announced from across the table.

Alex glared at him and shook her head in disgust and anger.

"Junior." John's stern voice cut through the room. "You're referring to your sister's partner and a first grade detective."

Junior raised his hands in mock surrender and gave Alex his best puppy-dog look. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I was just saying what I heard, that's all. Besides, it's not like they're wrong. I mean, didn't you request a different partner because of that reason."

Alex responded by giving him a swift kick under the table.

Junior yelped in pain as he pushed himself away from the table. "Damn it, Alex! That's my injured knee!"

"Sorry, I was aiming for your balls but I guess your wife still has custody of them!"

Junior's face turned beet red as he glared at her. "That's it, outside. Now!"

Alex tossed her napkin down on the table and stood up.

"Hey!"

Both Alex and her brother turned and stared at their father in stunned silence. Their father was fuming red, arms crossed, and boring his eyes at them both.

"Don't make me order you two to cool it," John grunted out between a tightly clenched jaw.

Alex glanced from her father to her brother, who was equally as apologetic as she was. She sighed in defeat and sat back down. "Sorry."

Stephanie, Junior's wife, frowned up at her husband. "What are you still doing up, sit down and apologize."

Junior's jaw clenched as he sat down. "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath.

Angie was glancing back-and-forth between the three of them and finally asked Alex, "How much wine have you had?"

Alex reached for her glass as she responded, "Not nearly enough."

* * *

_Unknown Location_

Bobby was feeling himself dozing off. He was just about to give into the false safety of sleep when he heard footsteps. They seemed like they were far away in the distance, but he heard them none the less. It was so quiet in that room that he could've heard a pin-drop. Locks were being undone before the door across the room opened. He couldn't see it, but he heard it.

"It smells like shit in here." A deep, raspy voice asked him. "What'd you do, get sick all over yourself?"

There was movement across the floor, footsteps that thumped on the concrete floor. It was definitely a man, and he was big. Bobby's constantly turning mind had figured something out. It was time to try and use it to his advantage. "You're waiting."

He heard the footsteps falter. Silence engulfed the room and Bobby had to focus really hard on keeping his voice steady; he didn't want to show the man weakness, that he was afraid. "Who're you waiting for?"

Keys clicked together as he heard the lock on the door being raised. "When I open this," the man said. "You better not move."

Bobby stiffened at the obvious threat. He slowly gave a nod to let the man know that he wouldn't move. "What's your name?"

"That's none of your business."

Bobby's frustration was getting the best of him. He hated being stone-walled. "You don't want to hurt me, or else you've done something by now. So, who are we waiting for?"

The man was silent for a long moment. "You'll know soon enough."

"I want to know now."

"You talk a lot."

Bobby heard the snapped of the lock and then the cage door being opened.

"If you keep it up, I'll make sure you won't be able to talk ever again."

Despite the warning, instinct kicked in as soon as he heard the door open. Bobby charged forward, slamming into the rock-hard body in front of him.

His body landed on the man, causing him to grunt in pain. Without being able to see, he took a swing in the direction of the man's face only for his knuckles to crack into the goggles.

Then it happened. An electric current jerked his head back and he fell heavily to the floor. His fingers scratched at his neck, around the collar, as he tried to pull it away. It felt like metallic electrical spikes were digging into his neck and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. It was like being tasered except it was constant and drilling waves of shocks through his throat.

He was barely able to get a strangled cry out before it ended. His breaths came in gasps as he lay on the floor, breathing in dust and dirt. A raw ache filled his throat and mouth and he knew he wouldn't be able to talk again. He hadn't realized that he'd bit his tongue until he started swallowing blood down his throat.

Suddenly, a pain exploded in his side as a boot came down on his ribs. He choked out a sob as he struggled to get away from the furious man. The boot caught him in the gut, leaving him breathless and doubled over.

A hand gripped him around the back of his neck, taking hold of the collar, and pulled him back until the landed on his back. Fist after fist collided into his face, his chest, and his stomach until the final blow to his head caused him to lose conscious.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Tuesday, December 26, 2002_

_Approx. 8:02 AM_

Alex couldn't believe it. For the first time since they've been partners, she actually beat Goren to work. She was slightly irritated that there was no coffee sitting on her desk as she made her way to the break room for some much need caffeine.

"Damn you, Goren; making me drink this horrible coffee," Alex mumbled to herself as she filled a paper cup with the bitter lukewarm liquid. "There's not enough sugar or cream to make this decent."

"Hey, Eames?"

Alex turned and smiled at Detective Andrews. "Hey, Andrews."

Andrews strolled up next to her and reached for the pot to refill his own cup. "So, I heard Goren got pretty wasted at Ray's Friday night."

Alex groaned and made her way to the door. "It wasn't that bad, he walked out of there without someone carrying him out," she shot over her shoulder.

"Hey, that wasn't my fault."

"Uh-huh, and you still owe Goren that cab fare." Alex exited the break room and walked over to her desk. She looked at the clock, it was 8:08 and still Goren wasn't there. "Must have been crowded on the subway."

She took a sip of the coffee and made a grim face. Three sugars and two creams and the coffee still tasted awful. Putting the cup aside, Alex pulled out some files from her desk and started in on the last of her paperwork. Maybe she could get it all done before Goren decided to show up.

By the time she looked up at the clock again, it was nearly nine. A whole hour and still there was no sign of her partner. Alex looked over at Deakins office and pushed herself out of the chair. She hurried to the office and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Alex smiled her greeting at the Captain as she closed the door. Deakins was on the phone and looked not the least bit happy about it. She sat down across from him and waited until he ended the call. As soon as he dropped the phone, she asked, "Has Goren called?"

Deakins stilled and eyed her. "He's not here?" He glanced at the clock. "It's after nine."

Alex was pulling out her cell phone as he said that. "I know." She strolled through her contacts until she found the number she was looking for. It went straight to voice-mail. She snapped the phone shut and sighed. "It goes straight to voice-mail every time I try calling."

Deakins picked up the phone and strolled through his index. "There could have been a problem in the subway."

"He would've called."

Deakins shrugged as he found the number he was looking for and started dialing. "Not if he doesn't have a signal."

Alex knew that it was a possibility, but something was nagging at her. It didn't feel right." She stood and headed for the door. "I'm going over to his apartment."

"I'm calling transit, if anything happened in the subway they'll know about it."

Alex barely heard him as she was already halfway to her desk. Her nerves were going to be shot before she even reached the lobby. Bobby had to be okay. Hopefully it was nothing serious. He could have just been too sick to call in, or stuck in a subway car somewhere between his apartment and O.P.P. with no phone signal.

She didn't know if it was a good or bad that that she was hoping for a sickness or him being trapped in the subway. As long as it wasn't death or a missing person then she could handle it. She could handle Bobby being unconscious on his bathroom floor from slipping in the shower if it meant that all he needed was a couple nights stay in a hospital room.

Somehow she had reached her car and was pulling out into traffic before she even realized it. Her mind was running a million miles a minute over every possible outcome, none of with were any good. For all she knew, he could have been involved in a car accident on his way home from visiting his mother.

Making sure to look at each subway entrance she came across on the way to Bobby's apartment, she noticed that everything seemed okay. People were coming and going as usual. There were no cops or emergency crews rushing anywhere in any tunnels.

Bobby's apartment wasn't that too far; he lived close enough to Manhattan that it was a short ten, fifteen minute drive at best. Now, hurrying to get there to make sure the big idiot hadn't accidentally killed himself, it seemed like it was taking hours.

She finally pulled up outside the apartment building, and not caring that she doubled-parked, hurried into the building and up the flight of stairs. It was only three flights up and she wasn't going to wait for the elevator.

Reaching the third floor, she slowed as she came to a stop in front of Bobby's door. She was breathing hard as she searched her keys for the right one as she pounded on the door. "Bobby," she called through the door. Silence met her as she continued to search her keys.

Finally finding the right key, she put it in the lock to realize that the door was already unlocked. Alex immediately knew something was horribly wrong. She pulled out her gun as she slowly opened the door. As she looked around, two things were certain: someone had been attacked there and she was going to need back-up.

The living room was in chaos. The coffee table was broken in two, books were scattered over the floor, and there was vomit and blood on the carpet by the broken table. The kitchen seemed untouched and it was clear. Turning toward the bedroom, she felt her gut clench. _Please, Bobby, don't be dead in your bedroom._

Easing the door open, her breath caught as she stared at the bed. It wasn't Bobby see was seeing, but Rebecca.

"No," she whispered as she stepped over to the bed, avoiding the blood stains on the floor, and reached for her hand.

There was no pulse. Alex pried her eyes away from her dead friend. She had to clear the apartment. Every room was clear; and that meant Bobby was gone.

Bobby was gone and Rebecca was dead.

Alex hurried out into the hallway and pulled out her cell.

"Deakins."

"Captain," Alex's voice broke and she didn't know if she could continue talking.

"….Eames? Alex!? Are you there?"

Alex was nodding into the phone. She didn't know how she found her voice again, but when she did all she could manage were the thought that kept repeating itself in her mind. "Bobby's gone…Rebecca's dead." She was having a hard time keeping her voice calm and steady. Her hands were starting to shake as her heart pounded in her chest.

"I'll get someone there as soon as possible. Secure the area and then get out into the hallway. I don't want anything contaminated."

Alex breathed out. "I've already cleared the apartment. There's blood..." She didn't know why she had to tell him that; it just came out. "There's so much blood…My God, Rebecca."

Deakins was quiet for a moment before responding. "Don't worry, Alex. I'll be there as soon as possible."

Alex hung up the cell and stared into the apartment.

TBC…


	3. Going to make you squeal

**A/N: **Just in case you might get confused, during the course of the story all words that are in _iltalics _are thoughts or dreams; well, except for the words that give place, date, and time of course. Okay, on with the story...

* * *

**Ch. 3**

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Tuesday, December 26, 2002_

_Approx. 10:22 AM_

No one was letting her know anything. The CSU team was combing the apartment thoroughly as a fellow detective from Major Case was taking statements from neighbors while the other one, Detective Matthews, was making his way over to her.

Alex pushed off the wall and clenched the coffee in her hand. "Have you found anything out yet?"

Matthews nodded. "A neighbor said that he heard Goren out in the hallway around two a.m. Saturday. He got up and looked out the peep-hole and watched as Goren and a woman were talking about something as he led them to his apartment. He said that Goren looked and sounded drunk."

Alex nodded in confirmation. "We went to Ray's after work. Detective Davis gave him a ride home."

"The neighbor said that after he saw Goren in the hallway, he decided to turn in for the night. He turned the T.V. off and then went to bed. And he says that he hasn't seen Goren since."

Alex tried to breathe, but it was getting too hard to be calm, but she knew that she couldn't afford to break down. Bobby was in trouble, and he was going to need her thinking clearly. "You should call Carmel Ridge and see if he ever showed up. He was supposed to drive up there Saturday evening and spend Christmas with his mom."

"Alex."

She looked up as Deakins made his way through the crowd of people. "Captain." Alex regarded him for a moment as she read his expression. "What is it?"

Deakins was watching her closely as he took a steady breath. "I've already contacted Carmel Ridge…Bobby never showed up."

Alex felt fresh tears stream down her face. Bobby's been gone for almost four days, and nobody knew. Her body started to shake as the full impact of that hit her. She felt arms wrap around her and hold her as she slumped against the wall.

"Easy, Alex. We'll find him."

Alex was about to respond when she heard a familiar, yet unwanted voice. She shifted her head off Deakins shoulder and glared down the hallway.

Elliot Stabler emerged from Bobby's apartment with his partner Olivia Benson. He sighed and shook his head at Olivia. "What'd Goren do? Finally go off the deep end and copycatted Jared Darsal."

Alex was out of Deakins arms in seconds. She heard as warning from Deakins behind her but didn't give it any thought as she stopped in front of Stabler. He turned to her just as she reached up and slapped him. Stunned silence filled the hallway as Alex glared at the SVU detective. "My partner is missing, probably dead, and you're cracking jokes! How dare you?"

Elliot stared at her in shocked silence. "I…didn't--"

"That's right, you didn't," Alex bit back before turning away and headed out toward the stairwell.

* * *

_SVU Headquarters_

_Tuesday, December 26, 2002_

_Approx. 5:16 PM_

"Stop looking at me like that." Elliot dropped the box full of security tapes on the desk and eyed Olivia.

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared right back at him. "How could you be so insensitive, Elliot? There was a hallway full of Major Case detectives, their Captain, _and_ Goren's partner."

Elliot mocked her position and fired back. "Well, am I wrong? The victim has the exact M.O. as Jared Darsal who's still in jail waiting arraignment. And if I'm not mistaken, the last person seen with our victim, Detective Davis, Saturday night was the NYPD's registered nutcase who just happened to understand that murdering rapist just a few hours before!"

Silence descended in the SVU bullpen as all the detectives stared at Elliot then at Olivia, waiting for the storm to break.

Olivia clenched her jaw as she bore her eyes into him. "We don't even have all the facts yet and you're already accusing a fellow officer of doing that to another officer; the evidence we do have, Elliot, is saying that Goren was beaten and possibly unconscious at the time."

"We don't even know if that was Goren's blood on the floor; it could have been Davis's blood. There was plenty of it in the bedroom," Elliot snapped back.

The tension in the air was growing thicker as the two of them stared at each other.

"Uh, I hate to break-up that staring contest that you two seem to enjoy so much," John Munch's voice brought them both out of their stares. "But I just received a call from CSU; the blood in the living room is a match to Goren." He looked right at Elliot. "I think Benson won this round, Champ."

Elliot's jaw flexed as he picked the box up and carried into the video room and slammed the door. He searched through the box for one of the tapes marked 'Saturday December 23' and put it into the VCR.

The door to the room open and he looked over his shoulder to see Captain Cragen walk in and close it behind him. Cragen eyed him as he stepped beside him. "Are you going to have problems with this case, Elliot?"

Elliot went back to fast-forwarding the tape. "No, sir."

"Then do you mind explaining to me what that was all about?"

Elliot shook his head. "It won't happen again, Captain."

Cragen eyed him for a long moment before nodding. "See to it that it doesn't or I'll pull you off this case so fast--"

"I said it won't happen again."

Cragen went back to watching the screen. "Good, because I don't want Captain Deakins of Major Case calling me up again and yelling at me because one of my detectives has a grudge against one of his. I know that Goren can be…difficult, but from everything I know about him and heard from Deakins, he's the best damn detective they've got right next to Eames. So, put whatever personal vendetta you have against him and find out what happened."

The door opened again and they both looked to see Olivia come into the room. She didn't look at Elliot; instead, she kept her eyes on the television screen. "Anything yet?"

Elliot was just about to shake his head when he saw the elevator doors open on the third floor and Detective's Goren and Davis came into view. He pressed 'play' just as Goren stumbled out of the elevators nearly bringing Davis along with him.

"He must've had a lot. Eames said that he never got drunk unless a case really got to him." Olivia looked at Elliot. "Or another officer punched him in the face."

Elliot shot a warning glare to her before going back to watching the screen. Goren was telling Davis something that clearly excited him as his hands were moving all around between them. It took him several attempts at getting his door open as they continued to talk about something that even made Davis smile with enthusiasm. "Think he's trying to talk her into having sex with him."

Olivia shook her head. "No, if that was the case they'd be all over each other. See, she's not even following him into the apartment; she's relaxing against the doorframe and watching him…Waiting for him?"

"Not anymore."

They watched as Davis jerked her head around before disappearing inside the apartment. Nothing happened for several minutes until a figure appeared only briefly in the doorway and slammed the door shut.

Elliot quickly fast-forward the tape until the door opened again. He stared in shock as a man who was surprisingly bigger than Goren, dragged him out of his apartment. He dragged him not to the elevator but to the stairwell and they disappeared out of sight.

"Still think Goren did it?"

Elliot looked up at her with defeat, but a new spark of anger in his eyes. "Whoever has Goren, knew about Darsal as well. We all heard the threats he made against Goren when he was arrested."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "You're thinking Darsal got a friend to abduct Goren?"

"Or, he got his partner to do it."

Olivia eyed him before eyeing the screen in disbelief. "A partner?"

"It's the only way he could have copied Darsal's M.O. to the 'T'. He's done it before."

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Wednesday, December 27, 2002_

_Approx. 4:45 AM_

_She'd found herself in a dark room where she could hear him screaming. _

"_Eames!"_

_Racing through the darkness, she tried to find him, tried to stop the screaming, only to find nothing. No one was there. The room was empty of life; all that remained were the terrifying screams that echoed off the solid concrete walls. Echoes of the life that was once held there, captive and begging for someone to save him._

Alex awoke only to break down and cry into her pillow. Every night it was the same nightmare; she went in search for Bobby only to find him dead or not find him at all. The screaming, even though she'd woken up, she could still hear her name being called out from the darkness.

Rolling over, she glanced at the clock. It was going on five in the morning. She'd only gotten roughly three hours of sleep. She didn't have to be up until six, but she knew that after that dream she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. Turning the alarm off, she got out of bed and focused her body toward the bathroom and not the kitchen. The coffee wouldn't start brewing for another half an hour.

As she turned on the hot water, she couldn't help but wonder what Bobby was going through just then, or if he was even still alive. Tears burned at her eyes as she slowly undressed.

Somehow, she couldn't help but think it was her fault. If she was the one to have driven Bobby home, Rebecca wouldn't have been there. And maybe she would have been aware enough to realize something was wrong, or maybe she would have by-passed Bobby's apartment all together and let him spend Saturday with her before he had to leave to go up to Carmel Ridge.

She knew that thinking that way wasn't going to change reality, but she couldn't help it. The guilt and all the "what-if's" were driving her crazy. The fact of the matter was that Bobby was gone and one of her friends, her former partner, was dead.

And it wasn't certain yet but she knew that the son-of-a-bitch Jared Darsal was the one responsible. They should have taken his threats seriously and with precaution. But who would have known that he had someone laying dormant that every evening, waiting to take action if he was arrested.

How did he get the call out anyway? His lawyer? Did they let him use the phone while in the jail? Was it monitored?

She rubbed her faced furiously over her face in frustration as the warm water sprayed down on her. It didn't matter; none of it did. All those thoughts weren't going to bring Bobby back.

What was going to bring him back was getting answers to their questions. Of bringing in every man that ever made contact with Darsal and seeing which one fit their description. And, not bring down every ten seconds just because her nerves were shot. If she was going to help in finding him then she had to keep it together.

Bobby would want her to keep it together until they found him. She didn't make it ten years being a cop by crying and giving in when things got tough. Taking a deep, determined breath she turned the water off and started getting ready for work.

* * *

_Riker's Prison_

_Wednesday, December 27, 2002_

_Approx. 11:20 AM_

Jared was seated across the table with his hands cuffed to it and a smug grin on his face. Elliot eyed him through the glass and felt his stomach drop. Even though he hadn't spoken to Darsal yet, he knew that Jared was behind Goren's abduction and the rape and murder of Detective Rebecca Davis.

"Ready," Olivia asked as she stared into the room.

Elliot started toward the door. "As ready as I'll ever be."

They both entered and once Jared saw them, his grin grew wider. "Oh, what's the matter, Detectives? Are you missing someone?"

Elliot felt his hands ball into fists and it took everything he had not to slam them down on the table. "So, you're not denying that you know about Detective Goren's abduction?"

Jared watched them both before he gestured around. "I've got nothing to hide; that asshole made sure of that. I didn't say I know about it, but that doesn't mean I haven't _heard _about it. You see, Stabler, word spreads like wildfire about a missing detective, but even more so when it's Goren. About half the population here has it in for him."

"How'd you hear about it," Olivia asked from her stance in the corner.

Jared glared at her and smiled. "The guards like to talk, especially when it comes to…" he looked back at Elliot. "What'd you call him? A fucking freak?"

Elliot's anger flared in him, but not at what Jared said, but at himself. He was really regretting now how he acted toward Goren.

"Yes, the guards love to talk about the freak. And we convicts love to hear about it. Too bad you proved he didn't murder that bitch. I would've loved having him for a cell mate."

"Is that what you were hoping for," Elliot snapped out. "That we would've thought Goren did it? Too bad you stupid friend got caught on camera. How'd you get involved with an idiot like that anyway?"

Anger rose inside Jared, Elliot could tell from the rage in his eyes and the red creeping up his neck. "I have no idea what you're talking about. All I can say is that I hope that dumb-ass makes Goren suffer until his last, dying breath."

* * *

_**Two Weeks Later**_

_Major Case Squad_

_Wednesday, January 10, 2003_

_Approx. 9:07 AM_

Alex hurried through the Major Case bullpen and directly over to Deakins office. He'd called her and told her that Detective's Stabler and Benson were coming to inform him about the status of the case. Knowing that it would be wise and less troublesome if she was present as well, Deakins told her to hurry back to the office and join the meeting.

As she opened the door, both Stabler and Benson watched her come in with disapproving looks on their faces. "Captain," Alex greeted him as she walked behind the chairs the SVU detectives were sitting in and sat on the edge of the table. That was something Bobby usually did, but she found herself doing it more and more herself.

"Are you sure that she should be here," Olivia asked Deakins who nodded.

"Believe me, Detective Benson, if I hadn't told her about this and to come straight away, I'd never hear the end of it."

Elliot and Olivia exchanged looks before giving in. "All right," Elliot said first. "Here's what we know. According to video footage from the security cameras from Goren's apartment building, he and Detective Davis arrived to his apartment by 2:18 Saturday morning. Then, around three-thirty, an unidentified man took Goren from his apartment…He was unconscious."

Olivia took over from there. "CSU identified the blood and vomit on the living room floor to as coming from Goren. Tox report showed a sedative was given to Goren and that the mixture of the drug and alcohol is what made Goren get sick. As for Rebecca Davis, she was sedated as well and then raped. She was then strangled to death."

Alex closed her eyes and willed the urge to get sick away. She was still feeling that somehow it was her fault; if she would have driven Goren home, she wouldn't have gone up to his apartment and Rebecca would still be alive. Then again, Goren would still be missing. Either way, it was a no win situation.

"What about Darsal? Have you talked to him," Deakins asked as he leaned forward on his desk.

Alex didn't know how he could keep his voice so calm and collected when she constantly felt like she was going be break down just by breathing out wrong.

Elliot shook his head. "He's not talking. We went up to Riker's and questioned him about it, but he's claiming that he heard about it from the guards and other inmates. We asked the staff and they did say that they heard about it; whether or not the guards went off at the mouths in front of the other inmates," he shrugged. "None of them are saying one-way or the other."

"And this mystery man," Alex found herself asking.

Olivia glanced over at her. "There's nothing. No prints at the scene, he never looked at the camera, and Jared never mentioned anything about a partner but that's who we think it is."

Deakins was watching her and he tried to give her a reassuring smile but it failed to reach his eyes. "Okay then." He got up and shook both of the detective's hands. "Thanks for keeping us informed."

"Don't worry, Captain," Elliot suddenly said. "We're not going to let this drop. We've got people out trying to find this guy and every person carrying a shield is on the look-out for anyone remotely fitting the description we have."

"I know," Deakins assured them. "Our guys are out there too, and even more anxious at getting Goren back. If anything comes up…"

"We'll be sure to let you know." Olivia looked over at her one last time before they left the office.

Once they were gone, Alex sat down in the chair Elliot had vacated. "We're not going to find him, are we?"

Deakins stayed standing at the door, staring down at her. The furrowed worry lines that seemed permanent across his head became deeper. "I don't think that."

"It's been over a week and we still don't have anything."

Deakins sat down in the chair next to her and leaned forward so he was looking at her. "I know it's hard, but we have to believe he's still out there somewhere alive. It may not seem that way, and it sure as hell doesn't feel that way when every cop instinct you have is telling you that he's dead, it's been too long. But, if that were the case I think we would have found him by now. If Goren was dead, Jared would want to taunt us with that knowledge."

Alex thought about that and smiled. That sounded like something Bobby would say, and it made sense. "So, you're saying that because we haven't found his body yet that he's alive, being kept somewhere like he was a prisoner."

"Yeah," Deakins nodded. "It's not promising either way, but…If he's alive, whatever damage is being done to him is repairable. You can't repair death."

Alex felt the sickening feeling rise in her at the mental images that filled her mind. She could bare the thought of Bobby in a river with a bullet in his head, or of him being tortured in some room somewhere. Both scenarios made her eyes burn with tears and her stomach to twist in knots. "I want him back."

Deakins put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug. "I know; so do I."

* * *

_Judge Stevens's Chambers_

_Thursday, January 11, 2003_

_Approx. 1:55 PM_

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Judge Stevens leaned back in his chair and eyed them.

Elliot shifted his weight as he tried to stand his ground. "Your Honor, Mr. Darsal already made it clear that he knows about Detective Goren's disappearance, and from the threats he made and the evidence we collected, it's apparent that Darsal is the one responsible for it. Now, I know that you don't want to risk him getting away once he's out, but if it means him leading us to the whereabouts of a highly respected and valuable member of the NYPD's Major Case Squad, then I think it's worth it."

Casey Novak sent him an impressed look before sticking up for the detective. "The State will allow bail in this case, Your Honor. I happen to agree with Detective Stabler. Mr. Darsal is the only one that knows where Detective Goren is being held--"

"You two are assuming a hell of a lot, you know that." Judge Stevens leaned forward. "You have no idea if Detective Goren is even alive, and you don't know for sure that Mr. Darsal is behind it. Now, what I _do_ know is that Mr. Darsal confessed to nine counts of rape and murder."

"Which Detective Goren got for you," Elliot stressed.

Judge Stevens glared at him as he stood up and rounded the desk. "I'm not finished, Detective. If Mr. Darsal is released from custody, he will do it again, and what I also know is that I have nine families grieving the loss of their loved ones because of him." He eyed Casey before he turned his attention to Elliot. "I'm sorry, but I _can't _risk him disappearing from your surveillance. I can't risk him posing any more danger to society. His bail was denied and I will not overturn it."

"Even if it means Detective Goren's life."

"Yes, Detective," Judge Stevens acknowledged sternly. "Even if it means Goren's life.

* * *

_Unknown Location_

_He hadn't meant to make her mad. The picture he drew was supposed to please her, to make her happy that he was thinking about her while in school, that he cared and loved her. Instead, he'd made her angry at him…again. She was always angry, ever since his dad left; she'd blamed him while he blamed her._

"_Mom! Stop," he yelled as he tried to dig his heels into the wooden floor. His mom had him by the left arm and was pulling him across the floor. _

"_I have to get them out of you. You brought them here…I see them, hiding in your eyes. In there eyes!" She held the picture he'd drawn for her in front of his face._

_He shook his head furiously from side-to-side. "N-no…" he swallowed hard as the tears fell from his eyes. "I didn't." Then he saw it; the closet. His breath caught in his throat as his mom yanked him hard on the arm, nearly dislocating his shoulder, and threw him into the closet._

"_You'll be safe in there, Bobby!"_

_As he turned, the door slammed closed in his face and locked. "Mom!" He pounded on the door before trying to turn the knob. "M-mom, please! I didn't bring them; I swear it!"_

"_Stop the lies, Bobby!"_

_He pounded on the door until his fist bled. The raw fear crept up his body as the darkness overwhelmed him. He tried jumping up and reaching the chain for the light, but he couldn't reach it. He was too short. He feeling around in the darkness, he tried to find something he could stand on to reach it; there was nothing but fallen coats and jackets on the floor. _

_In his panic induced mind, he yanked all the coats off the hangers and piled them up. It wasn't much, but it made him able to reach the chain. When the light turned on, his body started to shake. The walls of the closet were caving in on him and he couldn't breathe. "Please," his voice trembled as tears burned his eyes. He pounded on the door again. "Mom, open the door! I can't breathe!" His bloody trembling hands fumbled on the door knob as he tried to open it again. "I'll be good," he pleaded into the door._

_There was no answer on the other side of door. There was nothing but silence. _

Bobby's body was trembling violently when his eyes sprung open. The mothball smell from the closet still lingered in his nose as he stared up into darkness. His lungs burned as his body was screaming at him. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't breathing. A painful gasp escaped him before his head spun from the lack oxygen. He was having another panic attack. It was the third attack.

His chest was heaving up-and-down as his breaths came horribly fast. The lightheadedness increased and he felt dizzy; like he was going to get sick. He needed to catch his breath, to calm himself, but he couldn't think. His entire body was screaming at him; every muscle in his back was trembling, his chest and ribs were on fire, and his face was hot and numb.

Trying to take deep breaths was getting harder and becoming painful as the aches in his raw throat muscles intensified. He was surprised that his throat wasn't swollen. He'd been shocked for a grand total of ten times now.

Somewhere along the time he'd lost track of time. He would sleep after the exhaustion stretched on for what seemed like days. Time meant nothing. Rubbing at the beard growth on his face, he knew it had to have been at least a week, maybe more. He needed a shave, and a shower, and some food. The man would give him cups of water every so often, but he hadn't been given food yet.

He couldn't do it. There was no way he'd last until they found him, if they were even looking for him after all this time.

_Please, Alex, don't give up on me._

The tears slid down the side of his temples and into his hair. He was going to break and there was nothing he could do about it. The fear was getting more difficult to resist, his mind was being consumed by it. He couldn't fight it off; even though he couldn't see the walls, he could feel them blocking all the air off from him. The air was too thick; he couldn't breathe it in anymore. He had to get out.

His legs kicked at the cage door until his foot slipped and his knee twisted and got stuck between the bars. Pain exploded in his knee and he stilled on the concrete floor; the pain washed over his body, disrupting the frenzy of his mind. He focused on the pain and grunted in despair as he tried to pull his leg back out. It was really jammed between the two metal bars.

It didn't take long for the fear to rear in him again and he tried to pull the bars apart enough to get his leg out. He screamed out as he twisted his leg back and used all his energy to pull it back. The pain was too much and he slumped against the floor as his leg throbbed. His knee felt like it was on burning with hot lava. Reaching down, his stomach twisted with what his fingers felt. He'd dislocated his knee and torn off some skin on his ankle from where it scrapped the bar.

Taking in a deep breath, he fixed his knee between both his hands, locked his jaw and then shifted it. His scream shattered out of his raw, gravely throat until there was no sound left in him.

His eyes rolled back into his head and he fell limply to the floor.

For a moment, light nothingness drifted through his head and body. He felt absolutely nothing. He was completely numb. Without warning, electric volts shot through his head as his hands jerked to the collar around his neck. His fingernails scratched at his skin as he tried to get under the collar.

He heard the cage door being opened then closed but he couldn't move from his balled position against the bars. Finally, the shocks stopped and he eased into the floor as his regained control of his breathing.

It took a long time before he got the will and energy to shift his body off the floor. Moving around, his feet kicked over something that was sitting by the door of the cage. He felt around and found it to be a plastic bottle full of something liquid. Unscrewing the cap, he smelt at the liquid and didn't smell anything. It had to be water. Taking at first a hesitant sip, the water wetted his mouth and the pleasurable sigh even surprised him. The water soothed his raw throat and tasted better than any glass of Glenlivet ever could.

Feeling around the floor again, his hand teased at a plate that had what felt like half a sandwich on it. Not caring anymore if he was being poisoned, he downed the sandwich in seconds. It only consisted of bread and turkey but it tasted like he was eating a gourmet meal.

It didn't take long for the cramps to clench at his stomach. He knew that it'd been a week or more since he last ate; and even through the unrelenting pain that galled at his stomach, he knew eating was worth it. He couldn't live without food. He'd be dead in three weeks.

And the pain it caused to his throat to swallow…The less he thought about that the better off he'd be. The water had helped it some, but it did nothing for the damaged muscles. All he could think of and be grateful for was the fact that least he was been fed. He winced at the sound of that. He was being fed like some animal who couldn't feed themselves. Rubbing at his cold face, he tried to relieve some of the tension and bleakness he was feeling.

Moving back against the bars, he tried once again to block the room and the pain from his mind. He had to believe that someone was still out looking for him. Hell, Eames was probably running around New York with a sledge hammer pounding down every door looking for him. Lying down on the floor, he rolled onto his side and tried to relax.

His left shoulder felt like if he slammed it one more time into the cage it'd snap in two. Just about every time he was awake, he'd try to bust open the cage door. Even though he knew it wasn't logical, he felt like if he didn't do it that he was somehow giving up. All his panic attacks spoke volumes about how he was giving in to the madness that threatened to overtake him. He was giving into the fear and the darkness; it was making him that much more vulnerable to the abductor.

_There was no way out._

He was trapped and no matter what he did he was going to stay that way. What he had to do was be ready to take action when an opportunity presented itself. It was just getting frustrating to have to do nothing but wait.

His mind could only come up with so many ways of possible escape plans before it even got bored. Earlier, he tried to keep himself calm and collected by counting backwards, but even that became started making him feel worse. It wouldn't take long before he found himself crying in defeat.

He closed his eyes against the onset of tears and let his mind wonder. It always ended up going to the same person. He envisioned Alex and the way he last saw her at the bar smiling up at him. He saw her glancing up at him while they were at their desk and seeing that knowing twinkle in her eye when she caught on to a theory he was going on about.

And then he pictured her looking over at him while they were driving to a scene and she asked if he was okay. The concern he would see in her eyes when she'd ask him something like that always made his heart clench. She was truly concerned for him; it seemed like she was always worried about him.

"_It'd be okay."_

_He turned from his stare out the window and glanced at her. "What will?"_

_Alex didn't look at him as she focused on driving. "Whatever it is that's making you this unsettled." She smiled over at him. "I'm just letting you know that it'd be okay, you'll get through it."_

_He shifted in his seat and stared back out at the passing scenery. "Don't you want to know what it is?" When he didn't get an answer in return, he looked over at her. She was smirking to herself. "What?"_

_She shrugged. "I don't need to know what's going on in that head of yours to know that in a day or two, or even a week, it'd be gone and you'll be…you, again. You're strong, smart…I'm certain you'll take whatever it is and learn from it."_

_Staring at her as the world passed them by he felt a genuine smile pull at his lips. "You know, for only being my partner for five months, you're starting to get me."_

"_Is that so unusual? For someone to 'get you'?"_

_He let the smile spread across his face. "Yes; it's never happened before. My own family doesn't get me."_

"_Lucky for you," she said as she glanced over at him with a warm smile. "I'm not family."_

She had grounded him then like no other person could. And she was still grounding him now. If he could keep focused on her, focused on the fact that he knew she was out there looking for him, then he could wait it out. He wouldn't give up. "Don't worry, Alex," Bobby whispered in his right arm. "I'm hanging on."

Suddenly the door to his cage opened. He had no idea that the man was even in the room. The man reached in and pulled him out. Bobby yelped in pain as the man dragged him out.

"Alex, huh?" The man growled into his ear. "You mean Eames, that bitch partner of yours."

Bobby jerked and tried to get out of the man's hold, but he was too weak. The man threw him forward, against the cage, and elbowed him in the back of the head. His face slammed against the top of the cage as the man leaned his full weight on him to hold him down. His arm was yanked around and tied to the top of the cage, and then the other.

He felt his body succumb to the position of lying over the cage and sighed in defeat. There was no way he was getting out of the tight binds. Bobby glanced back into the darkness and tried to search for any glimpse of the man who had him. "Where's your friend?" A fist connected with his head, banging his face back against the bars.

"He's not going to make it here thanks to you."

Bobby shook the fogginess from his mind as he tried to think. What'd he mean because of him? "What? Did I scare him off?"

"No, because of you he's getting life," the man yelled in his ear. "He told you that'd you'll pay, pig. And now since he can't be here himself to do it--"

"You have to," Bobby finished. There was only one person he could think of that would have done this, that would've had him abducted and thrown in a cage like an animal: Jared Darsal. Jared had threatened him, told him that he was going to pay for what he did to him. He spat out blood onto the floor and tried to turn as much as he could. "But, you don't want to…or have to. You said it yourself he's in prison for life. He can't make you do this."

"Yes, I do."

Why, Bobby thought. Why was this man so willing to let himself be controlled by someone that wasn't even there? His mind was frantically searching his clouded mind for anything, any connection at all that he could make and use to his advantage.

"I guess I should have told you earlier, pig. I did my buddy Jared a favor and slaughtered that bitch of yours."

Bobby's breath caught in his throat as tears burned his eyes. His mind stilled as he turned toward the voice that taunted him. "You're lying," the words trembled out of his mouth.

The man kicked him in his right injured knee making his legs buckle under him. Bobby resisted the urge to scream as the pain ignited like a fire through his body.

"Why do you doubt me?! I helped Jared and he's the one that got caught! Not me!"

Bobby listened to the raving man as he tried to keep consciousness. The pain was intensifying and he was certain that his knee was dislocated again.

"_I _killed her! Made her plead for life, and then I--"

"Please," Bobby choked out. He swore that no matter what he'd never plead or beg for anything, but he could continue hearing that man talk about Alex like that. He'd rather rip his own ears off than listen to the details of her murder.

"You two even beg the same."

Bobby felt an icy numbness run through his body as an animalistic rage reared, taking control of every part of his body and soul. He heard a terrifying noise that shook him to his bones. It was primal and instinctive, and it was coming from his throat. "You bastard!" He lunged back, trying to break loose of the ropes as the anger in him flared. "I'm going to fucking kill you!"

The man only laughed at his rage. "What's the matter, pig? You actually felt something for that slut."

Bobby twisted in the ropes as he growled out, "Fuck you."

"No, pig." The man moved heavily against him before pushing him hard into the cage. "I'm going to fuck you. And I'm going to make you squeal."

TBC…


	4. What's your name?

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who have been reading! Also, I really appreciate all the reviews I've gotten so far! They help me keep writing. If you haven't reviewed yet, please let me know what you think! You don't even have to sign-in to do it. Thanks again!**

* * *

**Ch.4**

_Unknown Location_

It was a lie. She wasn't dead. The man was just using that to torture him more. Alex was out there, alive and trying to track him down. She was looking for him; he knew she was. She had to be.

Bobby stared up into the darkness as tears broke free. He'd been telling himself that ever since the man had told him that Alex was dead. It was wrong and sick to make him believe such a lie. Yet, his mind was hard to convince. Jared had tried to attack Alex in the interrogation room; he'd wanted her. Jared had wanted Alex as a victim.

The man had gotten him. What made him think that he hadn't gotten Alex either?

"_Why do you doubt me?! I helped Jared and he's the one that got caught! Not me!" _The man had sounded sincere; genuinely angry that he'd doubted what he was capable of._ "I killed her!...You two even beg the same."_

He swallowed hard against the bile that rose in his throat. It stung and hurt but he didn't care. What if the man was telling the truth? Alex could very well be dead; tormented, raped, and killed by that twisted man. As he stared into the dark room, he felt something wither in his soul; it felt like a part of him was dying. Warm tears continued to well in his eyes, blurring black nothingness.

How he hated not being able to see. His leg started to repeatedly kick at the door of the cage. It wasn't meant to be hard or try and kick it open; he needed to feel something, _hear _something besides himself choking on a heart wrenching sob. With shaky hands he covered his face as he gave up trying to keep his anguish in; his whole body was trembling as his chest heaved and ached with every bust of fresh tears that burned at his eyes and pounded in his head.

No. It wasn't true. Bobby shook his head into his damp hands. It couldn't be. It was just a part of the game, the torture. The man was trying to break him, make him give up hope. He breathed in deep breaths, ones that shook his body as he inhaled and exhaled, as he tried to regain some of his control.

He wasn't going to let the man do that to him. He was stronger than that and he had to keep hope alive. If he didn't…His eyes opened into his hands. If he didn't…? How he finished that sentence off in his head made his stomach knot. It was too soon to be thinking thoughts like that.

Bobby heard the door open but it didn't close. He groaned and closed his eyes.

"Come on, pig. It's fun time."

Bobby didn't move. He stayed lying on his back, and kicking at the door. "Go to hell," he gritted out between a tight jaw. That was probably stupid, but it didn't matter what the man did to him; he'd already killed him. And all it took was for the man to tell him that Alex wasn't alive. That was worse than anything the man could ever do to him.

His leg kicked out into air once the door opened. The man caught him by the ankle and yanked. Bobby immediately grabbed hold of the bars on both sides of the cage. He kicked out again with his other foot, kicking the man in his chest.

The man yelped in pain and dropped his leg. "Fine; you want to play, pig. We'll play."

The electro-shock to his throat wasn't a surprise; Bobby knew it was coming. Instead of trying unsuccessfully to yank the collar off, his grip on the bars tightened as the man tried to pull him out. After several attempts at getting him out failed, the man let go and the shock ended.

Bobby relaxed and breathed out through his damaged throat. Just as he thought that maybe the man had left him alone, his left hand exploded in pain. Something thick and metal pounded repeatedly into his hand and fingers until he let go of the bars. It felt like every bone in his left hand was broken. "You…" he couldn't even get anything else out as his throat constricted against the pain.

He was being pulled out of the cage and flipped onto his stomach. His right hand was twisted up against his back and tied; the man grabbed his left hand and twisted it back; a high-pitched scream pierced his ears as pain filled his entire left arm. Once his hands were tied around his back, the man yanked him up to his feet.

As soon as he was standing, his legs gave and he fell back to the floor.

"Get up! You fucking pig!"

A boot caught him in the stomach and then his ribs. More hot, numbing pain was filling his body as he was kicked over and over; in his side, his back, his stomach. The man gripped him again and brought him to his feet.

"If I have to drag you, I'll have the shock collar on the whole damn time it takes me to get you to where we're going."

Bobby swallowed hard at that and took a step. It took him a lot of strength and effort to keep from falling over again. His whole body felt like it was crushing in on itself as his legs grew heavier with each step.

He was led down a hallway to the left and then shoved to his right into another room. His legs stumbled under him and he tumbled forward onto the floor, impacting the concrete face first.

The man was over him in seconds. He untied his hands from his back only to re-tie them in the front after he rolled him over onto his back.

Bobby felt something heavy being attached to the ropes. He felt around the ropes with his right hand until he felt something cold, metal, and had a pointy end. It was shaped like a 'j'. It was a hook. He heard the sound of a chain being cranked before he felt the tug on the ropes. Slowly, he was lifted off the floor until his feet could no longer touch the floor.

It was useless trying to tell what was going on behind him. He heard a lot of movement and metal banging against each other and then silence. Bobby wanted to ask the man what he was doing or going to do, but he didn't waste his breath. He'd know soon enough what as going on.

The first sound of the snap of whip jerked his body forward then his back burst in stinging pain as it struck him. He clenched his jaw to keep from screaming. It was bad, but it wasn't that bad. He could take the whipping. His hands clenched around the rope as he readied for another blow to his back. It didn't take long before he forgot about the pain as his mind drifted.

"_That her?"_

_Alex stared out of the windshield at the woman disappearing into the house. "Yep, Gina Douglas, aka: our prime suspect."_

_Bobby looked eyed the real estate sign in the front lawn. "See that." He pointed to the sign. "She's the agent."_

_Alex read the sign and glared over at him. "What're you thinking?"_

_Bobby grinned over at her as he opened the passenger door. "I'm thinking of buying a new house."_

"_Oh, no." Alex quickly jumped out of the SUV and followed him. "Do I have to remind you that I'm superior to you?"_

_Bobby glanced back at her as he headed up the walkway. "No, but as my Senior Partner I'd appreciate it if you backed me up."_

"_Which really means…?"_

_Bobby leaned down close to her and grabbed her hand. "Be my fiancée."_

_Alex stared up at him as he knocked on the door. She looked down at her left hand and held it up. "Where's my ring cheapskate?"_

"_I'm having it redone. Your diamond wasn't big enough." Bobby smirked as the door opened. "Hi!"_

_Gina Douglas smiled back at him. "Well, hello. I wasn't expecting to show the house until noon."_

_Bobby glanced at Alex. "We were just driving by and saw the sign. We figured since we're here." He looked around her. "Is that beige carpet? Honey, look…" he sidestepped the woman before she could react and was inside the house, looking around. "Wow!"_

_Alex rolled her eyes. "You have to forgive him; he's a little under-medicated today." She followed Gina past the foyer and into the living room._

_Bobby spotted the hallway and started walking toward it. "Where does that go?"_

"_To the bedrooms, they're--"_

"_How many are there," Bobby asked as he cut her off._

_Gina called over to him as he started down the hallway. "Three with an attached apartment over the garage."_

"_That's great" Bobby exclaimed. "Uh, how long have you been selling houses?"_

_Gina seemed a little surprised by the sudden question._

"_I'm just asking because me and my," Bobby glanced over at Alex, "Fiancée have been looking for months and this is the first time that I'm excited."_

_Gina smiled over at him. "It'll be twelve years next month."_

_Alex raised her brows at that. "And I heard that there wasn't longevity in real estate; too much competition and not enough people wanting to buy. Yet, you've lasted twelve years. You must make a killing."_

_Gina gave a modest shrug. "I get by."_

"_Get by," Bobby spoke up from where he wandered into the kitchen. Wow, the kitchen was as big as his whole apartment. "I bet you make more than a sweet penny." Gina and Alex joined him in the kitchen. He leaned against the counter. "I bet you don't even need a husband the way you rack in the dough."_

_Gina actually smirked at that but tried to hide it as she responded, "My marriage isn't about money."_

_Bobby leaned over the counter, closer to her and smiled sweetly at her. "Really? I guess with a beautiful woman like you, it must be for love then."_

_Gina blushed and gave him a teasing smile; her eyes lingered too long on him. "It is."_

"_You've never thought about anyone else besides him?"_

"_Thinking and doing are two different things, Mr…?"_

_Bobby glanced over at Alex and his smile immediately dropped. _

_Alex was glaring between him and Gina. "Are you two…flirting?"_

_Gina seemed to realize that Alex was still standing there and turned beet red. "I'm…"_

"_Don't," Alex snapped at her as she grabbed his arm. "We're leaving."_

_Bobby was pulled toward the living room and out the door before he had a chance to say anything. Once they were back into the SUV with the doors closed, he took a wary look over at Alex before he started laughing. "If I hadn't known better, Eames, I'd say that you really were jealous."_

_Alex started the SUV but couldn't keep the amused smile off her face. "That…"_

"_Was fun?"_

"_Interesting."_

_Bobby was still laughing as the truck turned off the street and toward the main room. "And fun; admit it."_

_Alex glanced over at him. "Okay, it was fun."_

_Bobby grinned as he stared out the window. He then turned back to her and in all seriousness asked, "Wanna do it again sometime?"_

The shock to his throat brought him back to the dark room, the man, and the pain that engulfed his body. His cry of pain was hindered by the constriction of his throat as volts of electricity rippled through his muscles. Once the shock stopped, his arms pulled heavily against the ropes; the ropes dug into his flesh and blood seeped from in between the ropes and his wrist and dripped down his arm.

All he could do was wait and see if the man was getting too tired to swing the whip again.

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Saturday, January 13, 2002_

_Approx. 12:01 AM_

Alex watched as the clock turned another day. Another day gone by and still no word about Bobby. They had nothing to go on. Jared was behind it, that they knew, but he wasn't talking. Detective Stabler had tried everything from talking to the Judge to talking to ADA Novak to get an offer to Jared that'd reduce his sentence if it meant him telling them where Bobby was, and still nothing. Jared had refused the deal and Judge Stevens had refused to help.

She had to admit that she was surprised at the devotion of Elliot Stabler was to finding Bobby. The man went from hitting Bobby in the middle of the SVU headquarters and bad-mouthing him a hallway full of Major Case detectives to going to bat from Bobby against a Judge and the ADA. If Bobby hadn't been taken, Stabler would still be out there fuming a vendetta against him.

And Bobby wouldn't have cared. If they were thrown into a room together, Bobby would have done everything he could to talk Stabler out of it and tried to reason with him. Bobby could knock a man down with one hit, she'd seen it, but he rarely resorted to violence when he still had words.

She smiled at that thought and rolled over onto her side and pulled the blanket up around her. The tears stung at her eyes as she stared out into her bedroom. Bobby truly was one of a kind. Her smile wavered as the memories of that day came back to her.

Deakins had given in and told her that he had to assign her a temporary partner. She'd protested it for over an hour before she was given the ultimatum of either a temp partner or no job. That wasn't Deakins ultimatum; it was from the Chief of D's.

Detective Stone was okay, but he was no Bobby. He was just a regular tough-guy cop who had more brawn that brains. She was certain that any good solve rate would have more to do with her wit than his anything.

But one thing was for certain that day and it was that the Judge's and DA's were going to have to do their jobs, because they would no longer get a nice, neat 'Goren' confession. The last confession Goren got was Jared Darsal's.

Tear streamed over her face and into her pillow. The gravity of the situation was setting in again and she felt her body start to shake. Bobby was more than just a partner though, he was her friend, and in a lot of cases, her best friend. She'd never told him that or even let on about it. She feared that'd he would retreat into himself completely if she let on that he was more to her than a partner. Bobby had a way of closing himself off when someone got too close. And he rarely trusted anyone, even his partners.

For him to have shown so much trust for her already, in just the short three years they'd been together was amazing. There had been stories, rumors, going around about Bobby's inability to keep a partner. That was why when he was with Narcotics he was a lone undercover officer. Even though his record was solid, he was just too intense and unstable for anyone to put up with. And his inability to trust caused his fellow officers not to trust him.

She was the only one. She hadn't liked Bobby at first; when they first became partners she thought he was insane. Everything that he did from his interviewing style to his interrogations, to the way he didn't talk to other officers, to the way he had to be hands-on with everything, and then the way he was constantly going up against Deakins. He was an insubordinate, arrogant, anti-social weird-o. And then, after Bobby had finally opened his door and started revealing information to her, she had grown to understand him. She had never regretted withdrawing her request for a new partner, but she regretted every day that she had once thought about going through with it.

Taking a cautious glance at the clock, she groaned that thirty minutes had gone by and she was still awake, thinking about Bobby. Closing her tear stricken eyes, she spoke a prayer and hoped it would be answered before trying to shut off her worried mind and falling asleep.

* * *

**Ten Weeks Later**

_Major Case Squad _

_Monday, March 5, 2003_

_Approx. 8:00 AM_

Alex strolled into the Major Case bullpen and nearly froze. Sitting on her desk was a cup of coffee from the shop down the corner. Frowning in anger and confusion, she looked around the office as she picked the cup up.

Detective Matthews spotted her and got up quickly from his desk. "Hey, easy, Eames. Stone wasn't thinking. I told him not to do that but he didn't pay attention."

"So, you left it there?"

Matthews sighed and rubbed at the back of his head. "I figured if you lay into him, he'd get the message loud and clear."

Alex wanted to hit Matthews, but she wanted to hit Stone even more. "Where is he?"

"Interview room; he's trying to hide from me, I think."

Alex smirked and stalked off to the interview room. She spotted Stone in there going over a case file. Opening the door, he glanced up at her and didn't bother smiling. "What in the hell is this?"

Stone frowned at her and eyed the cup. "Coffee. You don't like it?"

Alex took the lid off it and without thinking too much about it as the anger flared in her, she poured it over his head.

"Jesus, fuck, Alex!" Stone was out of his seat and glaring at her.

"It's Eames, _Stone. _I haven't given you permission to call me by my first name. And I told you two months ago don't ever put a drink on my desk in the morning unless you wanted me to dump it on your head! Apparently you thought I was joking!" Alex tossed the cup into the trash and turned around.

Deakins was in the doorway, eyeing her in disbelief. "Eames, my office now," he demanded.

Alex didn't even glance back at Stone as she followed Deakins to his office. She spotted Matthews, Andrews, and a couple of other detectives out of the corner of her eyes smiling and laughing; one even gave her a thumps-up before Deakins called out.

"Back to work!" Deakins slammed the door shut once they were both inside his office and wheeled around. "Damn it, Alex. What the hell was that?"

Alex crossed her arms. "What? It's not like he can't shower and change before we have to go."

Deakins glared at her before rubbing his face and sitting heavily in his chair. "God, Goren's only gone for two months and you turn into him."

Alex didn't say anything to that but kept her stance. "I'm sorry, Captain, but you can't expect me not to react when…when…" she couldn't finish that sentence as what she was about to say hit full force.

"When something reminds you of Bobby," Deakins finished for her. "I know. I mean, I can't even sit through an entire interrogation without wishing Bobby was the one doing it, but we can't let our emotions rule us."

Alex nodded and stared at her shoes. "I'm trying, but after keeping it all in and then Stone does something like that, after I told him not to…Bobby would never disrespect me like that. And I've had problems in the past with officers not respecting me." She eyed him for a moment before regaining her calmness. "It won't happen again."

"You know it used to be that Goren was the one who couldn't hold onto a partner. I'm just hoping Stone doesn't ditch you now."

"What can I say," Alex said with a shrug. "Bobby spoiled me. I don't want another partner."

Deakins smiled at that and nodded. "If it was my decision, you wouldn't, but it's too dangerous not to have one." He sighed and leaned forward on his desk. "I'm not going to reprimand you unless Stone demands it, and I don't think he will. Despite your…unwillingness to give the guy a break over anything, he likes working with you. But you will apologize and I'll use force to get you to do it if I need to." After a moment he leaned back in his chair and shook his head. "You're free to go."

Alex gave a small smile. "Thanks, and I'll apologize if he does it first." And with that, she left his office.

* * *

_Unknown Location_

The silence and the darkness used to scare him. He would wake up frightened and borderline panicked in the silent room. Now, he flinched at every sound he heard. And being locked in that room as long as he had there was a lot he could hear. It was like being blind. His sensory vision was gone but his hearing was a hundred percent better.

_When did the silence become a comfort? _

Bobby winced at that thought and shifted onto his side, being careful of the bruises on his back he rested on his right arm. His right wrist was swollen and it throbbed against the cold floor. He couldn't help as his thoughts replayed how that happened in his head.

_His right hand struggled against the ropes as the whip landed on his back, sending his body jerking forward. Biting down hard on his lip, he tried not to scream out as the spasm of pain rippled through his muscles. _

_It was getting harder to stay conscious and focused._

_If he didn't stay awake, he'd be shocked. Despite the pain, he'd rather be whipped than electrocuted. Swallowing down the sickness that'd risen in his throat, he readied himself for another blow. His back muscles trembled as he gripped the ropes that bound his hands to the hook and braced for the impending strike. _

_What pounded into his left shoulder wasn't the whip, but a solid metal bar. His sweaty hand lost the grip on the rope as his body jerked down from the force; he felt his right wrist twist violently before he heard the snap. Nothing could hold back his scream as he bellowed into the room. _

Shuddering at the memory, he covered his head. First his left hand had been shattered, and now his right wrist was broken. He had no way off fighting off the man now. He tried to protect his left hand, he'd ripped off a piece of his worn down boxer shorts and wrapped his hand up with it; but he couldn't move it and the feel of it made his stomach lurch.

He didn't know exactly how long it has been since it first happened, when the man pounded on his hand with that metal bar, but from the beard growth on his face it'd been about a month. His bones were healing wrong; his left hand was fucked unless he got to a hospital before the bones mended completely. He'd imagined that they would have to break his hand all over again to get it back to somewhat normal.

The growl and acid ache in his stomach sent him violently into a fetal position. The pain in his abdomen was getting worse. His body had lost too much fat and muscle. When was the last time he was given a bowl of soup? Two days ago?

He was at a complete lost of space and time. It was like he was in the damn twilight zone.

He knew what the time and days felt like. It felt like years since he last had a decent meal, since he was able to shower, and since he'd seen sunlight. And he seemed to sleep a lot more. It was easier to give into the exhaustion and fatigue and just sleep until the man came. Even when he was plagued by nightmares it was better than staring into darkness, or feeling the cold and pain.

When he dreamt it had always been about the abuse he'd suffered. As of lately, it had been about the first time the man had leaned him over the top of the cage and tied him down so he couldn't move.

He could cope with being raped. It was survivable. After it was over, he was reduced to a crumbling mess that the man mocked, and the feeling of being violated was overwhelming, but he could deal with that. What he couldn't deal with, and what caused his soul to sink and die, was hearing that Alex was dead.

Tears stung at his eyes and he willed those thoughts away. Those thoughts were causing him more damage than any of the physical abuse the man could put on him.

Letting his mind go, he came upon the same vision he always had when he needed to feel safe. He'd been relying on the images of Alex to keep him going. He prayed that she wasn't dead; that the man was just using that as a means to break his spirit and his willingness to fight back.

It'd seemed like years since he heard one of her sarcastic remarks and her strict tone when he was pushing too far too fast; he was amazed that he could still picture what she looked like. He would image her in his mind whenever he was in too much pain that he couldn't stop the tears. She'd be there for him when he needed to escape the teasing mocking voice that haunted his dreams and his waking hours.

He once tried to visualize his apartment only for it to be demolished every time he felt the whip strike his back. The same happened when he thought about the office or anyone there. Nothing in that place seemed to center him.

And the only time he ever thought about his mother he cried for hours and begged the man to kill him.

It was truly unsettling when he mother's voice in his ear and face in his mind could send him into a complete spiral through depression and abandonment, but that the face of Alex could keep him going when his body was protesting to give up. He didn't want to think about that, about that connection. Trying to figure out what that meant only served to fill his heart with more pain.

He would probably never see her again anyway even if she was alive. And he probably wouldn't see his mother again either. By now, his mother was probably strapped to a bed and sedated because he hadn't been there to see her or call her in God knows how long. Any disruption to her schedule sent her off into a psychotic break.

And he was a big disruption.

He used to think that Frank would be there for her if something were to happen to him, but that soon faded as he'd grown to understand that Frank wasn't reliable to do anything except throw his life away.

Trying not to take his mind back down that miserable road again, he rolled back onto his stomach and rested his head on his folded arms.

It took a lot of energy to do anything; even turning from one position to the other took a lot out of him. There was no room in the cage to do any sort of physical activity to keep his muscle mass up. It felt like he was withering away with one painful breath at a time.

He heard the man coming before he ever made his presence known. There was a door up above somewhere. Before, he couldn't hear it, but now it was as clear as hearing his own stomach growling. Then he heard footsteps moving around above him, going through one door and then through another. He had to be in the basement of the man's house; it was the only explanation.

The footsteps drew closer as the man hurried down a flight of stairs and then into the hallway that led to the room he was in. There were no locks being turned anymore. The only thing that the man locked now was his cage door.

"All right, pig, let's go."

_Pig_. That had become his new name. The man didn't call him anything other than that and every time he did a wave of dread shivered through his body. He was a pig locked in a cage.

The lock on the door clicked then a few seconds later the door swung open. It took him a moment to shift in a crawling position and it took even more effort to crawl out of the cage without collapsing. He had plenty of water, but he hadn't had nearly enough food to keep his energy up.

The man kicked him to the ground and tied his hands behind his back. If the man didn't end up killing him, his own body was going to do it for him. The man then pulled up on the collar until his was on his feet.

He stumbled as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed his sense of balance and he nearly ended back on the floor. He remembered once when he used to fight back, try in anyway to keep up the good fight, either verbally or physically, but since that day when the man broke his hand, he hadn't had the urge to fight.

It was useless. And Alex was dead. So what was the point? He just wanted to die. It wasn't like he was of any use to anybody now. Broken and mangled left hand, thoughts of suicide, feelings of depression, and he was probably blind. The lights might actually really be on he just couldn't see.

Now, there was a thought he hadn't had before.

Instinct fought against the idea of killing himself, and he must still have hope that the man was lying and that Alex was alive. That tiny amount of hope kept him from holding his breath or biting his wrists open.

"Move." The man emphasized that by pushing him from behind.

Bobby was pushed forward until he was out of the room and heading to the left. He had the pattern pretty down by now. The man led him into another room and in that room he would be hung from a hook and then the man would take his anger out on him until he went slack.

And just when he thought he could relax in the safety of his unconscious mind, a shock from the collar would wake him up for another round.

Today, though, something…_smelt_ different. He turned his head a little and got a good whiff from the man behind him. It was Jack Daniels; the man was drunk. "You've been drinking," Bobby got out in a whisper. In the quietness of the basement, he could be heard just as loudly if he'd screamed it.

"Yeah, what's it to you?"

Bobby shrugged. "Just wished you would've shared, that's all." For the first time, he heard the man laugh at something that wasn't about physical torture.

"Maybe next time."

Bobby stumbled into the room and came to an abrupt stop. He swayed for a moment before his heavy legs gave and he collapsed to the floor. His breathing came in hard, painful shakes as he tried to steady the rippling spasms that shot through his body. It was getting too painful, like he was starting to cave in on himself.

"What's the matter? I haven't even done anything yet."

Bobby's eyes clenched closed as the pain intensified. He'd never felt more afraid before in his life than right then. He felt like he was dying on the inside as his muscles and organs ruptured in a horrifying bust of hot liquid pain. "Please…God." The words trembled out of his dry mouth.

He suddenly gagged and started choking on real liquid that bubbled in his throat. The taste was copper and sent a new wave of panic through him. It was blood. He was coughing up his own blood.

The man was leaning over him, untying his hands. Once his hands were free, Bobby clenched at his stomach which revolted violently as he started dry heaving. There was nothing in his stomach to get rid off, he was feeding off himself.

"Son-of-a-bitch," the man whispered. "I'll be back."

With that, the man left him alone to tremble and convulse violently on the floor. After what seemed like hours, his body finally stilled and he breathed deeply into the concrete floor. He managed to crawl over to the wall and leaned against it. As he reached up with his right hand to get a solid grip on the brick to pull himself up, his hand brushed over something long and metal.

After getting to his feet, he felt the metal object in his hand and realized it was the metal bar that the man would use to beat him if he tried to get away. His hand gripped the bar as a new found hatred and determination filled his body, heart, and mind. It was the same animalistic rage he'd felt when the man told him that Alex was dead. No amount of pain that flared through his hand could make him drop that metal bar.

His balance was still off, but all he needed was one good swing.

Stepping out into the hallway, he walked directly across from the door and felt around the wall. The wall dented in a few steps down where he could lean against it and be invisible to anyone who looked down the hallway. He rested back against the bricks, took in some deep calming breaths and waited.

With his hearing, he could hear the man coming back some time later. He heard him coming through doors, walking down the stairs, and then down the hallway toward him. Once he heard the man come to a stop, he stepped away from the wall.

"What the…Where'd you go you fucking pig?"

Bobby's hands gripped the bar like a baseball bat and he took one last breath before he swung.

The man's head cracked against the bar as he screamed. He fell to his knees on the floor and groaned in pain. Bobby hit him again on his back, sending him onto his hands and knees. With a trembling right hand, he reached down and felt around until he found what he was searching for. He pulled the night-vision goggles off the man. As he strapped them on his own head, the rooms that had kept him trapped came into view, and so did the man who was still groaning in pain under him.

He was right, the man was big. Gripping the metal bar tighter he brought down another blow to the man's back.

Once he was satisfied that the man wasn't going to move, he searched through his pockets until he found the little device that controlled the electrical collar. Taking the bar, he smashed it into pieces on the floor. Bobby dropped the bar and gripped the man up by his hair, and not caring where the strength he was experiencing was coming from, he grounded the man's face into the floor.

That should have been the end of it, but he was raging underneath. He felt the overpowering urge to destroy the man that had not only held him captive, who had raped and tortured him, but who had killed Alex.

"You fucking bastard." Bobby heard his voice, but he couldn't believe the viciousness that flowed through it. That primal voice was back and whoever was talking, it wasn't him. Bobby was gone and the raging beast that was underneath spilled out.

The man tried to crawl across the floor away from him as blood seeped out of his wounded head.

Bobby followed the man with a satisfying, cruel smirk forming on his face. "Look at you now." He kicked at the man, sending him tumbling into the wall. "What's your name," he demanded between clenched teeth.

The man stilled at that and turned to face him. Bobby could see that the man was terrified.

"I asked for your name!"

"Tim," the man's voice trembled out.

That seemed to only help ignite his raging mind as laughter spilled from his mouth. "Tim! That's such a weak name for a big _boy_ like you. Are you weak, Tim?"

Everything that he'd heard from Tim and been observing filled his head. It may have been the first time he laid eyes on the big man, but he already knew who he was. He had already profiled Tim a million times over, and he knew every one of his weaknesses and he knew how to break him.

"No; I'm not weak!"

"Yes, you are." Bobby swung the bar over the man's head. The sound of it hitting the wall caused the man to jump with fright. "You're weak and pathetic."

"Please, don't--" Tim pleaded as he shivered against the wall.

Tim acted strong when he was in control, but without it Tim was nothing but a frightened boy. No wonder a thin, tiny man like Jared Darsal could control him so well. The control Tim tried to display was a façade. If Jared didn't demand it, nothing would have happened.

"Please don't what? Don't mock you!" Bobby's voice was trying to give out on him but it had been a while since Tim had last shocked his throat. "Don't strip you of everything that's in that tiny head of yours!" He emphasized that with a slap across the man's head. "Why shouldn't I take everything away from you when you took everything away from me? You perverted, disgusting piece of shit," he snarled in Tim's ear.

"Shut up!" Tim seemed to shrink in on himself at that.

Bobby didn't pay attention as his rage took full control. "You're nothing but a puppy that'd do anything to please his Master. Even when Jared couldn't touch you he had you on his leash. Do you know why? Because _Tim_ isn't worth anything! Tim's not a man! He's nothing; just a thing to be controlled and used. Jared used you like an animal."

Tim tried to cover his ears to stop the onset of the venomous rage that that flowing from his mouth. "Stop it; I'm not nothing. I'm…I'm…"

"Stop lying to yourself." Bobby was right in his ear again. "Do you know why you let him use you? Do you know why you let him control you? How he made you do things that weren't to satisfy your needs or your wants but his?"

"I'm his friend, he relies on me….I help him and he--"

"He takes advantage of you! He doesn't help you." Bobby could see Tim losing himself inside his head. "He controls you! How is that possible?"

Tim shook his head. "I don't know! I'm not--"

"What does he make you do? Huh?" Bobby grabbed Tim by the shirt and held him against the wall. "Does he make you kill women? Rape them? Rape _men_ even though it sickens you?"

"Y-y-yes." Tim was staring off into space right in front of him as his mind was being completely taken over.

"You're pathetic. You don't even try to think for yourself. You let other people do it for you. You're a waste of life and everything that makes you human. And the reason you're a waste is why?"

Tim's body shuddered as he took a deep breath. "I'm nothing."

Bobby's grin was terrifying sly. He leaned right down next to Tim's ear and whispered, "And people who are nothing don't deserve to think at all, do they?"

Tim swallowed hard as his teary eyes grew with fear. He shook his head 'no'.

"Oh, don't you worry," Bobby snarled into Tim's ear. "I'm going to make sure that you _never _have another coherent thought running through that filthy little head of yours."

TBC…


	5. What about mentally?

**A/N: Thanks again to those of you who are reviewing! I love getting comments! **

* * *

**Ch. 5**

_St. Anthony's Mercy Hospital_

_Tuesday, March 6, 2003_

_Approx. 6:00 PM_

Alex thought her heart was never going to stop pounding in her chest. She hurried through the emergency entrance doors and ran up to the information desk. Her breathing was coming in short gasps as she tried to speak; luckily Deakins was right next to her.

Deakins held up his shield. "I'm Captain Deakins; I called about a Robert Goren."

The nurse immediately pointed down the hall. "Use the first elevator on the left and go up to the fifth floor; the nurses up there will help you."

Alex was to the elevator before Deakins even got a chance to nod his thanks. She pressed the button and waited impatiently for the damn thing to open.

"Calm down, Alex; you're going to give yourself a heart attack before we even get up there to see him."

Alex knew he was right but she'd been waiting for over two months for this moment. She still remembered getting the phone call from Deakins a little over an hour ago. Her body was still trembling with the words he told her. They found Bobby and he was alive. Technically, Bobby saved himself. He had called the police roughly three hours ago and stayed on the line until they could trace the call.

The doors opened on the fifth floor and Alex didn't have to go to the nurse's desk. She spotted the two people she was searching for and headed straight for them.

Elliot stood from the chair in the waiting room and gave her a soft smile. "Hey, Eames."

"Has his doctor said anything?"

Elliot shook his head. "Not yet."

Alex groaned in frustration and sat down heavily in a chair. "But he's okay?"

Elliot nodded but he wasn't looking too convinced of his own movements. "He's…"

"Stable," Olivia offered up from beside him. "He's in ICU."

Deakins sat down beside her and gave her a light squeeze on her hand. "Relax, Alex, he's in the hospital now." He then turned to Elliot. "So, what happened exactly? We heard that he called the police?"

Elliot eyed Olivia as he tried to put into words what to say. "That's right. We got a call from the 2-0. They responded to a call of someone claiming to be Robert Goren, he kept them on the line until they were able to trace the call because he didn't know where he was."

"I thought he was found at a house?"

Olivia frowned. "He was. He, uh, said that he couldn't see anything."

Deakins rubbed at his neck and leaned back in the chair, confused. "You mean he couldn't see the address from where he was?"

Elliot shook his head. "No, sir; he literally couldn't see. He was being blinded by the light. The…room he was kept in was completely dark. If he was kept there this entire time then his eyes are probably extremely sensitive to light."

Alex swallowed hard as she started to feel sick to her stomach. "Bobby was kept in a dark room?"

"The basement, actually," Olivia corrected.

Deakins seemed to be taking it all in as he nodded. "Okay and…?"

Elliot stared down at the floor as he continued. "The call came to us first because we're the ones listed as working the case." He took a deep breath and looked up at them. "When we got there, Goren was already in an ambulance. I talked to the paramedics and they said that…They said it was bad, he had been physically beaten, his left shoulder was swollen, possibly broken, and he could barely walk. Uh…" he glanced at Olivia who nodded. "He, uh…he had been…raped, as well."

Alex sucked in a deep breath and released it. She'd feared the worst when she thought about all the things that could happen to Bobby because of Jared Darsal; rape was one of them. She had hoped that she was wrong. Tears were starting to break free and fall down her face, but she wasn't letting it take over. She had to stay calm and know what happened so she could be there for Bobby.

Elliot was watching her closely and reached over and gave her his own reassuring hand squeeze.

It was weird, not more than three months ago Elliot had turned from despising Goren and having her slapping him across the face for his insensitivity; and now, he was helping her get through it. Alex gave him a smile. "Thanks. Is there anything else that we need to know?"

Olivia leaned forward so she was closer to them. "The man who had him, his name is Tim Landy. Do you know him?"

"No," Deakins spoke up. "Alex?"

Alex thought about it but the name didn't ring any bells. She shook her head. "No, I don't. But, he's in custody?" Alex asked as she sat back in the chair and released a breath of air.

Elliot was eyeing them like he didn't know if he could, or should, explain further.

Alex frowned in confusion and eyed him right back. "Isn't he?"

Olivia was the one who spoke up. "In a way, he is."

"What's that supposed to mean," Deakins demanded. His sudden loud voice startled everyone in the waiting room. "He's not here is he?"

"As a matter of fact, Captain, he is but--" Elliot was cut off as Deakins abruptly stood.

"What?! How could you let them bring him here?"

Elliot was on his feet and trying to calm the Captain down. "He's not in this part of the hospital."

"I don't care if he's in the morgue of the hospital he shouldn't be here."

Elliot looked at Olivia for some help.

Olivia stood and eyed Deakins. "Captain Deakins, he's in the Psychiatric Ward"

Deakins stilled and looked from her to Elliot. "The Psychiatric Ward? Is he claiming insanity?"

Elliot shook his head. "He's not claiming anything. He's waiting there until he's permanently transferred to the Seaview Psychiatric Center on Staten Island."

The silence that filled the small gathering of people made everyone in the room suddenly stare over at them.

Alex could feel the confusion and the fear creep up her body. "He's…mentally insane?"

"According to his neighbors, he hadn't always been that way," Elliot said as gently as possible. He looked down at her. "Not until today."

Alex slowly got to her feet. Deakins placed his arm around her shoulder to make sure she was okay. He knew that she hadn't been able to get much sleep for the past two months. "What are you saying? That Bobby did something to him?"

Elliot's jaw flexed as he crossed his arms. "When we got there, Landy was…He wasn't there, you know. The doctors said that he'd been mentally broken. And that nothing will be able to bring him back. He won't be able to face charges or spend anytime in jail because he'd never be mentally sound again. He's going to spend the rest of his life in a psychiatric institution."

Alex felt her body give as the accusations of what he was saying sank it. Deakins caught her before she fell to the floor; he was able to guide her back down to the chair. "Oh, God…How?" Deakins was rubbing her shoulder as she felt the tears stream down her face. "How could Bobby do that?"

"Hey." Elliot sat back down and leaned closer to her; his eyes full of sympathy and confusion. "It's okay. Goren won't be charged with anything; it's not like he killed Landy. Nothing will come of this. Okay, so Goren broke the guy, it's not like Landy didn't deserve it for what he did to him."

Alex shook her head as her eyes blurred with tears. "You don't understand. It would have been better if Bobby _did _just kill him. But, he didn't. He did more than just manipulate Landy's mind, he tortured it until there was nothing left. Bobby…" she shook her head. "He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't put somebody through that."

Deakins nodded in agreement. "She's right. You may not think it means a hell of a lot, but to Goren, that's everything. That's what Bobby calls 'mental rape' and he'd never do anything like that to someone."

"Yeah, but, this wasn't just someone," Elliot stressed. "This was a man who abducted him, who held him prisoner for over two months, who nearly starved him to death, and who physically and sexually abused him."

"It doesn't matter." Alex tried to stop the trembling in her voice but it wasn't working. Her whole body was trembling. She knew that Elliot was trying to defend Bobby, which was interesting and surprising enough, but he didn't know Bobby like they did. "Landy was still a person with a mind. And Bobby took that away from him." She didn't want to believe her own voice and the words she'd just spoken. It was getting too painful to think about.

They all looked at each other not knowing what to say. In the end, no one spoke at all.

Alex settled back in the chair and rested her head on Deakins shoulder. If she'd tried that three months ago he'd look at her like she was nuts, but now the touch was welcomed and it seemed to relax her.

The two months following Bobby's disappearance had been tough for both of them. Deakins was feeling like he let Goren down because he was his Captain and he was responsible for his guys, while she was feeling like she should have been blamed for it even happening.

She had let herself rely on Deakins to keep her calm and it was all she could do to keep tugging along while Bobby was missing. Every call about a dead male found somewhere her heart would clench in her chest. And every day she walked in to see his chair empty sent her running to the bathroom.

Alex was jarred from her thoughts as Deakins shifted to stand up. She looked and noticed a doctor heading their way. Bracing herself, she stood next to Deakins and willed the butterflies in her stomach away.

The doctor gave them a small smile as he introduced himself. "I'm Doctor Jefferies; you're all here regarding Robert Goren?"

Deakins nodded. "I'm Captain Deakins; Goren is one of my detectives. This is his partner Alex Eames, and Detectives Stabler and Benson are working his case."

Doctor Jefferies shook hands with all of them before motioning them to sit down. He sat down across as well. "I understand that Mr. Goren has no immediate family that can be contacted."

"That's right," Deakins confirmed. "His mother is a permanent resident at Carmel Ridge and his brother…" he looked over at her.

Alex shook her head. "He hasn't heard from him in years. I don't think he even knows how to get in contact with him."

Doctor Jefferies smiled as a way of assuring her. "It's okay. I have here," he looked at the clipboard in his hand. "That you're his power of attorney and emergency contact, Captain."

Alex looked at Deakins stunned.

Deakins noticed her and smiled. "Don't look to shocked, Alex. He had to give it to somebody." He turned back to the doctor. "Yeah, uh, enough with the formalities. How's he doing?"

"Well, physically he's suffering; fortunately, a lot of his outer injuries aren't serious or life threatening. I'll, uh, give you the good news first. His left shoulder was fractured but he'll be fine in about a week; the same goes for his broken right wrist. He did a number on it, but it'll heal one hundred percent. He had one broken rib and three others were cracked. There were multiple lacerations to his back as well as a lot of bruising, but it caused no damage to his spine. There's swelling and deep cuts that we're monitoring but they're healing nicely. No infections."

"What about his…lower body," Alex asked as she tried not to read too much into what the doctor meant when he stressed the outer damages of Bobby.

Doctor Jefferies seemed to consider that before saying, "He was sexually assaulted multiple times; there was tearing and bleeding as a result, but we've been able to keep the damage to a minimum. And we sent blood samples to Toxicology. His right knee had been dislocated a few times and when it was put back into place ligaments were torn. Surgery will fix it; he'll have to use a cane for about a month afterwards but after that he should be able to walk on his own, and after a couple more months he could do some light running."

Deakins sighed and leaned back in his chair. "If that's all good, what's the bad news?"

Doctor Jefferies studied the clipboard in his hand. "His left hand."

Alex stilled and eyed the doctor. "What about it?"

Doctor Jefferies looked a little uncomfortable. "It started to mend without being properly fixed. We're going to have to perform surgery on it and hope for the best, which is fifty percent."

"But, Bobby's left handed."

That made Doctor Jefferies look more uncomfortable. "Then we'll hope for eighty, but it's highly unlikely. We might be able to get him to the point of signing his name again, but anything else…We'll have to wait and see." He looked back up at them. "As for internally Mr. Goren--"

"Bobby," Alex corrected. "He likes Bobby."

Doctor Jefferies smiled. "Bobby has a respiratory infection that we're keeping a close eye on. He was nearly starved to death. His organs were starting to fight for survival. If he'd gone another week like that we wouldn't be discussing him at all. We've got him on some IV's and he won't be able to have solid food for some time while we rebuild his tolerance." He took a deep breath. "Another thing we're keeping an eye on is his throat. One of the reasons why he can't eat yet is because he's not capable of doing so. His throat is severely damage. I'm not sure how he was able to talk at all besides sheer willpower. It'll take time to see exactly what the extent of the damage, there's too much swelling to get a full grasp on what it's like right now." He checked the papers over one more time. "That's it."

"What about mentally?"

Alex looked over at Elliot and frowned. She didn't know if she wanted to hear the answer to that.

Doctor Jefferies glanced at Elliot then at Deakins. "Dr. Roberts our Psychiatrist is with him; the last I heard is that he's…unnaturally calm. Usually after something like this the person is extremely emotional and unfocused but Bobby is…He's not responding. Granted, he's not talking but he's not responding in any way. It's like he completely turned himself off."

Alex shook her head. That wasn't like Bobby at all. When stress or a situation got the best of him, Bobby would hit the wall or storm off. He wasn't the type to just shut down completely. He was too wired. True he was a recluse, but his emotions usually got the best of him when he was backed into a corner. And for him not to respond and to be calm about all this, she just couldn't see it. "Can we see him?"

That seemed to sadden Doctor Jefferies. He frowned as shook his head. "Before he stopped speaking he requested that nobody be allowed to visit."

"Wait, he's keeping us away from him," Deakins asked; his voice starting to pitch with annoyance.

"If that's the way you see it, then yes." Doctor Jefferies stood and straightened his tie. "I'm sorry; if it was my decision I'll let you in, but he doesn't want any visitors."

"I'm his partner," Alex stressed. "Can you at least let him know that I'm here?"

Doctor Jefferies nodded in sympathy. "I will; I don't think he'll change his mind, but I'll let him know." He looked at the floor and then back up at her. There was a look in his eyes that made Alex feel like she'd been singled out. "I truly am sorry."

Elliot stood and eyed the doctor. "We have to see him; we need to take his statement."

Doctor Jefferies shook his head. "Then it's going to have to wait. It's not that he's just refusing to talk, he can't; and Dr. Roberts wants to make sure he's mentally stable enough before he's subject to any questioning."

* * *

_ICU Room 4_

_Tuesday, March 6, 2003_

_Approx. 6:05 PM_

What had he become? He was a monster; a beast that tore into a man's mind and ripped it out. The sickness that burned in his stomach grew until it consumed his entire being. What had he done?

"_You're pathetic. You don't even try to think for yourself. You let other people do it for you. You're a waste of life and everything that makes you human. And the reason you're a waste is why?"_

_Tim's body shuddered as he took a deep breath. "I'm nothing."_

_He leaned right down next to Tim's ear and whispered, "And people who are nothing don't deserve to think at all, do they?"_

_Tim swallowed hard as his teary eyes grew with fear. He shook his head 'no'._

"_Oh, don't you worry." He had told Tim. "I'm going to make sure that you never have another coherent thought running through that filthy little head of yours."_

He needed to lash out, to yell, to move and hit something, but he couldn't get his body to work. His mind was overpowering everything else and he couldn't function properly. In the distance, he heard someone talking to him; it was a voice he didn't recognize.

A nagging urge was trying to make him respond, to say or do anything to let that voice know that he was okay, but he couldn't get his body to react. It was like he was stuck in that room taunting Tim, and making him believe the words that filled his head and broke it, but it was all taking place in his mind. Not the room. He wasn't in the room anymore. Was he?

He couldn't get his vicious voice out of his mind. The guilt that twisted at his stomach was relentless. It worked up to his heart and clenched it so hard he was certain he was going to die of a heart attack.

What had he become? He'd become the abuser.

"_Mr. Goren?"_

The voice drifted into his head and he flinched.

"_Mr. Goren, can you hear me?"_

Bobby blinked back against the light that nearly blinded him and clenched his eyes shut. His face winced from the pain that engulfed his head.

_Where am I?_

There were beeping sounds. They were constant and pierced his ears, shattering them. It was too loud. Everything was too bright and too loud. He could hear watering dripping off to his right; it was making his jaw twitch.

It didn't sound like the basement. No, no…Not the basement. This place was different. It smelled of sterile anesthetic and starch. And there was light. Hospital?

"_What am I doing here? Bobby, what is this place?"_

_He tried to smile at his mother, but he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. "You know where you are, Ma. You're at Carmel Ridge."_

_His mother glared at him from across the room. "Carmel Ridge? What is that, some kind of retirement home?"_

_He felt the headache coming and the impending explosion from his mother. This was going to be one of her bad days. "Is that what you think it is?" The look she sent him used to send him running when he was a kid; now, it only made his heart break._

"_Don't do this, Bobby. Don't play these games with me. Just answer the question," she snapped. "Where am I?"_

"_You're, uh…You're safe, and you're being taken care of. That's all that matters, isn't it? And I'm here."_

"_What, is that supposed to make me feel better? Where were you yesterday, and the day before that?"_

"_I called." He sat down on the couch and watched as she rearranged her shelves. She always did that whenever she thought she just moved there. It'd been nearly twenty years, yet once in a while she'd swear that she's been home in Brooklyn all those years. "Did you paint those?" He pointed to the pictures on the walls. He knew she did, but sometimes…_

"_No. Don't you remember, Bobby. You and Frank painted those for me."_

_Frank couldn't even finger-paint yet alone paint something like that. "I forgot," he said. "It was a long time ago."_

_His mother looked over at him; she held two books in her hands and they were starting to shake as the anger spurred in her. "A long time ago? Bobby, I said to stop it!"_

_Before he could move, a book flew toward him. He was able to bat it away but the other one caught him against his right eye. Standing, he tried to ease his mother's rage. "Ma! I'm sorry. Okay, you're right. I, uh, I shouldn't been teasing you like that. Hey," he leaned down and picked up the book. "This is book here; I bought it for you when I was seventeen. I thought it'd be a great Christmas present."_

_She stilled and eyed the book in his hand._

"_I loved this book, Ma. It's…Uh, I remember when you read it to me, at night. Frank would be out with dad and you…You would stay up and read to me." He eased closer to his mother and opened the book to show her. "See, I wrote in it--"_

"_You ruined it."_

_He eyed his mom as those words hit him. He'd ruined it? "How?"_

_She took the book from him and put it back on the shelf. "Don't play dumb. You wrote in it. It's ruined. It was a first edition." She turned back to him; the tears in her eyes were trying to break free but she wasn't letting them. "Bobby, where am I? And I don't want any of your games, okay. No tricks."_

_He stepped closer to her, and took a deep breath. "You're in a hospital. Carmel Ridge is a hospital."_

"_They say…I heard them, they said that I'm schizophrenic." Her eyes were pleaded with him to tell her different. "They're lying."_

_He knew well enough to stay back but he leaned in closer and grabbed her hand. He shook his head. "No, they're not lying."_

_The tears slid down her face as she pulled back from him. "Get out."_

"_Ma, please…"_

"_No! Get out! And call your brother. He'll tell me the truth." She stood in front of the bookshelf and wouldn't look at him._

_He felt the anger gather in the pit of his stomach. There was nothing he could say or do now to make her look at him, or even talk to him. Until she was feeling better, he'd be lucky if she talked to him for more than a minute on the phone. And he'd call, just like always._

He'd finally lost it. He had snapped, and in the worst way possible. Was he in a regular hospital or at Carmel Ridge? Was his mother down the hall laughing at him?

The frustration, anger, and confusion shook through his body and he couldn't control it.

"_Get Doctor Jefferies back in here!"_

Oh, God. He'd mentally raped a man and now he was insane and dying and Alex was dead.

His body felt like it was twisting and breaking apart as sharp pain shot through his chest, head, arms, and legs. The muscles constricted in his hands and arms; he couldn't move. He felt paralyzed and he couldn't breathe. His heart as pounding and aching as his arms began to tingle in pain.

"…_hurry…I think he's…"_

* * *

_ICU Waiting Room_

_Tuesday, March 6, 2003_

_Approx. 6:11 PM_

Elliot stood and eyed him sternly. "We have to see him; we need to take his statement."

Doctor Jefferies shook his head. "Then it's going to have to wait. It's not that he's just refusing to talk, he can't; and Dr. Roberts wants to make sure he's mentally stable enough before he's subject to any questioning." He glanced at Alex and frowned. He really wished he could do something, but until he was given permission by either the patient or Dr. Roberts, he couldn't let her in.

"Dr. Jefferies!"

Jefferies turned and immediately left the small group. As he headed toward the nurse, he could see beyond her and into the ICU ward. The light was blinking outside Goren's room and Dr. Roberts was in the hallway. He was panicked. "What happened?"

"You need to hurry," Roberts called from the doorway. "I think he's crashing!"

The machines were going crazy as the heart monitor was increasing rapidly. "He's having a heart attack. Nurse!" Before Jefferies could relay any instructions, the heart monitor flat-lined; he frantically searched for a pulse and didn't find one. "We're losing him!"

The nurse tore open Goren's gown and prepared his chest.

"Clear!" The first shock didn't do anything. Goren's heart was still stopped. "Again," Jefferies called out and waited until the volts were up. "Clear," he called as he pressed the buttons.

* * *

_ICU Room 4_

_Tuesday, March 6, 2003_

_Approx. 6:19 PM_

It felt like he was drifting, floating between sleep and awake. Nothing hurt, he couldn't feel anything, not his body, not his emotions, and his mind was calm. Then suddenly, the air around him was getting heavier as it felt like his chest was being crushed. Noises buzzed like static in his ears. Bobby blinked his eyes open and glanced around the room.

A man in a white coat was standing over him. "Welcome back," he said as he shined a light in his eyes, causing them to sting and throb.

Bobby jerked his head away from the light. "Hurts."

"And I see that you're finally responding. How are you feeling?"

"Like…'m dead," Bobby said in all honesty. His voice sounded raw and it ached with every word.

The doctor stilled and smiled down at him. "Not today. Do you know where you are?"

Bobby closed his eyes and thought about it. He knew he was in a hospital, but he didn't know where or which one. "Hospital," he mumbled as it was getting harder to talk. His voice was barely a whisper in his ears.

"That's right; you're at St. Anthony's Mercy Hospital."

Bobby's head was feeling light and numb. It was getting hard to think. "Which…ward?"

The doctor gave him a concerned look before answering. "ICU; were you expecting some place different?"

Bobby didn't respond to that. Yeah, he was thinking more along the lines of being in a mental institution. He'd probably be transferred within the week. Closing his eyes, he tried to rest but the sounds in the room were making his head throb with pain. His temples were pounding with the sound of the dripping water. "…favor?"

"Depends."

Bobby opened his eyes and looked toward the bathroom. "Water, dripping…stop it."

The doctor opened the bathroom door and looked back at him, stunned. "Yeah, sure." He went in and barely turned the knob and the water stopped.

Bobby relaxed into the pillow. He knew he couldn't get the doctor to turn the machines off, but at least the dripping stopped.

"Mr. Goren?"

"Hmm?" Bobby didn't open his eyes as the pain started to ease and so did his racing mind.

"I just wanted to tell you that your partner's here. She's waiting outside, in the waiting room."

Bobby turned his head and barely opened his heavy eyelids. "Alex?"

The doctor nodded. "Yeah, Alex Eames. She wanted me to let you know that she's here."

Alex was there? She wasn't dead. Tim had lied. Bobby tried to keep his eyes open, but the drugs were taking over and he was drifting. "Tell her…'m sorry."

TBC….


	6. First hand witnesses

A/N: Wow, I'm loving the reviews! Thanks to those who are sticking around and still reading. It's going to get interesting from here on out. Also, this was the hardest, and longest, chapter to write. That's why it took me so long to post it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!

* * *

**Ch.6**

_ICU Room 4_

_Thursday, March 8, 2003_

_Approx. 3:09 PM_

_His head was spinning. It felt like he was experiencing vertigo but he couldn't see how high he was up. The cold concrete he was lying on helped to numb the welts that throbbed along the length of his back. The nauseous feeling was coming back as the room spun around him. _

_He was getting sick and tired of this, sick of himself, sick of the lack of noise, sick of the darkness. He was sick of being sick. His hands rubbed over his face and settled there. Hot breath filled his palms, making them sweat. It seemed to warm his hands as the rest of his body shook from the cold. His warm sweaty hands rubbed up over his eyes as his wrists brushed over his mouth._

_He yawned into his wrist and as his mouth begun to close, his teeth skidded over his skin. The sensation caused a shiver to course through him. He stilled as the thought entered his disoriented mind. He teasingly tested the feel of his teeth scrapping over his wrist. They pierced a little deeper, more painful each time. _

_It would be so easy to bite down…_

_Jerking himself up, he dropped his arms and shook that thought out of his head. He was getting desperate, but that kind of desperation he didn't need nor want. He wanted to get out, but doing that? Committing suicide? _

_Tears burned at his eyes at that thought. He couldn't give up hope yet. _

"_Bobby?"_

_He swung his head around toward the sound. His heart was pounding out the sound of his name. It had been so long since he heard it that he almost forgot what it was. "Hello?"_

"_Bobby."_

_The voice came from the right, he turned and started at what he knew was the brick wall. Where was the voice coming from? It was a woman's voice. He gripped the cage bars as he tried to search the dark room. A fear gnawed at his stomach and worked its way up his chest. _

"_I'd be okay, Bobby." The voice said again; it was calming and reassuring. It sounded like Alex's voice._

"_Who's there," he screamed out into the room._

_The fear filled his head causing it to pound. There was nobody there. He was hearing things. His hand gripped the bars tighter as he started to tremble. He was losing it. The darkness, panic, and paranoia were getting to him. First, he hears voices then next…what? Seeing people? Will he wake up one day and swear that Alex was physically in the room with him?_

_He was turning into his mother. No! He wouldn't let the delusions take over. If he let his mind cross that line, there would be no way back. He'd be gone. He WAS gone. _

"_Bobby?" This time it was a male's voice; strong and assertive._

_He covered his ears and clenched his eyes shut. "Stop," he yelled into the room._

"Bobby!"

His eyes snapped open into the brightly lit room. He groaned at the invasion of light and he shut his eyes again. There was a hand on his right shoulder. Bobby slowly blinked his eyes open and looked at the person standing over him. It was Dr. Jefferies. He tried to shift up into a sitting position but the doctor held him down.

"Relax. Here," Jefferies took the bed controller in his hand and pressed a button.

Bobby felt the bed begin to rise up, maneuvering him into an upright position. "Thanks," he barely got out once he was sitting almost upright. "Hate…lying down."

"From what I've been hearing the last couple of days, you don't sleep much at all."

"Had enough…" Bobby swallowed around the cotton in his mouth. "Water?"

Jefferies handed him a cup of ice chips and Bobby frowned. "The best I can do right now. Your throat is still in bad shape. Good news is that the swelling went down and we don't think there will be any permanent injury. We're going to start giving you some medicine to take that should help with it; in a week you should be as good as new. Just try not to talk too much for the next few days."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "You…don't know me, very well."

Jefferies chuckled as he began checking him over. "That's why I said _try_, Bobby."

Bobby waited until Jefferies was done checking over his vitals and stats before asking, "How am…I doing?"

"Very good, actually. All your infections are clearing up and you're responding well to all your medications. Once I transfer you out of ICU, I'll schedule an appointment for you to have surgery on your knee."

"When will that be," Bobby asked the doctor. He'd only been in there for two days; it couldn't be too soon.

"Tomorrow."

Bobby stared at the doctor. "Tomorrow?"

Jefferies gave him a warm smile as he sat the clipboard down. "Despite all you've been through, you're a tough guy. And you were in pretty good shape before the, uh…all this happened. It's not going to take you long to recover. The only major injuries are to your knee, hand, and…your head."

"My head's just fine."

"Your partner warned me that you were stubborn."

Bobby glanced over at the doctor before staring at the opposite wall. He still hadn't seen Alex yet. The truth was that he was afraid to see her, to hear her voice. It would remind him about the damage he'd done to Tim and the reasons why he had lost his control.

"She's stubborn as well. I think she tried to bribe the nurse to let her in more than once."

"I can't…" Bobby trailed off as he shook his head. "I, uh…don't know what to say to her."

Jefferies only nodded. "Okay. What about the detectives, Stabler and Benson. They need your statement."

Bobby had forgotten about that. The last time he'd seen Stabler…He closed his eyes and swallowed hard at the memory. Even though he wished he could avoid them forever, he knew that he had to give them his statement. "Tomorrow, once I'm in the other room."

That made Jefferies smile. "Good, I'll let them know. Also, I'll make sure that Dr. Roberts is there, just in case."

Bobby nodded in agreement. That would be for the best. Once Jefferies left, he eased back into the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He was going to get bored very quickly now that he was being kept awake and not drugged into sleep all the time. And he'd been alone with his thoughts for far too long. He needed distractions. Reaching for the call button, he pressed it and waited.

It wasn't long before a nurse came in. "Everything okay, Mr. Goren."

Bobby nodded. "Uh, yeah, Miss…?"

"Call me Anne."

Bobby gave her a smile. "Anne, is that, uh…stubborn woman still out there?"

Anne rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "She tried to bribe me you know. Is she your crazy ex?"

"No." Bobby shook his head and laughed. It hurt to laugh. "She's my partner. I'm a cop."

Anne raised her brow. "You have a very dedicated partner. She's been camping out there every night, hoping you'll change your mind." He regarded him seriously. "I liked it better when I thought she was your crazy ex. Now, I feel sorry for her.

Bobby felt the guilt pull at his heart. He didn't need to know that. "You and me both," he mumbled to himself. "I, uh…need some things. Need to," he swallowed hard as his voice was breaking. It was getting harder to talk.

"I'll be right back." Anne left. Then a couple seconds later she was back with a pen and piece of paper. "Want do you need?"

Bobby motioned for her to give it to him. "I can…write."

Anne glanced over him and looked at his left hand. "With what?"

Bobby pulled the tray over with his right hand and tapped it. "I'll show you."

Anne wasn't looking impressed; she shook her head. "Men."

Bobby smirked as he took the pen in his right hand and started writing. It wasn't the best in the world, but he made it readable. "If I'm going to have to do this for a few months, might as well start now." After the list was completed, he handed it to her. "Tell Eam…Alex, tell her…Ask her," he corrected. "To get these for me."

"And if she does?" Anne gave him a warning look.

Bobby sighed and rubbed at his eyes as they started to hurt. "I'll, uh…let her in to see me….tomorrow."

Anne left with a satisfied smirk on her face.

Bobby shifted his focus to the ceiling again and wondered how he got stuck with another Eames for a nurse.

* * *

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Thursday, March 8, 2003_

_Approx. 7:16 PM_

Alex entered Bobby's apartment and stopped just inside the door. The last time she had been there was a month ago. She had spent a whole Saturday having the apartment cleaned and put back together. The bedroom was a lost, especially the bed. So she had a new one put in and there were even new carpet in there as well as in the living room. She had hoped that one day Bobby would be returning home, that he wasn't gone.

She closed the door behind her and went straight to his bedroom closet. He had an overnight bag that he used sometimes for work, just in case. Sometimes Bobby would bunk-out upstairs while working on tough cases when he knew that he wouldn't get much sleep; there was no point in going home on nights like that. The "crib" as they called it was closer to the office, only being separated from it by a few floors.

Taking the list out, she had to smile at the sloppy right-handed writing. Bobby was bound and determined to do everything all by himself. That thought eased her smile down to a frown. That kind of mentality was only going to hurt Bobby in the end. He was going to need help, whether he liked it or not.

He had been relentless in not letting anyone see him. She had to hold off the other detectives who wanted to come by the hospital and show their support because it wouldn't do any good. There was no point, but the detectives who had worked with Bobby wanted to show that he wasn't forgotten. They agreed that they'd throw Goren a welcome back party when he returned to work.

That had not only caused her grief but Deakins as well; they were both worried about the uncertainty of that. They didn't know if Bobby would be back to work. It all depended on his state of mind, and so far, it wasn't looking good. At least he'd started talking again.

When she had first heard what Bobby had done to that man, she was shocked. It was like hearing that her dad hit a woman, it wasn't plausible. Even though every thing was telling her that in the right situation and circumstances anything was possible. She wasn't a killer, but she had shot and killed a few men. No honorable cop ever wanted to, but they all knew it was a possibility and they accepted that fact.

Accepting that Bobby had mentally raped a man and turned his thoughts into mush was very disturbing, and not something that she could easily shake off. It was no wonder that Bobby had shut himself down afterwards. She knew how he could use the guilt card. He'd blame it all on himself and nothing on the circumstances. There were no excuses with Bobby Goren.

That was one of his many tactics; he would give excuses to suspected criminals, make them feel and think that he understood, and then use that to turn their fear and anger into a confession. But, in the end, he debunked the excuses he'd given. The only true excuse, he had told her once, was completely and truly not knowing and understanding what in the world you were doing.

Bobby had never blamed his mother for anything she did while she was in one of her delusions. Her mental illness was the excuse, and so she was not at fault. She absolutely did not know or understand.

Bobby, on the other hand, knew what he was doing. He knew that his words had power, and that he could manipulate a mind, twist emotions and thoughts and get inside people's heads. And he understood the dangers of doing so.

"_Are you ever afraid of doing that," she asked Bobby as he picked up the photos off the table._

_Bobby didn't look at her as he put the photos back into his trusty leather binder. "Uh, doing what?"_

"_Getting inside a person's head like that and manipulating them?" She had his full attention now. "I mean, don't you ever get scared that you might push someone too far, make someone go nuts?"_

"_Yeah," Bobby said with a tight nod. "Given the right personality and a weak mind to begin with…I could mentally rape someone, however intentionally or unintentionally." He tilted his head and eyed her. "I first thought about it when I was conducting my third interrogation after being mentored by Declan Gage; I was really making the suspect freak out and he was…starting to lose it. I ended the questioning prematurely and went up to Gage; I asked him almost the same questions, expressed my concerns, and we had a long talk about it. As long as I recognize and understand the dangers, the…uh, warning signs that I'm pushing too deep or to fast…I back off. And, you help me to do that."_

_She regarded him for a moment. "I help you?"_

_Bobby gave her a smile and started toward the door. "Yeah, I can get carried away sometimes, but then…I hear the tone in your voice or I, uh, see this look you give me and it lets me know to back off."_

"_And here I thought you were psychic." She followed him out of the interrogation room and down the hall. "So, we have this silent communication thing going on?"_

_Bobby stopped and looked down at her. "I guess we're officially partners now."_

"_Yeah, and it only took us nine months; looks like we gave birth to a beautiful yet weird partnership." _

_Bobby smirked as he tossed his binder on his desk. "Then, I say, let's go celebrate; I'll buy."_

Alex realized that she was in front of Bobby's bookshelf and it was intimidating her just looking at it. She glanced at the list again. There were no specific books mentioned, just that he wanted at least five of them. She was contemplating randomly pulling books off the shelves when a few caught her eye. They were new and had bookmarkers in them. If Bobby had been in the middle of reading those then he'd appreciate finally getting the chance to finish them.

Once she had everything on the list, Alex looked around the apartment one last time. Hopefully soon Bobby would make a home for himself again, and that part of it would be with her at Major Case. It was where he belonged after all.

* * *

_Room 122_

_Friday, March 9, 2003_

_Approx. 10:39 AM_

Bobby surveyed his new room and sighed in discomfort. It was a little better than the ICU room he'd been in, but it still wasn't appealing. Nothing in a hospital was appealing. Well, at least new nurse Jen was interesting to look at.

"You look like your dog got hit by a car."

He looked toward the door and watched as Dr. Roberts entered. Bobby reached for the remote to the television and flipped it on. "It's worse than that, Doc. This will be my home for the next week."

"No, it could be worse than that. It could be for the next month."

Bobby smirked. He was starting to like Dr. Roberts; even though the man was a shrink, he didn't act like it a lot of the time. Instead, Roberts chose to act like a friend with a smart mouth and teasing grin. That was probably the reason he was leaning toward opening up to the Doc instead of shutting him out. He had to admit, Roberts was good. "I suppose you're right. A week isn't that bad."

"What's this stuff," Roberts asked as he lifted a glass with what appeared to be milk but thicker.

Bobby took it from him and smelt it before he took a swallow. "It's for my throat; some…liquid medication. It coats the inside of my throat and helps heals the muscles. And, it doesn't hurt anymore when I talk."

Roberts smiled at that and sat down in the chair. "That's good. I've noticed you have a hard time keeping quiet."

Bobby shot him a glare but his lips betrayal his annoyance as they twitched upwards. He turned his attention back to the TV screen in time to catch the sports highlights. "Who won the Super Bowl?"

"Tampa Bay."

"Damn," Bobby winced. "I lost my bet with Eames."

Roberts laughed. "What'd you bet?"

Bobby smiled despite himself. "I'd pay her back for all the times _I _won a bet, which was always."

Roberts leaned closer to the bed. "You think highly of her."

"I do. She's…my partner."

"Did you think about her during your abduction?"

Bobby stilled as his eyes narrowed slightly. He didn't say anything as he continued to stare at the screen; the scores and highlights were miles from his vision. He could see the doctor nod out of the corner of his eye.

"You did. Next time, try to lie better. Your silence speaks louder than words."

Bobby fought down the sharp reply that played on the tip of his tongue as he finally looked at the doctor.

Roberts tried to ease the tension between them. "Bobby--"

Bobby's neck muscles flexed at the apologetic tone that seeped for the doctor's voice. Roberts wasn't the least bit sorry that he pissed him off. He shook his head and returned his unfocused attention back to the TV, giving the doctor the cold shoulder and deaf ear.

It was sometime later, after viewing a tedious documentary on mole rats that couldn't even interest him, that there was knock on the door. Bobby was expecting it to be Alex with the bag of stuff he'd asked for; instead, he caught sight of an uncertain Detective Stabler and a worried Detective Benson. He sighed and leaned back and closed his eyes. He'd forgotten about them. He wondered if he kept his eyes closed that they'd think he had fallen asleep.

"Detective Goren?" That was Benson's wary voice.

Hell, he had to face them sooner or later. Bobby opened his eyes to be staring at the ceiling. It was a familiar sight to him. The blankness of a ceiling always seemed to help him think easier. He heard Roberts introduce himself to the detectives before Benson addressed him again.

"Goren? Is he--"

"I'm fine," Bobby muttered as he closed his eyes once more before turning his attention to them. He shifted his position as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. If he was going to be forced into giving a statement, he wasn't going to do it lying down. "Detectives," he nodded his greeting to them both.

He watched as Benson took center stage while Stabler eased back and was heading out of the room. Bobby eyed Stabler's retreating form with interest before turning to Benson. "Uh, do you mind…" he gestured toward the door she just entered through. "I'd like…I mean, it'd be," he glanced at Stabler. "Would it be, okay, if Stabler…took my statement?"

Elliot stopped before he reached the door and turned back, confusion written all over his face. "Detective Benson is more than capable…"

Bobby waved him off. "I'm sure," he looked squarely at Benson. "I'm sure you are capable." He then eyed Stabler. "But, I'd like for you to do it." There was a hint of a challenge in his voice. He knew that Benson had her issues with him, but wasn't nearly as effected by them as Stabler was. Benson was concerned for him and she wouldn't push him.

Stabler, on the other hand, had hit him the last time they were in proximity of each other. Bobby wasn't sure if he had changed his mind or if he still held onto that anger. Stabler was cautious and had already made the decision that he wasn't wanted in the room. He was more interested in how Stabler would interview him than Benson, and he wanted to try to make amends if he could.

"Are you sure," Elliot asked as he stopped next to Olivia.

Bobby gave a curt nod.

Olivia looked reluctant to leave, but she did once Elliot said that it was okay. Once she was gone, Bobby shifted once more, trying to get comfortable before the harsh reality smacked him in the face.

Elliot took out a notepad and wrote on it before he addressed him. "Okay, whenever you're ready, Detective Goren."

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck as he thought that maybe telling Benson to leave was a bad idea; then he got down to the nitty-gritty. "I don't…remember what happened at the apartment."

"I don't need to hear about that. We've got security footage from your floor. How 'bout you start with what you do remember, from the beginning."

Bobby nodded as he tried to calm his nervous breathing. "I…uh, woke up, but I didn't open my eyes, thought the sun would…With the hangover…" He caught the nod from Stabler and continued. "At first I thought I was…on my floor, in the kitchen. I-it happened once before. When I was with Narcotics, a bad night turned into a really bad hangover and I ended up kissing my floor good morning."

Elliot and Roberts shared amused smiles. Elliot urged him on. "What happened after that?"

Bobby took a sip of the liquid medication and grimaced at the bitter taste. The cool thick liquid did wonders for his throat. He felt like he could talk for hours. "Uh, I realized I wasn't." He gave a soft smile and continued. He had to keep it light, pretend he was just talking out another case with Alex, except Alex wasn't there. "It was, cold. I had to get up, use the bathroom…I, uh…hit my head on something…." He shook his head as that initial fear and confusion startled him back to that first day when he awoke in Hell. "I, uh, opened my eyes to…darkness. Felt around…I-I was in a cage."

_His hands gripped the bars as the fear rushed over his body. He was trapped. There were bars all around him. The air around him grew thicker and he couldn't breathe._

"I panicked…"

_The music filled his ears and stopped all cognitive thought for the second time. His head rested against the bars as his head felt like it was going to implode. The kicking of the cage had stopped but the bars still felt like they were vibrating against his head. _

Bobby rubbed at his eyes. "I tried to bust down the d-door." He rubbed absently as his left shoulder that was still bandaged and throbbing slightly under his fingertips. "I never saw him." he simply stated. "Not until…"

"_You're nothing. Repeat it," he demanded._

_Tim's body shook in front of him, against the brick wall. "I'm nothing."_

"Bobby?"

Bobby's head jerked up at the sound of his name. He eyed Roberts closely as his mind slowly came back from his thoughts. "I'm fine." He took another sip of the liquid that soothed his throat. "Where was I?"

"You said that you never saw who had you." Elliot was now tentatively watching him with a concerned look spreading over his stern features.

Bobby only glanced at him before he looked at the floor. He realized for the first time that his hands had been relatively still the whole time. This wasn't like explaining a case to Alex; it was him giving the details of his captivity, of his abuse. There was no animated enthusiasm in that. No eagerness to get his ideas across or for him to fill in that missing piece that was missing. "Um," his voice was shaking as he tried to get his mind refocused on what he was supposed to be doing. "After a while, I knew…He was waiting. Tim was waiting." He looked up at Stabler. "Did Jared try to…uh, appeal?"

Elliot nodded. "His lawyer tried to get the Judge to drop the charges, saying that there was no evidence. The confession was solid so he didn't. And, they tried to get bail, which was denied."

Bobby nodded. "He, uh, Tim t-thought that…Jared; he was waiting, for Jared. Jared must have…He was probably certain that it'd work. That he'd get bail or walk. He told me that Jared Darsal was the one that, that he had taken me because Jared _told_ him to. That Jared was getting his payback."

"So, Mr. Landy implicated Mr. Darsal as the one who ordered your abduction. What about the murder of Detective Rebecca Davis?"

Bobby raised his head toward Stabler; confusion and fear filled his eyes. "S-she's…He killed her?"

Elliot nervously looked at Roberts before he nodded. "I thought you knew."

"I…" Bobby rubbed at the back of his head and sighed. "I suspected."

"Mr. Landy didn't tell you?"

"_I killed her! Why is that so hard for you to believe! I raped her!"_

"_You two even beg the same."_

Bobby shook his head vigorously. "Tim thought….Oh, God, he thought she was Eames. Jared wanted him to…k-kill Eames." Those words tasted like acid in his mouth as he said them.

Elliot's features turned cold as he said that. It took him a moment to recover; and thankfully, he changed the subject. "So, Mr. Landy didn't do anything to you at first? He was waiting for Jared before he continued?"

Bobby nodded his head. "Yeah, he didn't do anything serious. I attacked him, when he opened the cage the first time. That's when…" he rubbed at his throat. "I got shocked. But, he…It wasn't, I mean, I provoked him." He was silent for a moment as his mind jumped to some distant time after that. "Then…" his voice faltered as he tried to get the sudden ache in his lungs to ease. He felt the panic starting to take over and he closed his eyes. What he saw in his mind's eye made them spring open. "Then, u-uh," he heard his voice tremble. "Tim got word that Jared wasn't coming."

"_He's going to get life because of you," the man snarled in his ear. _

"_You actually felt something for that slut?"_

"_I'm going to make you squeal."_

Bobby covered his face in his hands and tried to will the sound of Tim's voice away as his emotions started to boil over. Mentally, he threw up a wall and put the growing, unorganized mixed array of emotions at bay. "That's w-when it first happened."

"What? Uh, what first happened?"

Bobby rested his tired blurred eyes on the opposite wall. "The rape." He swallowed hard. "And the abuse. It…went on, after that. I…I'm not sure if it was every day, or what. Time, meant nothing. There was no time, fucking…twilight zone."

Elliot chuckled and finished taking notes. "Okay, Goren. That's all that we need." He extended a hand.

Bobby gave the hand a cautious glance before he shook it and eyed Stabler. He nodded. "Thanks." That handshake seemed like a small victory, but a victory none-the-less. He watched as Stabler left then turned to Roberts. "When is Mr. Landy being transferred?"

Roberts was taken back by the sudden question. "Monday, why?"

Bobby nodded as he shifted onto the bed and rested his head on the pillow. "Just curious."

* * *

_Room 122_

_Friday, March 9, 2003_

_Approx. 5:43 PM_

When Alex walked into the room, her heart nearly plummeted into his stomach. The bed was empty. She turned and looked toward the bathroom; the door was closed. From behind the door she could hear watering running. "Bobby?" She knocked on the door.

The water stopped and there was silence on the other side of the door.

"Bobby," she asked again.

"Eames?" Bobby's voice was soft and questioning; like he didn't know for sure if it was really her or not.

"Yeah, I got your bag here."

There was a moment of silence before he said, "Uh, put it by the door."

Alex did so and backed away. She knew that Bobby liked his privacy and to be in charge of it; he would come out of there as soon as he felt comfortable enough to. "It's by the door." The door slowly opened and all Alex could see was his arm coming out to grab the bag before it closed again.

"Thanks."

Alex sat down on the edge of the bed and eyed the door. "You're welcome. It's the least I could do."

Bobby didn't answer her; instead she heard the water turn back on.

Alex sighed in frustration and lay back on the bed. She'd finally got to see Bobby and he hides in the bathroom. Typical. "You know, you could spend the whole day in there and I'll still be out here waiting."

Even over the sound of running water she could hear his tentative question. "Why?"

Alex sat up on the bed and stared out the door like he could see her disbelief. "I'm your partner, Goren. Remember?"

"I'm not…easy to look at."

Alex thought that over for a second before shaking her head. "Bobby, you could have grown two heads and I'll still want to see you."

The door to the bathroom slightly opened and the bag dropped back to the floor. "Two heads? What have you been watching?"

Alex smiled as she heard the teasing in his voice. She'd missed that. "I've missed you."

The door stopped before it was closed completely. "I've missed…hearing your voice," Bobby softly said before the door shut again.

Alex didn't know how to take that last comment. She missed him, and he missed her voice? Was that his way of agreeing with her? Rolling her eyes at his as always ambiguous meanings, she got up off the bed and opened the bag. Taking the books out she said, "I didn't really know which books to bring."

"They're perfect. I would have taken anything. It gets…I can only take so much TV."

"I even picked you up a crossword puzzle book. It'd help your penmanship," Alex teased as she sat the books down on the tray table and took in the room. It was decent, with a couch along the far wall by the window, a desk and nightstand, and a television; the walls were a dark pinkish color; they weren't horrible looking if you were a visitor.

The door to the bathroom slowly opened and Alex found that she was holding her breath as Bobby slowly stepped out. He held his head down but she could tell that the bones in his face were more defined, giving him a chiseled look. The skin was pale, almost ghostly white; he reached up and rubbed at his newly shaven face. As his fingers worked over his jaw, she realized they seemed longer, thinner.

"It's not as bad as I thought." Bobby dropped a few items back in the bag; his razor, toothbrush, and deodorant. He had put on a pair of black sweat pants that were loosely hanging off his hips and a button-down flannel was under the backwards hospital gown that seemed to swallow his body. The gown looked more like a horrible looking robe.

"It's not?"

Bobby shook his head. "I thought that I'd been reduced to nothing. I only felt that way from the lack of energy, exercise, and food. It's not as bad," he repeated. "I still have…muscle tone. I haven't been this thin since I was seventeen, before the Army."

When he finally lifted his head and looked at her, Alex caught her breath. His eyes seemed to have been hallowed out, and they were dark and timid. Bobby ducked his head again and shuffled over to the bed.

Alex went to reach out for him when he stiffened and backed away. Bobby caught her eyes; they were stern and pleading as he shook his head slightly. She let her arms drop and moved aside to let him get into bed. "When's your surgery?"

Bobby climbed into bed and looked up at the ceiling. "Knee surgery's tomorrow. My hand…" he stared at his left hand. "I have one more operation to go before I can start physiotherapy."

Alex sat down in the chair beside the bed and nodded. She didn't know what else to say. There were so many questions she wanted answered, and so many things she wanted to tell him since he went missing; now that he was there in front of her, she forgot them all. As she watched him glare intently at the ceiling, she could only think about things that he wanted to know. "Is there anything else you need or want to know?"

Bobby was silent for a long moment before he asked, "How's my mom? Has…has anyone even…"

Alex leaned forward and tried to make her voice as calming as possible. "She's doing better. Deakins let the hospital know, they informed her. She…was upset at first, confused, but she seems okay now, worried but okay. Deakins called first thing when he knew that you were going to be all right."

Bobby nodded as he swallowed hard. "How're you?"

Alex wanted to smile but she couldn't. The way he asked it was so far off and distant that she wasn't sure if he actually cared to know the answer to it. "I'm not the one in the hospital."

Bobby's eyes narrowed at the ceiling at her sharp tone. "How's work?"

Alex sighed in frustration. He was going to dance his way around all the hard stuff. "Work. Bobby--"

"Got a new partner?"

Alex felt the well of anger and confusion as she heard the accusing tone in his voice. "Deakins set me up with a temp partner."

"Is he…she, any good?"

"He's not you."

Bobby nodded before he softly responded, "That's…good." His voice was starting to tremble.

Alex's anger was replaced with worry as she watched his eyes cloud over. "Bobby?"

"Need…to leave," Bobby told her as the trembling got worse.

The monitors began to beep rapidly as his breathing quickened. "I'm not…" Alex trialed off as his eyes rolled back in his head as his body began to spasm. "Bobby!" She watched as his chest struggled with deep gasps of air. She hit the call button until a nurse ran into the room. "What's happening?"

The nurse moved her aside to get a better look. "He's convulsing."

"What? Why?"

"He's having a panic attack," a male voice came from behind them.

Alex turned her head to see Dr. Jefferies rounding the bed. "Panic attack?"

Dr. Jefferies pulled out a needle and stuck it into Bobby's IV. "They're frequent. At least once a day, he works himself up into one."

Alex watched as Bobby's shaking eased and his breathing grew steady. "Is he okay? Will they continue?"

Dr. Jefferies was shaking his head. "I'm not sure. If they do, he'd be prescribed medication, but…I don't think they will. He's dealing with a lot, not only physically but mentally and emotionally."

Alex was nodding. She knew that, but for some reason she always thought that Bobby could deal with anything and be okay. That he knew way too much about psychology and human behavior to keep himself from slipping into the disturbed depths of it all. That he could protect himself from being a victim to the weakness that plagued man-kind.

It startled her to be witnessing first hand that she was wrong.

* * *

_Psychiatric Ward_

_Friday, March 9, 2003_

_Approx. 9:41 PM_

The ward was nearly silent. The nurses were busying down the hall, looking in a several patients who were crying out. Bobby glanced around the open room, looking at the occupied beds. This wasn't anything like Carmel Ridge; the patients here weren't permanent residence, they were just there until they were transferred to an institution or until a family member came and got them. Some were homeless with no place else to go except back to the street once their treatment was done.

His eyes fell on a man resting against the far wall with his legs pulled up to his chest. He slowly made his way over to the man and as he got closer the knot in his stomach twisted. It was Tim. Glancing over Tim's trembling body, Bobby dropped his cane and fell to his knees. Tim was mumbling to himself, words that he'd implanted into his head. The words made his stomach lurch. "God…What have I done?"

Tim seemed to freeze at the sound of his voice; somehow, he seemed to shrink further back into the wall.

Bobby didn't dare reach out even though he wanted to. He didn't want to scare Tim anymore than he already had by talking. But if he was going to try and bring Tim back to reality, he had to say something. "Hey, it's okay," he whispered. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Not going to hurt you," Tim repeated. "No thoughts….no thoughts."

Bobby closed his eyes and tried to will the tears down. He'd completely destroyed this man. Took everything away from him…How could he? What right did he have to do such a thing? Opening his eyes, the tears slid down his face as he listened to Tim's ramblings.

"Nothing…nothing…I'm nothing…No, n-no thoughts…"

"You're not nothing, Tim," Bobby heard himself say. "Listen to me." He took a hold of Tim's hand and leaned closer, getting right in front of his line of sight. "Listen, Tim. You're a man," his voice was breaking as Tim seemed to look right through him, not seeing him at all. "You're a person. You can think."

Tim's was shaking his head. "…n-nothing…"

Bobby swallowed hard around the lump in his throat and shook his head. "Your name is Tim…Landy. Say it."

Tim didn't say anything. Even his ramblings stopped.

"Tim. Say it," Bobby nearly pleaded. "Say, 'my name is Tim Landy'." He suddenly heard movement behind him, but he couldn't shift his eyes and focus off Tim.

"Bobby," Dr. Jefferies spoke behind him. "You're not allowed in here."

Bobby didn't pay any attention to the man behind him. "Your name is Tim Landy," he spoke softly to the man in front of him. "Tim, I need to hear you say it." A hand landed on his right shoulder but he still didn't move.

"Bobby, it's time to go." Dr. Roberts was now in front of him, blocking him from Tim's line of sight.

Bobby shook his head furiously. "I have to--"

"If you don't leave right now, quietly, we will forcibly remove you."

Bobby stared up at the doctor, his jaw flexed as his eyes raged. "You don't understand." He was suddenly grabbed from behind and lifted to his feet. He tried to get out of the hold but the orderlies were too strong. "No! Let go of me." He was being pulled back, across the floor and toward the door. "Tim!" He turned back to the man he was being dragged away from. "Your name is Tim Landy! You hear me!" He pleaded to the man. "Your name is Tim Landy!" He continued to struggle with the men until he was being pushed through the doors and out of the ward.

Once out into the hallway, Bobby shoved the orderlies away from him. He stumbled back against the wall; his chest heaved as his throat throbbed in pain from yelling. Both Dr. Roberts and Jefferies were in front of him, staring at him with displeased expressions. Bobby grabbed his cane from Jefferies as he pushed himself off the wall and headed back toward the elevators.

"Bobby." Dr. Roberts was coming up behind him. "What in the hell were you doing in there?"

Bobby ignored the doctor as he hit the 'up' button and waited.

"Do you realize how much damage you could have—"

Bobby wheeled around and glared at the doctor. "Damage? I was trying to help him!"

"Help? Just the sound of your voice could have repressed him even more."

"Maybe it's my voice he needs to hear to bring him back! I'm the one that did that to him. I know what I said. You don't!" The silence that followed sent a shiver down his spine. Bobby glanced back and forth between the two doctors. Rubbing his head, he tried to calm his anger. Exploding at them wasn't going to help matters. "Sorry, but…You know that I could be right. If I'm able to talk to him, reverse the things I said, then maybe…"

Roberts was nodding. "Maybe he'd come back." He took a breath and motioned toward the elevator. "Come on."

Bobby didn't speak again until they were heading toward his room. "Do you think it might work?"

Roberts glanced at him and frowned. "It might, but it needs to wait until Mr. Landy is at Seaview and after he's been properly evaluated. And if his doctor agrees, and his family doesn't protest the idea of you talking to him…" he trailed off and left it at that.

Bobby knew he was right. Tim's family could sue or something if they found out the man who had turned Tim into a mindless drone was talking to him. "Maybe I should talk to his family, explain it to them." He stared at the bed he'd been confined to and groaned. He sat on the edge of it and eyed Roberts. "I have to do it, even if they don't agree…I have to. If I'm not allowed to at least try…" He sighed and rubbed his face. "Has he ever reacted or…responded in any way before?"

"No. It's like he doesn't hear us when we speak to him, even when we say his name."

Bobby nodded. "He responded to me."

"Yeah, but we don't know if it was good or bad. He could have been withdrawing."

"He, uh…turned his head toward me, he repeated what I said to him, and he stopped rambling. It was like…He was trying to listen." Bobby glanced up and the doctors before staring back at the floor. "It's a response." His hands were emphasizing his points as he explained. "Whether good or bad…It was a response. If I can get him to maybe…say his name, or for him to acknowledge who he is, even if it's just mindless repetition it could…" He sighed in frustration and closed his eyes. He was getting too tired to think clearly. "It could spark something."

"Like what?"

Bobby glanced up at Jefferies and shrugged. "I don't know. A feeling, a thought, a-a memory, a sense of hope…uh, something, anything to let him know, even if it's on an unconscious level, that's he's still a person and that he can come back."

Roberts was actually giving him a smile as he nodded. "I must admit that your understanding of the mind is not only surprising, but frightening; I bet you drive your department shrinks crazy."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "Only when they deserve it."

"I actually think that you're onto something. For the sake of Mr. Landy's psyche, I hope his family doesn't ban you from trying to talk to him."

Bobby felt himself smile a little. "Thanks."

"Now, I need you to promise us something."

Bobby stared innocently up at Roberts.

"That you don't try and visit Mr. Landy again until you're both out of this hospital, and after you've been declared mentally sound."

"I am mentally sound," Bobby protested.

Robert's raised a brow. "Really? 'Cause according to my report, you're not close to being a hundred percent."

Bobby smiled up at him. "According to everyone's report, I've never been close to being declared a hundred percent sane. I'm unstable, insubordinate, arrogant..."

"Hopefully, when I'm done with you, you'll just be two of those three things."

Bobby eyed the doctor seriously before asking, "You're going to make me…modest? You know Doc, I actually like being arrogant, it annoys the other detectives and it keeps them away from me." He smirked when Roberts playfully slapped him on the shoulder with his clipboard. "Ouch; isn't that called, uh, 'Psychiatrist brutality'?"

"You're lucky I don't mind putting up with you, Goren."

Bobby smiled smugly. "Now you're sounding like Eames."

"Okay," Jefferies spoke up. "Enough." He was sounding angry. "I don't care what you thought, you left here without informing anyone of your whereabouts, you snuck into a restricted area, and you tried to walk on your damaged knee!"

"I used the cane you gave me." Bobby held up the cane.

Jefferies snatched it away. "I don't care; this is for after the surgery. You could have caused more tearing."

"I've been walking on it for two months! _That_ caused tearing. I barely put weight on it with the cane," Bobby protested. "And I didn't sneak in…It's just…no one was around to see me. As for walking around and not telling you, I didn't think I had to. This is a hospital, not a prison!"

"Bobby--"

"No!" Bobby pointed at Jefferies. "I haven't been able to do anything on my own for almost three months. And I sure as hell haven't been able to walk freely or make decisions…" he glanced at Roberts then back at Jefferies. "I'm not going to ask permission to go for a walk. I'll let the nurse know when I leave, but you can't make me…_ask_ like I'm some animal that needs…._permission_." His restless hands finally stopped moving as he stared up at Jefferies who was staring right back at him.

Jefferies went to speak when Roberts interrupted him.

"Let's go out in the hall," Roberts said as he gestured for Jefferies to follow him.

Bobby watched as they both left and sighed in defeat. He'd let Roberts hear too much too soon about what was going through his mind, but he didn't care. He couldn't, wouldn't ask for permission to do something as simple as taking a walk.

It wasn't long before Jefferies and Roberts came back into the room. Jefferies was looking stern and Roberts was eyeing him closely. Bobby leveled Jefferies with a stare and waited.

"All right, you will check in with the nurse when you leave and when you return. And if you leave this floor, you'll check in at a nurse's station on whichever floor you're on. If you're gone for more than an hour, I'll send someone after you. Are we clear?"

"Yeah." Bobby nodded as he shifted his position on the bed to lie down. "Thanks."

Jefferies put the cane back by his bed and gave him one last look before leaving.

Roberts was still watching him. "I want to talk to you about…what you just told Jefferies."

Bobby glanced up at him through half-closed eyelids. "Can it wait?"

Roberts nodded then left the room.

He wanted to stay up a little longer; read one of the books Alex brought from his apartment or do a crossword puzzle, but the events of the day were taking there toll and he was drifting.

Before Bobby realized it, he was asleep.

TBC….

Again, thanks for reading! I hope you continue to review!


	7. Nothing normal about Goren

**A/N: **What a busy two weeks; sorry it took me long to update, but with the new L&O:CI episodes and a burst of creativity, I was tackling a number of different things at once: a couple of new CI youtube videos, chapters for this story, and a few chapters for another CI story I'm in the midst of writing. So, yeah, fun couple of weeks.

**A/N cont.:** I also wanted to thank all the people who've reviewed so far! The comments I receive are aspiring and always appreciated. Again, thank you all for taking the time out to let me know what you really think; and I'll try return the generosity.

* * *

**Ch. 7**

_St. Anthony's Mercy Hospital_

_Tuesday, March 13, 2003_

_Approx. 6:50 AM_

Alex was dead tired; she rested back against the uncomfortably bad chair and nursed the cup of coffee in her hands. She worked a double on a murder case and hadn't been able to see Bobby before his surgery yesterday. Her head was pounding from the lack of sleep she gotten the night before; she should have stayed in bed but she was determined to at least hear some news about Bobby before she went into work that morning.

The hospital wasn't too far out of her way that she couldn't get to work on time; taking a glance at her watch she realized it was going on seven. She'd have to leave in thirty minutes if she had any chance at getting to Manhattan by eight.

_Where is he? _

Alex looked around the lobby and sighed in frustration. The nurse had paged Dr. Jefferies nearly ten minutes ago. He could have been in surgery, but if he was why didn't the nurse tell her that?

"Excuse me, Ms. Eames?"

Alex looked up; a wave of disappointment filled her when she realized that it wasn't Dr. Jefferies. "Yes; and its Alex."

The doctor smiled and sat down across from her. "I'm Dr. Roberts, the hospital's Psychiatrist." He offered his hand to her.

Alex stilled as he introduced himself. He was Bobby's shrink. Tentatively she shook his hand. "How's Bobby doing?"

Roberts eased forward in the chair, sitting on the edge of it. "He's doing well. The surgery went smoothly. He's on bed rest right now; he slept most of yesterday."

Alex relaxed and took a sip of the coffee to help wake her up. "Will he be able to walk on it soon? I don't think he'd appreciate a wheelchair."

Roberts chuckled and shook his head. "No, he wouldn't. Dr. Jefferies gave him a cane to use and he's been going just fine with it. We tried to talk him into a wheelchair, at least for a couple of days, but…" he smiled over at her. "Well, you know how he is."

"A stubborn mule." Alex smirked and finally felt her nerves ease with the playful way Roberts was talking about Bobby. "So, you're his shrink. You're not bad-mouthing him yet or running away screaming."

Roberts laughed and leaned back in the chair. "He's…unusual, I give him that, but I've dealt with worse. We haven't officially had a session yet."

"Oh, I spoke too soon," she teased. Alex took a moment to look him over before admitting, "I give you two sessions before you lose your nerve with him."

"Nah, I'll at least last five." Roberts regarded her serious suddenly and leaned forward again. "Tell me…what's the best way to approach him?"

Alex sighed and rubbed at her head. "I want to help him, but I'm not sure if I'm the right person--"

"You're his partner. You probably know him better than anyone." Roberts took a hold of her hand and leveled her with his eyes. "He's struggling, Alex. In every way imaginable he's struggling, but he needs someone to do the things he can't like telling me about himself. I'm not asking for intimate, personal details. All I'm asking for are some basic facts, something for me to go on as his doctor. I know he's incredibly intelligent and can talk me under the table about psychology. So, for me to be able to do my job, I need to know what to expect and how to go about talking to him."

Alex stared at his hand on hers and sighed heavily. She hoped Bobby wouldn't be too upset with what she was about to tell his shrink. "Don't beat around the bush with him." She eyed the doctor before continuing. "Your typical tactics aren't going to work. He knows exactly what you're going to say before you say it and he'll know exactly what you want to hear to make you think he's fine." She took a long drink from the coffee hoping it would not only relieve her dry throat but her quaking heart. "We worked a case a while ago, a girl was kidnapped along with her family but she was the only one raped."

Roberts grimaced but kept his attention focused on her.

"She wouldn't talk to anyone; she was the only one that could identify the man who did it. _I _tried the typical approach, told her what I thought she wanted to hear. Bobby, he…told her what she _needed_ to hear. She had Stockholm Syndrome and he started off by telling her what she was fearing, that she was identifying with her attacker. But then, he turned it on her and told her the truth: she was strong and not the person she was afraid of. It was…amazing, he got her to open up and in the end helped her. He succeeded where even the doctors failed."

Roberts nodded. "You're right; I would have taken your approach and I would have failed the girl too. What, uh…about your partnership? What're the dynamics like?"

Alex smiled as she felt the tears on her face. She reached up and wiped them away as she tried to steady her emotions. "Intense," she smiled at the memories of her partner that flooded her mind. "I'm senior partner but I let him take the reins most of the time. It took us a while to figure out our way of working together. Most partnerships you just accept that you're both cops and you know how the game works. With Bobby, he changed the game. Before, with past partners, we showed up to interview a witness, we flashed our badges, asked the normal questions, and then we left."

"And I'm guessing Bobby didn't have the typical, _normal _cop questions?"

Alex chuckled as she leaned back in the chair. "There's nothing normal about Goren when he's on the job."

"You use each others last names?"

"Always," Alex said with a nod. "It's professional and Bobby likes to keep a certain distance. Plus, he wanted to show everyone that he respected me even when it seemed at times he was going over my head or disrespecting my judgment."

"Has he ever done that? Disrespect you?"

"Never," was her quick reply. Alex was growing tense again at the direction of the conversation. "He disagreed with me on some occasions, I disagreed with him, we've butted heads, and we've even stopped talking to each other for a day, but…never did it feel like he was disrespecting me or my position. At first before we found our solid ground it did. I was furious with him more than any other officer I've ever met. And I didn't understand his logic or where he was coming from. He wouldn't talk to me about his thought process or inform me of anything personal."

"But then that changed? He started letting you in?"

Alex shook her head as she finished off her coffee. "Not with me. It was a part of his interrogation and interview technique. He would use his life experiences to make the suspect or witness identify with him. I tried to ask him myself, but he always gave a vague answer or didn't answer at all. He has problems with trust and that was what was holding us back in the beginning. I couldn't trust him and he wasn't showing his trust in me. Hence the butting heads. We rammed into each other so often I'm surprised Captain Deakins didn't split us up himself."

Roberts smiled. "What about after that trust was gained?"

"Then, everything changed. He still would only let bits and pieces of himself out, and it was usually during interviews, but sometimes he would tell me things himself."

"Was it always during a case? Or did you two hung-out after work and talk?"

Alex shook her head. "Never after work; that was when we would separate, go on with our private lives. It wasn't until we felt more comfortable with each other that he started taking me out for a drink after work. Our talks would be about work or about stuff that he already disclosed about himself. He wouldn't go into great detail; to this day he still calls me 'Eames' even off the clock."

"He likes distance then. He never gets in too close with anyone," Roberts said in more of a statement of fact than questions.

Alex just nodded to that. "He has his reasons. Reasons I'm not going to tell you." She leveled him seriously with her eyes. If Bobby wanted Roberts to know anything personal, he'd tell him himself.

Roberts held up his hands. "I understand. I'm not looking for specifics, just a starting ground."

"He won't let you get to him." Alex didn't know where that came from, but she wanted to get the subject back on track, away from their partnership. "No matter what you say to him during your sessions, no matter how much you think you know about him and can control the situation, he'll take it out of your hands. Once he figures out you're on to him, he'll back off so fast the walls will be up before you knew what hit you."

"You know this from experience."

Alex gave an indifferent shrug. "He tries with me. I can get in so close before he closes off. It's like a guessing game with him sometimes."

Roberts nodded in understanding as he eyed her. "You're the only one he even lets in that far. You know it? A man like Bobby, a gift like that is something special. He must really trust you."

Alex felt the well of tears sting her eyes as Roberts blurred in front of her. "We're just partners."

Roberts looked like he wanted to say something but he shook his head. It took him a moment to regain himself. "He thought about you, you know," he suddenly told her.

Alex held up her hands. "Dr. Roberts, I know you want to help me as well as Bobby, but he won't appreciate this. He'll want to tell me himself."

"That's just it," Roberts stressed. "He'll never tell you."

Alex eyed him for a long moment. "He may not come right out and say it, but…he'll let me know. In his own Goren way, he'll talk to me." She nodded in satisfaction that she knew what she was talking about.

After Roberts got up and left, Alex prayed that she had been right in talking with Roberts. She figured she'd find out soon enough.

* * *

_Doctor Roberts's Office_

_Thursday, March 15, 2003_

_Approx. 2:00 PM_

Roberts smiled over at him when he entered the room. He was quickly on his feet and offered his hand. "Bobby."

Bobby shook his hand but didn't return the greeting. He was dreading this appointment ever since Roberts told him about it three days ago.

"How's the leg?"

Bobby shrugged and tapped his leg with the cane. "Sore, but…manageable."

Roberts returned to his seat as he kept an eye on him. "You can sit down."

Bobby eyed the chair. With his right leg throbbing, he should sit, but he was too nervous and eager to get the session over with that he couldn't stay still. He ignored the chair and let Roberts know his offer was ignored as well as he ventured across the office and stopped in front of the bookshelf. Giving the titles a once over, he looked over at Roberts as he pointed at the books. "You don't have a single book about psychiatric medication."

Roberts took a glance at the books before nodding. "That's right."

"But you're a Psychiatrist…You, uh, don't believe in medication?"

Roberts leaned back in his chair, seemingly unfazed that he was the one being questioned. "Not when other means are suitable and in some cases more beneficial. If I prescribe someone medication, it's only when it serves in the best interest of that person."

"Not client?"

Roberts smiled up at him. "I don't have clients."

Bobby turned away from the bookshelf and eased his way over to the desk. "You prefer names, being personal."

"I prefer being a friend, yes." Roberts sat a little straighter in the chair. "But it also depends on the person I'm dealing with. Everyone's different, like you. You don't need me to tell you wants wrong with you, you already know. However, because you do know, you're blinded to helping yourself. Even shrinks need a shrink."

Bobby stopped at the side of the chair and leaned against it, taking the weight off his cane and onto his left leg. "I'm not…_blinded_. And you're right; I don't need you to tell me what's wrong."

Roberts raised a brow and said sternly, "Prove it."

Bobby shifted uncomfortably in his stance. He didn't know if he wanted to play this game with Roberts, but he couldn't help the itch of trying to see just how good Roberts really was. "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder."

"Try harder."

Bobby sighed and rubbed at his jaw. "I'm, uh, Schizophrenic and all this has been a delusion. You're not even real."

Roberts chuckled and shook his head. "Funny. Now, can you be serious."

Bobby smirked and grabbed hold of the side of the chair and sat down. He twisted his cane around in his hand as he glanced at the name plate on the desk. 'Dr. Stuart Roberts M.D.'. He then leveled his gaze at the floor. "Solitary confinement."

"Now we're getting somewhere. Solitary confinement can cause a psychiatric syndrome that is--"

"--associated with agitation, self-destructive behavior, and overt psychotic disorganization. I know the facts, Doc." Bobby sighed and leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling.

"All right, hotshot. Let's go over the symptoms, one-by-one, but you have to give an example from when you were abducted. Use your experiences, okay?"

Bobby didn't respond. He was feeling the swirling of thoughts and emotions slamming into his mind like tidal waves on the beach. If he didn't cool his adrenaline now, he was going to have another outburst.

"Hyper-responses to external stimulus."

Bobby blinked back and looked over at Roberts. "Well, since I was in a room with no light and little noise…I'm sensitive to loud noises. I could hear, while in the ICU room, I could hear the water dripping in the bathroom…It was driving me so crazy my jaw would twitch."

Roberts nodded as he wrote that down. "It's common; that'll go away soon once you get used to your environment again. And panic attacks, I know you have them."

"They're less frequent," Bobby corrected. "Jefferies thinks they'll be gone soon."

"Okay, so…How about difficulty in concentration and memory?"

"My memory's fine." Bobby shook his head against the back of the chair. That seemed to be his saving grace while in that hell.

Roberts was eyeing him. "Just certain memories or all of them?"

Bobby closed his eyes and sighed. He decided to skip the question entirely. "I had problems with concentrating. My thoughts would scatter, jump from one thing to another…It'd take me longer sometimes to remember who I once was…but, I'm fine now. It's not a problem. I-I know who I am."

"Are you sure about that? When you blew up at Dr. Jefferies, it was over asking permission, being treated like an animal. Do you still think of yourself as being back there? Do you feel it around you?"

It was getting hard for him to stay still. Bobby felt the anger flush his face as his hands clenched. He was losing his control, his sense of self. It was slipping from him the more he let Roberts take over the conversation. He sat up in the chair and stared at Roberts. "All of it; okay. I experienced every damn symptom while I was locked in that cage. Overt paranoia…"

_He stared out into the darkness of the room as his eyes searched frantically around. The man was there, wasn't he? He was there somewhere, sitting, watching him, and waiting for him to make a move; waiting for him to try and do something or to say something that he could mock. _

_The water the man had given him had to have been poisoned or drugged. He'd been hearing things all day, or night. He didn't know. Twilight zone shit; spaced out zone. Somewhere between time and day and space and night and he didn't know anything except that asshole was out there, watching him through fucking goggles and taunting him._

"And," Bobby continued, "the emergence of primitive aggression?"

_He felt an icy numbness run through his body as an animalistic rage reared, taking control of every part of his body and soul. He heard a terrifying noise that shook him to his bones. It was primal and instinctive, and it was coming from his throat. "You bastard!" He lunged back, trying to break loose of the ropes as the anger in him flared. "I'm going to fucking kill you!"_

_He heard his voice, but he couldn't believe the viciousness that flowed through it. That primal voice was back and whoever was talking, it wasn't him. Bobby was gone and the raging beast that was underneath spilled out._

Bobby eased closer to the desk and leaned half-way across it. "Problems with impulse control."

_Despite the warning, instinct kicked in as soon as he heard the door open. He charged forward, slamming into the rock-hard body in front of him. His body landed on the man, causing him to grunt in pain. Without being able to see, he took a swing in the direction of the man's face only for his knuckles to crack into the goggles._

_That should have been the end of it, but he was raging underneath. He felt the overpowering urge to destroy the man that had not only held him captive, who had raped and tortured him, but who had killed Alex._

"And lastly: perceptual distortions, illusions, and hallucinations."

"_Bobby?"_

_He swung his head around toward the sound. His heart was pounding out the sound of his name. It had been so long since he heard it that he almost forgot what it was. "Hello?"_

"_Bobby."_

_The voice came from the right, he turned and started at what he knew was the brick wall. Where was the voice coming from? It was a woman's voice. He gripped the cage bars as he tried to search the dark room. A fear gnawed at his stomach and worked its way up his chest. _

"_I'd be okay, Bobby." The voice said again; it was calming and reassuring. It sounded like Alex's voice._

"_Who's there," he screamed out into the room. The fear filled his head causing it to pound. There was nobody there. He was hearing things. His hand gripped the bars tighter as he started to tremble. He was losing it. The darkness, panic, and paranoia were getting to him. First, he hears voices then next…what? Seeing people? Will he wake up one day and swear that Alex was physically in the room with him?_

Bobby glared at the Roberts. "Does that satisfy the criteria?"

Roberts stared at him in a mixture of emotions, one of which was agitation and that was what spilled from his thick voice as he said, "And all this, wrapped up into one and extending over a long period of time is reason for your behavior, your anger, and your eventual attack on Mr. Landy."

"Don't make excuses for me," Bobby snapped.

"It's not an excuse. It's a fact. You lost it in there. And you let that primitive aggression and that inability to control your impulses consume you and you attacked your abuser in the only way you knew how: by using your words to manipulate his mind."

Bobby gripped the arms of the chair as his anger was spurring in him again. "I didn't attack him for my own…selfish _needs_."

Roberts was confused for a moment before he asked, "Then who was it for?"

Bobby froze and was honestly taken back by his own admission, and the connection Roberts made to it.

"During your hallucinations," Roberts inquired further, "who was it that you saw or heard? In your memories, who kept you grounded? It was her, wasn't it? Your partn--"

Bobby swung his cane around and pounded it onto the desk sending the name plate tumbling to the floor. He glared at the doctor as his breathing quickened. "Leave her out of it."

"What'd she do for you, Bobby? She helped you. And look at how you're re-paying her. You've only seen her once since you've been here."

Bobby lunched himself out of the chair and pounded the desk again, this time with his balled fists. "I'm warning you," his voice shook as those words seethed out of his mouth. "Back off."

"I've been told you're not a violent man." Roberts held his glare. "Is this another loss of impulse control? Or…is this something primitive?"

Bobby's jaw clenched as he leaned closer to the doctor. "You've never seen me pushed into a corner or provoked so you have no idea how violent I can be…And I'm running out of words, Doc."

"How am I provoking you exactly? If Alex helped you, why are you so furious about it?"

Bobby needed to regain his stability; his hands were starting to shake against the desk. "Therapists aren't supposed to provoke." He tried to turn the attention back onto Roberts.

"Maybe, but like I said, it depends on the person. There are times when I take it slow, let it take months to get to this point, but do I seriously need to do that here, with you. You're smarter than that, than all of this."

"But you're failing! You haven't established anything here with me. Not trust, not a sense of comfort or familiarity. You've jumped the gun," Bobby fired back at Roberts. "And look what happened? Instead of helping me, you royally fucked it up! Nice going, _Doctor_, you've just lost every ounce of trust or friendship you gained from me."

Roberts face was flushed as he tried to control his own anger. "Bobby, just relax--"

"What?" Bobby was inches from his face. "Am I taking your control away from you? Guess what, you never had it to begin with."

"Goren--"

"You're back on last name basis, Roberts? Huh? Pretty soon am I just going to be another _client_?" Bobby straightened and headed toward the door.

"Goren…Bobby!"

Bobby opened the door and turned back to Roberts. "Our sessions are over."

The door slammed behind him as he stalked down the hall toward the elevators. He pressed the 'up' button and waited for the doors to open. As he stared at the metallic doors that slid open, he backed away as he saw it was full with people. There was another 'ding' as another car opened; it was nearly empty with only two other people on it, but the arrow was indicating it was going down.

Deciding he didn't care if he returned to his room, he got on the car and headed down to the first floor. Once he was out of the elevator, he didn't know which way to go. He hadn't been down on the ground floor yet. Heading toward what he presumed was the front of the hospital he tried to ease his racing pulse and mind.

As he rounded a corner, he spotted the front entrance and made his way over to the nurse's desk. Bobby smiled at the nurse as he approached. "Hi."

The nurse, Heather, smiled back at him. "Hi, what can I help you with?"

Bobby leaned on the counter, taking the weight off his leg that ached with a newfound relentlessness. "I'm, uh…Bobby Goren, a patient," he held out his right wrist so she could see his identification band.

"Ah," Nurse Heather exclaimed as she read the band. "You're the guy Dr. Jefferies warned us about." She smiled. "Taking a walk?"

Bobby relaxed at her playful manner and smiled. "I was. I, uh…I wanted to just step outside, actually. Get some fresh air."

"Aren't you going to freeze," Heather asked him.

Bobby looked down at his clothes. He'd put on a pair of jeans and a navy blue sweater over his black tee-shirt, and he was wearing a pair of his work shoes with no socks. "I'll be fine."

Heather rolled her eyes at him. "Not more than ten minutes, or I'll send a search party after you. And don't leave the premises."

Bobby nodded his thanks and started toward the doors. "What if I want a search party," he asked with a playful smile.

"Jen warned me about that devilish smile of yours."

Bobby chuckled and eased the door open with his back. "You mean my devilishly charming smile?"

"Easy," Heather said as she raised his left hand and showed off her ring. "I'm married."

Bobby stilled smiled as he said, "Lucky guy." He had to admit the fluttering made him feel a little better.

Once he was out in the fresh air and daylight and it accord to him that it was the first time in nearly three months that he got to take it all in: the sunlight, the cold, the smell of nature and exhaust, and seeing the world move around him.

It was beautiful. It reassured him that he wasn't still locked away in a cage. That he wasn't in a basement and all this was a delusion. He felt the cold on his face and smelt the scent of snow in the air. Soon that snow would turn to rain once it started warming up in preparation for spring. And here he thought that he'd never experience another changing season again.

His body started to shiver after only being out there for a couple of seconds.

"Where's your coat?"

Bobby looked over and saw a man sitting on a bench by the entrance. "Uh…don't have one with me."

The man nodded and held up the cigarette in his hand. "Want one?"

Bobby walked slowly over to the man and sat down next to him. "Yeah, thanks." He stuck the cane between his legs to keep it from falling to the ground as he took a cigarette from the man. "I'm Bobby."

"Patrick," the man said as he offered up his lighter. "What're you here for?"

The way Patrick said that made Bobby think that the guy was referring to being in prison instead of at a hospital. "I'm a patient." He held up the cane. "Had knee surgery."

"Yeah," Patrick nodded. "I'm waiting to be a dad."

Bobby smiled over at Patrick. "What're you doing out here?" He took a long pull off the cigarette and felt like melting back into the bench.

"Her parents are on the way and I have to meet them out here." Patrick was watching the cars go up and down the street.

"Well, congratulations." Bobby was nodding as he started watching the cars himself and the people that walked by.

"You got kids?"

Bobby shook his head. He didn't want to get into a serious conversation with the guy; all he wanted to do was relax in the cold and thank God that he was still alive. It seemed Patrick wanted to chit-chat until his in-laws showed up.

"It's a blessing."

Bobby glanced over at the guy as he took a drag off the cigarette. "I'm sure it is," he said once he blew the smoke out.

He really didn't want to be rude, and a birth was a wonderful thing, but he was getting slightly irritated. He wondered if it had anything to do with his abduction or not. Usually making small-talk with someone was no problem, it was part of the job and he was a good talker. Now, he couldn't get himself into it, into that easy-going mind space where he could just…talk.

Leaning back against the bench, he stared up at the sky. Roberts had hit a nerve; and he'd been right. It made him uncomfortable to know that Roberts had pegged him from the moment he walked into the office. He'd let Roberts know some things, but not nearly enough for him to have sized him up that quickly. It was like Roberts already knew what to expect. Roberts had known to push him, to not beat around the real problem and…

Bobby jerked up and tossed the cigarette to the ground. "Maggie Coulter. Son-of-a-bitch." He grabbed his cane and headed back inside.

He passed the nurses station and made a beeline for the elevators. Roberts knew because someone had told him. Bobby took the first elevator going up even though it was full of people. He normally didn't take elevators that were close to being full, all the people and tight spaces would be just a little too much to push him over that edge, but he only had four floors to go.

It wasn't long that the doors opened and he was once again walking toward Roberts's office. As Bobby neared the door, his anger started to double in intensity. He didn't bother to knock as he opened the door. Luckily, no one was in the office except Roberts.

Roberts looked up and said a little too sarcastically, "Back so soon?"

Bobby marched over to the side of his desk and leaned on top of it. He didn't waste anytime as he bluntly said, "You talked to Eames."

Roberts went ridged for a split second before he nodded ever so slowly. "We had a chat."

The hurt in Bobby's eyes swelled as that hit him. "W-what…What'd she say?"

Roberts got up out of his chair and tried to calm him down. "Easy, Bobby," he said as he reached for his shoulders.

"No," Bobby snapped as he pushed Roberts's hands away from him. "What did she say," he demanded. He straightened to his full height and stared down at Roberts. The doctor was only a few inches shorter than himself, but it still had the effect of making Roberts flinch. He hardly ever used his physical size to intimidate, but this wasn't a normal situation.

Roberts was trying hard not to show that he was getting intimidated, yet it came out in his voice as he finally said, "Nothing personal. I asked her what the best way was to approach you. And I knew I couldn't gain your trust, not now, probably not ever so--"

"You provoked me. Played on my fears…You used her against me."

"You fear her?"

Bobby stepped back and rubbed at the back of his head. This wasn't going as well as he hoped. Hell, he didn't know what he was expecting to do once he got back her. "I didn't say that."

Roberts wasn't buying it. "Bobby, you just said--"

"I know what I said!" Bobby turned and headed across the room, away from Roberts as he tried to fight down the anger and frustration that had risen in him. His knee was getting worse; sending stinging jolts of pain up and down his leg. "It wasn't…" he took a deep, calming breath. "I said two different things at once. You played with my fears, and you used Eames against me."

"I played with a very small amount of your fears. You have a hell of a lot more that I don't even know about and they're hindering you."

"My demons are mine and mine alone." Bobby glared at Roberts. "I can deal with them, and with this."

"Not on your own."

Bobby closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. He could do anything on his own; he'd been doing it his whole life. "How'd you know? I know it'd take time, but…I'll deal with it. I just…" his tiredness was showing as he slumped against the bookshelf. "I need my space and…time."

"You need to talk to someone."

Bobby opened his eyes and stared over at him. "If I can't handle it…I'll be back." He pushed himself off the bookshelf and headed toward the door.

Roberts sighed in annoyance as he watched him. "Bobby, you're going to be biased and you can't judge yourself properly."

Bobby opened the door but didn't look back as he said, "Maybe, but…I've got to at least try."

"Even if you crash and burn?"

Bobby glanced up at Roberts. "I _won't_," he said before he shut the door.

* * *

_Room 122_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 7:42 AM_

Bobby focused on his hands and keeping them steady as he guided the razor along his jagged jaw line. He'd cut himself several times already as his right hand was shaky and uncoordinated. Taking a deep breath, he guided the blade slowly up his neck and over his jugular vein; he winced as it nicked him just above the vein. He let out a deep breath and cleaned off the razor.

"You better be careful, Mr. Goren."

Bobby glanced over his shoulder at his nurse Jen. "I did okay." He glanced back at the mirror and watched as the blood trickled down his neck.

"Uh-huh. Real good job." Jen turned away and started changing the bed sheets.

Bobby watched her for a moment then shut the door to the bathroom. Today he was going home, and he couldn't be happier. He was getting around good using the cane, Roberts was giving him the okay to go home but wasn't too happy that he had refused to continue seeing him, and Jefferies had cleared him as well.

But he wasn't out of the woods yet. He still had to drink the liquid medication for his throat, he had two prescriptions one of antibiotics and the other for pain, and he still couldn't eat anything solid except soup and crackers. They had given him protein drinks that tasted like vanilla chalk that was supposed to help build fat and keep him healthy. He remembered an uncle he had drinking the same exact stuff when he had cancer.

Bobby winced at himself in the mirror one last time before going through his bag; he pulled out a black shirt and a button-down flannel. His jeans were still hanging loosely off his waist and he had to use a belt to hold them up. He debated about going out and buying thinner clothes but decided against it. Hopefully it wouldn't take long for him to build himself back up. Even though his diet was reduced to liquid chalk and soup, his tolerance for solid foods was getting stronger. Jefferies had reassured him that in a few weeks he'd be back to eating three full meals a day.

"Bobby?"

Bobby heard Jefferies voice through the door. He finished buttoning his flannel and grabbed his cane off the counter. "Yeah," he asked as he opened the door and spotted Jefferies by the bed.

"I've got your papers here that you need to sign-off on." Jefferies held up the clipboard in his hand.

Bobby grabbed his bag and tossed it by the door. "Then that's it, I can go?"

Jefferies nodded. "I've scheduled your physiotherapy for Saturday. At first it'd be every Saturday; it'd be cut back to every other week and then eventually once a month until you're all done."

Bobby was nodding as he took the forms and looked them over. "And I should be able to write again with it?"

"Only a little writing; if you need to write out any long forms for work, I'd suggest you use a computer. It's going to hurt; the arthritis in it will make you not use it a whole lot."

"I can learn to shoot with my right and I don't do a whole lot of writing, just…taking notes. Eames usually does most of the paperwork," Bobby mindlessly mentioned.

"Speaking of Alex," Jefferies said as he took the papers back from Bobby after he signed them. "She's going to be picking you up."

Bobby froze as he stared at Jefferies. He felt like he'd been sucker punched. "She's picking me up? Who told her to do that?"

Jefferies eyed him right back. "No one, she volunteered."

"I can take a cab," Bobby protested. "I'm taking a cab."

Jefferies shook his head and looked at Jen who just sighed and rolled her eyes. "Good luck with calling her and talking her out of it."

Bobby watched as Jefferies left before walking over to the phone and eyeing it. If he called her, she'd insist and come to get him away. There wasn't anything he could do that'd make it end good for either of them.

It wasn't that he didn't want to see her, he did. He wanted to see her and talk to her so bad that it physically hurt. It was the fact that he needed to see her that bad that forced him to keep her away from him.

He rubbed his head at the ache that throbbed in his temples. Why couldn't everyone just leave him the hell alone?

* * *

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 8:31 AM_

Bobby heard the pounding on his front door. It was Alex. She was supposed to pick him up from the hospital earlier, but he left before she got there. He knew that she was furious with him. The truth was he was furious with himself. He should have called her and at least told her he was leaving and to not bother going to the hospital, but he didn't.

If he could, he would have let her stay outside his door until she finally left. But, he couldn't. Even though he didn't want her there, he needed answers and he needed to see her. He gave up wearing a path in his carpet and stalked over to the door and undid the three locks and yanked it open.

Alex blinked back at him in surprise for a moment before sighing and staring up at him.

Bobby glared at her before he glanced around the hallway. He saw a neighbor's door opening down the hall and he quickly stepped aside letting her in.

"Mind telling me why you bailed on me this morning," Alex asked once she was inside his apartment.

Bobby shut the door, locked it, and then faced her. "Mind telling me why you talked to Dr. Roberts behind my back?"

Alex didn't say anything to that. She rubbed at her head and walked into the kitchen. He watched as she poured herself a cup of coffee. "Want a refill?" She held up his empty cup that he'd sat on the counter next to the coffee pot.

"Sure." Bobby made his way over to her and waited until she was done. He took the offered cup in his still bandaged left hand as he tried to balance himself with the cane in his right. The weight of the cup hurt his hand, but there wasn't much he could do.

Alex walked by him into the living room and sat down on the couch.

Bobby watched her from his position in the kitchen and glanced toward his bedroom. "It's my fault."

The soft declaration was barely heard in the apartment but Alex turned her head and eyed him before taking a sip of the coffee. "What is," she finally asked after a couple of drinks from the cup.

Bobby slowly walked over to the recliner and sat down heavily and leaned forward so he could see her face. "Rebecca." He motioned his head toward the bedroom. "That's why my bedroom's been changed. He…killed her, in there. You didn't tell me."

"I…" Alex trailed off and shook her head. "I wanted to, but you didn't want to listen to me."

That felt like a slap in the face. The silenced stretched on for what seemed like hours as they just stared at each other. Bobby was starting to grow impatient, his un-injured leg bounced up and down uncontrollably under his left elbow that rested on it. The coffee was warm and it helped to warm him up. The black turtleneck he had on was barely keeping him warm in the cool apartment. "He thought she was you."

Alex raised her eyes to him in confusion.

Bobby glanced at her then returned his attention to the coffee table. "He didn't check to see who he was killing; he just assumed Rebecca was you. Jared…w-wanted you dead."

"Is that what Tim told you?" Alex's voice was soft and strained.

Bobby swallowed around the lump in his throat then took a long drink of the coffee. "Yeah, he, uh…" he cleared his rough throat and tried again. "H-he told me that he killed you. I knew he wasn't lying; I hoped he was, but the way he said it…" He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. "I thought…" he trailed off. It was obvious what he thought.

"You thought I was dead. Bobby, I'm sorry," Alex was saying as she stood and went to step closer to him.

"Don't," Bobby demanded as he twisted his right hand around and warned her to stay away from him. He watched as Alex eased back down onto the couch. It took him a moment to gather his emotions and breathe. He was feeling the anger rushing through him as the room was getting smaller. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. "You should have quit me."

He heard the sharp intact of Alex's breath and the few seconds of deafening silence as she didn't breathe at all. "Quit you? What makes you think that?"

Bobby took a wary glance at her. "I just…I don't know." He rubbed at his jaw as he said, "Anybody else would have called it quits by now. Why haven't you?"

"I'm not anybody else, Goren." Alex stared at him as she asked, "Is that what you want me to do?"

Bobby tried to look her in the eyes but eventually he had to turn away and look at the floor. His emotions were starting to pick and pry at his control like a spider at a trapped fly; he felt his body start to shake in anger. God, what was he really trying to ask? And why was he so afraid of the answer?

Alex touched his hand and he nearly stopped breathing. "Hey, look at me."

Bobby stared at the small soft hand on his and felt the tears burn at his eyes. "I can't." He closed his eyes as he tried to get the courage to say what he needed to. "I let you down, didn't I?"

"Let me down?" The confusion and worry in Alex's voice was sharp and clear. She had no idea what he was talking about.

He didn't really know what he was talking about. His mind was racing with so many thoughts as his body started to shake from the sudden panic that flared in his chest. Bobby swallowed hard and opened his eyes. "And now…What I did to him, to Tim because I thought…" He shook his head. Even though he couldn't see her, he could feel her trembling; her hand started to shake on his. "I'm not worth anything anymore."

"You don't believe that."

Bobby heard the disbelief and fear that layered her stern voice. He raised his eyes to her; he knew that the truth he felt poured from his eyes. The tears threatened to break as his hand clenched around his cane. He slammed the cup down on the coffee table and quickly stood as he headed for the bedroom. Alex couldn't see him like that; vulnerable and weak. He was almost in the room when he heard her call after him.

"Bobby."

He stopped just inside his bedroom and waited. When he didn't hear her say anything else, Bobby turned and faced her. "Will you please leave?"

Alex sighed in frustration and stood firmly in front of him. She went to speak, but he cut her off.

"Eames," Bobby said as his right hand gripped the side of the open bedroom door. "I won't ask again." Those words slightly trembled from his mouth. In the short seconds that followed, he saw the stunned eyes of Alex flinch at the strict warning.

"Is that a threat?" Alex asked; the sound of her voice made him think that she couldn't even believe that she was asking that at all.

Bobby swallowed hard as his deathly hollowed eyes bore into hers. "I don't want it to be." He then stepped back a few feet and closed the door, blocking her out of the room and out of his world.

TBC….


	8. The most terrifying thing

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews! I'm loving the fact that they are very informative. I really appreciate it!

This chapter only consists of two scenes, but they are very important in that they set up the coming chapters which will hopefully be the recovering stage (finally) for Bobby. It's nowhere near being over yet (Bobby still has some more hurdles he has to jump before I give him any slack), but we're getting into the middle ground now. So, enjoy!!

* * *

**Ch. 8: **

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 8:47 AM_

Bobby leaned back against the bedroom door. His heart pounded in his chest as the room blurred. The tears wouldn't break nor fall, he wouldn't let them. He couldn't let them. His leg was killing him as waves of pain flared in his right knee cap. It didn't take long for his body to give and he slid down along the door to the floor.

He wasn't going to make. Not on his own. The air around him was getting thicker as his body felt like it was being crushed; he gripped the sweater and yanked it over his head. His black tee-shirt was starting to stick to his sweaty body as he tried to breathe.

Why wouldn't the panic stop? He hadn't been this bad with attacks since he was a kid, and they went away after a few weeks. Now they were lasting for months, ever since he was taken. At first it had been because of the dark and claustrophobia, but now…He rubbed at his head as his fingers started to clench uncontrollably. Now he was constantly on that edge. The emotions in him felt like they were at war with each other, using his sense of control as their bargaining chip.

The room spun as his a hand clawed at an invisible collar that wasn't there. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think; he couldn't feel a thing as he tumbled over and collapsed against the floor.

"_What happened?"_

_His mother was staring at him from across the white room as his body started to shake from the cold. He hated hospitals simply for the fact that the doctors always made him wear nothing except for a thin cloth around his body. He might as well have been naked. Other people hated them for different reasons like the smell he suppose. That didn't bother him. _

"_It was a mild panic attack, Ms.--"_

"_Mild," his mother yelled furiously, interrupting the doctor. "He collapsed!"_

_As he watched her arms fly around frantically, he wished she would calm down. He missed seeing her calm and nice; even though she would say things that made him afraid and sometimes just plain ashamed, he never cared. She was his mother, and he loved to hear her talk. She used to read to him at night; he really missed that. But now, it seemed everything she said was in anger. And a lot of it was directed at him. After his dad left, it'd gotten worse._

_She used to yell at his dad. Now, it was at him. Everything he did lately was wrong. Frank got off easy since he was older and he could leave. He couldn't leave. Where was he going to go? To the library? His mom worked at the library._

"_Yes, ma'am, I know he collapsed. It's not uncommon for someone experiencing an attack to lose consciousness," the doctor tried to remain calm even though his mother was giving him that look. _

_It was the look he'd received too many times when Frank pinned one of his "accidents" onto him. _

"_He's only eleven," the doctor continued. "His system wasn't prepared for it and the attack, well, caused him to shut down in a way, resulting in him losing consciousness."_

_She was quiet for a moment, trying to regain her composure before she moved her hair back behind her ears, out of her face. "Was this a one time event?" She turned her head slightly and eyed him again. "Or will something like this happen again." From the look that crossed her face and the sharp stare he'd received, he knew that it was an accusation and not a question._

_His mother was blaming him for his attack? He didn't do anything! One minute he was fine the next…He shook his head as the tears started to burn his eyes. It was his fault again. All the time, he did it; he was the cause. Was he the cause for her illness as well? The doctor had said that stress made it worse. A single tear slid down his face; he reached up and rubbed it away quickly before anyone saw it. _

_He was acting up too much, making his mom worse. He just had to try harder to be good; to do good things. If he tried harder…_

_The doctor picked up the chart off the desk and stared at it like it was holding all the answers before he said with a slight stumble of words, "I-I don't know. He may need some medication if this continues."_

_The look his mother sent him from across the room could freeze lava. Her expression softened when she turned her focus back to the doctor. "Do you think that'd be necessary? Bobby has a somewhat low tolerance…Medication only seems to make things worse for him. The last time--"_

"_I've read his file, Ms. Goren. The type of medication for panic attacks isn't the same kind he was prescribed before. If, and only if, these attacks continue, will medication be an option."_

_Later when they were on the subway heading home, his mom turned to him with that look again. "You have to take better care of yourself, Bobby. You can't keep doing these things."_

"_I didn't do--"_

_The back hand to his mouth sent him into stunned silence. He stared wide-eyed at her as she straightened her coat and adjusted the purse on her lap._

"_Don't you talk back to me; for once can't you just listen?" Her face contorted as she tried to keep the anxiousness and fear out of her own voice. "I need you to stop getting into trouble. Okay? Can you do that? Frank, he's the one that's going to go places and do things…I never have to worry about him. His father keeps him in line. But you…if you don't stop getting into trouble what'd you think will happen to you? You can't let them get to you too. Once they get you…" she trailed off as her eyes started darting around the subway car._

_He turned his head and stared out the window at the passing tunnel. Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes and tried to relax._

Gripping the carpet between his fingers, he got onto his hands and knees and made his way toward the bathroom, dragging his cane along with him. Thankfully there was one off his room; he didn't have to go very far before his hands padded across tile. He made it to the toilet just in time as he felt his stomach lurch.

After several minutes and doing nothing but dry heaving, he rested against the shower stall and stared at the wall. If he closed his eyes it felt like his head and body were in a whirlwind.

His mind finally caught up with what was happening and he sighed deeply as he leaned his head back. He hadn't thought about that day in years. It was the first time he'd ever experienced an attack so severe that it sent him to the hospital. They hadn't lasted long, only a few weeks until…He didn't know when they stopped or why or how.

He had figured that they were caused by the sudden changes in his life. His father had left, Frank was always gone, and his mother. He was left with her and her illness. When she was on her medication she wasn't there. She couldn't do anything for herself; she couldn't think clearly, it was like she was stuck in a fog. And when she refused to take her medication her delusions ruled over her, but at least she could function. It didn't matter that she talked to herself or thought the world was after her, she acted more like a mother during those times than she ever did when she was doped up.

It seemed now that his world had changed again. He felt trapped, and conflicted about everything and one; his world was chaotic and full of confusion, anger, and uncertainty. Even his apartment was different. Not just from the changes Alex made to it, but its sense of security was gone. It was no longer his sanctuary, his safe-haven; it was no longer _his_. It was tainted.

He was tainted.

The tears in his eyes had all subsided; his vision was clearer and his breathing was calmer. He closed his eyes and felt the dizziness leave him. Gripping the cane, he pushed himself up off the bathroom floor. As soon as his right leg straightened it gave. He caught himself on the sink so not to fall over as pain erupted up his leg.

He was trying to do too much too quickly, but he couldn't just lie around all day and not move. He was sick of lying around not doing anything and being restricted. Logically he knew that he was being stubborn and unreasonable. That he wasn't being kept down by anyone and that he needed to stay off his leg as much as possible. It was getting himself to accept that without feeling hindered and angry that was the problem.

When he didn't move everything stopped. And when everything stopped he was right back there in the dark, suffocating and dying.

His hands gripped the edges of the sink as that anger flared through him. His body was trembling again.

_Why can't I control this?_

He glanced up into the mirror and froze. His dull brown eyes bore straight into his soul and he barely recognized himself. The muscles in his jaw started to twitch as his hands balled into fists.

_Who am I?_

_You're the abuser, _a sharp voice that sounded like his own mocked inside his head. _You're no better than the criminals you've caught. You're no saner than that schizophrenic mother of yours. And you're no more of a saint than your cheating father. Who in the hell do you think you are?_

The mirror shattered, spilling shreds of glass over the sink and floor. The ear-piercing scream of the glass breaking brought him back to the world around him. He slammed his cane over and over again into the damaged cabinet until his shaking hands fumbled and dropped the cane to the floor.

He stared at the glass around him and at the broken cabinet in horror. What was he doing? _You're losing it, Bobby._ _Get a grip on yourself._

The last time he felt anger like that was just before he left to go into the Army. And the direction of his anger was pointed at his father. Not his _dad_, that man didn't deserve the title; he didn't take care of him or his mother. He only cared about himself and what Frank did because Frank could get him money.

"_You're joining the Army?" His father eyed him from where he was sitting in his recliner. The television was on, showing a basketball game. _

_He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other as he kept his focus on the floor. He never could look his father in the eye. "Yeah; I-I thought…"_

"_You thought what? That I'd be proud that my youngest son wants to get himself killed?"_

_He flinched at the harsh bitterness of the words. He disappointed his father again. "Uncle Dean was in the Army."_

_His father glared over at him before returning his attention back to the game. "And he's dead."_

"_He fought for his country," he stressed._

"_He didn't choose it, Bobby. He was drafted and he hated it and it destroyed him. When he returned home he couldn't do anything. He made nothing of his life. Then one day he put his gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Yeah, that's really something to be proud of." He only glanced at him before he returned his focus back to the game._

_He felt the anger fill him as he stared at his father. "What am I supposed to do? Stay with mom until I'm forty!"_

"_Why couldn't you stick with basketball like your brother," his father yelled back at him. "He didn't have to relay on the Army to pay for his college. He got a full ride because he stuck with it. You've never stuck with anything."_

"_Frank's only doing it to make your pockets fatter! And maybe I could have stuck with something if you'd been there! Since I was eleven I had to make sure we didn't go under; I had to take care of mom and help with the house and the bills and--"_

_His father was out of the chair and coming toward him. "You better watch it you ungrateful--"_

"_Ungrateful what?" He stepped closer to his father and glared at him as his anger threatened to overpower him. "Bastard? You're the bastard!" For the first time in his life, he stood up to his old man. He leveled him with his sharp brown eyes and let his frustration of the father he hated and disrespected. "You were supposed to be the man of the house; to be a husband and a dad. And now you're making me feel like shit because of your failures? It's not my fault that you couldn't keep it in your pants!"_

_Fists collided with his face and then his stomach. He doubled over and fell to the floor; blood streamed from his mouth and nose as his father stared down at him. _

"_I wish I could say I felt bad about doing that, but it was for your own damn good. Now get your ass up off my floor and don't you come back unless it's to apologize."_

"Bobby?"

His head jerked around at the sound of his name. Confusion filled his head as fear sparked in his chest.

There was a knock at the bedroom door. "Bobby? Are you okay?"

It was Alex's voice. Bobby picked up his cane and left the bathroom; he stopped in the middle of the bedroom only a few feet from the door and eyed it. He told her to leave. Why…? The fear in his chest intensified as tears filled his eyes; his hand covered his mouth as his stomach twisted. _Was Alex really there?_

Why couldn't he tell if she was really there or not? She had to be there; he wasn't in that basement anymore. He wasn't hearing things.

"Goren!"

It felt like that first time he had heard Alex's voice in the hospital. It sickened him to think that she wasn't actually there with him, to help him, and that he was just imagining her voice. It wasn't until he saw her in the hospital room that he knew he wasn't losing it, but then he had lost his control and went into a panic attack with her at his bedside.

And now…Running a trembling hand through his short hair, he stared at the door until he was able to get his legs to move. He stepped toward it but didn't open it. The doorknob turned and he quickly grabbed it to keep it from being opened. The tension on the doorknob gradually eased.

"Bobby will you please answer me?"

Bobby rested his forehead against the door and stared at it like he could see beyond it. "E-Eames?" The questioning in that one word sent a shiver down his spine. When had he become so uncertain of his own mind?

There was silence for a long moment and Bobby thought that he was going to get sick. The tears slid down his face and as the panic grew.

"Are you okay? I heard glass breaking?"

The relief that filled him would have sent him to his knees if he wasn't holding himself up. "God," he breathed out into the door. "Oh Jesus…Alex…" he whispered. Taking several deep breaths, he wiped the sweat and tears off his face. "I'm fine," his voice was louder as he called through the door. "I'm fine," he repeated again to himself.

"You don't sound fine."

The pain and sadness in her voice clenched at his heart. It was getting harder to keep calm. As Bobby went to speak again nothing came out. He didn't know what to say to her. All that came to mind was how he had hurt her, how he betrayed her by betraying himself, how he had let her down. It was getting too hard to keep from breaking. She was making it hard.

"Can I come in?"

"No," his voice choked out as his grip on the doorknob tightened. He was a mess and he never wanted Alex to see him like that. "You were supposed to leave," he got out as a plea. "Why didn't you leave?" Bobby's voice was getting more strained as his throat got tighter from the lump forming in it.

"I want to help you," Alex tried to explain through the door.

Bobby's anger was building again, throwing up walls and pulling at the well of emotions that fought in his chest and head. "Help me?" The anger laced his voice as he spoke. He needed her out; he needed to be alone, to have time and space. He needed his sanctuary back. "You showed how you wanted to help me when you talked to Roberts behind my back!" He had no idea where that had come from; all he kept thinking was that he wanted her gone, away from him and his demons. "W-what'd you tell him?"

"Bobby." Alex sounded like she was crying.

Oh, no, he was making her cry. His own hot tears slid down his face as he pounded the door. "Tell me! What did you say to him?"

"I didn't tell him anything personal. He needed to know where he stood, how to talk to you. He wanted to help you!"

"What about us?" Bobby was starting to feel the room cave on him as he pounded the door again. "Eames!"

"I…I told him that we're just partners and…"

Whatever else she was saying he didn't hear it. Bobby stilled against the door as his mind filled with that one sentence.

_They were just partners?_

It was the truth, but for some reason that felt and sounded horribly wrong. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on. He didn't know why; hadn't he said the same thing about them? They were partners, end of discussion. But things had changed; when he had said it to Roberts while in the hospital he was down-playing it, them. He didn't want Roberts to know about Alex. About how he thought about her and what she did for him while he was in that cage.

She had been his everything while he was in that hell. She was his calming voice to keep him grounded and she was his strength when he didn't think he had any left. She kept him from ending his life; she had given him hope and filled that dark room with light when he thought it was going to empty his soul. Even when he thought she was dead she gave him hope.

_And they were just partners?_ Was he still just her partner after all of this? "H-how…how could you think that," Bobby asked in disbelief.

"What? Bobby, I barely heard--"

"Get out," he gritted out through his tight jaw. Bobby knew he was being unreasonable, that it was his confused emotions talking, but he couldn't stop himself.

"Bobby, I'm sorr--"

"Get out," he yelled as his fist collided on the door, sending a ripple of pain down his arm.

His heart was dropping, he could feel it. He had let her in without realizing how deeply she penetrated his being. She had gone far into him and touched the one and only place that nobody could touch except for his family.

The pain he suddenly felt was too much to bare. It was costing him more than he ever thought possible. More than he had ever feared. The walls were completely up again and his body went numb. Even his anger dissolved into his ice cold veins.

He heard the front door open and the close. It took him a moment to get his hand to turn the knob it was gripping. The apartment was empty. Alex was gone. And the deafening silence that engulfed him was the most terrifying thing he had ever heard in his entire life.

* * *

_St. Anthony's Hospital_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 9:32 AM_

Alex couldn't deny her own feelings toward Bobby; she didn't really know how deep those feelings went or understood the connection to her partner completely until he was taken. It surprised her how much his absence affected her; in a way it was the same heart-breaking betrayal she had felt when her husband was taken from her, but it also seemed more painful, more wrong and devastating when it had been Bobby.

At first those feelings had angered her; she thought that she valued Bobby over Joe. Then she realized that the relationship she had with Bobby was completely different than the relationship she had with her husband; they were both significant and made her world feel just that much more complete.

She couldn't get Joe back, but she could get Bobby back. It was going to be hard seeing how Bobby wasn't anything like her husband. Joe had no problem trusting. He had no problem with sharing his life with her, and his thoughts and feelings even when it drove him crazy and he didn't quite understand them; Joe would still put in the effort and talk to her.

With Bobby, it was like pulling teeth. Where Joe had grown up in a stable and normal household just like her, Bobby's life was unstable and full of chaos. It was a life that she didn't understand because she had nothing to draw from. The only thing that came close was when her alcoholic Aunt had come to live with them and after her mother had suffered a stroke. But they at least had their dad there, taking care of things.

Bobby had no one that she knew of. She really didn't know the whole story with his father or brother, but she knew enough about his mother to know that he had it bad. Bobby confused her more than anyone she'd ever known in her life. She had grown accustom to his way of working, and there had been times when she caught on to his way of thinking during a case, but when it came to anything personal the man was a mystery.

And that was why she needed help. She had no way of knowing what to do with Bobby when he was so angry, and confused, and ready to snap at the drop of a hat. She had never seen him that clouded with emotion. The only time that came close was when Nicole Wallace got her clutches in him.

Taking a deep breath, and praying that she was doing the best thing for both her and her partner, Alex knocked on the office door and waited. It didn't take long before the office door opened and she was staring up at Dr. Roberts. "May I come in?"

Roberts stepped aside and let her into the office. "Sure; how's Bobby?"

Alex collapsed in the chair and glanced around the room. "How _isn't_ Bobby should be the question and I can't answer that; I don't think _he _can answer that."

"Coffee," Roberts asked as he grabbed a paper cup from a table off to the side of the room and filled it.

Alex nodded, "I'd like that." She took the offered cup and waited until Roberts was seated with a cup of his own. "He's angry that I talked to you."

Roberts shook his head as he said, "No, he's not."

"Then why'd he get upset about it?"

Roberts sat forward in his chair and eyed her. "He felt that you had taken something from him: his ability to make decisions."

"I didn't think I had to ask him first."

Roberts shook his head. "It's not that, it's…He thinks that you should have spoken to him first about it. It would have made him feel more in control instead of left in the dark."

"Then why did you ask me to help you?"

Roberts didn't look the least bit sorry as he responded, "I had to take the chance."

Alex took a sip from the hot coffee as she felt the sadness threaten to break. "Great, I was being used."

Roberts tried to reassure her. "Not necessarily; and aren't you going to try and use me now?"

"I need to help Bobby."

"So do I."

They stared at each other for a long moment, neither one ready to admit that they were both trying to gain something from speaking to each other.

Roberts suddenly spoke. "Where were you when it happened?"

Alex rubbed at her tired eyes. She really needed to get some sleep. After taking several sips of the coffee she answered, "In his apartment. He got angry, yelled at me about talking to you behind his back, and then he told me to get out."

"He made you feel guilty." Roberts took a long pull off the coffee cup. "He wanted you out; so, he did the only thing he could think of…He forced you to leave on your own."

Alex shook her head in disbelief. "He wouldn't do that."

Roberts regarded her seriously. "Are you forgetting who you're talking about?"

"No, I know Bobby."

"Then you're forgetting one important detail."

Alex glared at him and waited for him to enlighten her.

Roberts smirked as he shrugged, "He's a man."

Alex huffed out a laugh and let that settle over her. "A very stubborn one at that."

"Alex…" Roberts sat his cup down and leaned on top of this desk. "Bobby is never going to break down in front of you. You know that right? Whatever you're expecting him to do, stop it. He'll do the exact opposite; and I know you know that because you warned me of it. I should have taken it more seriously, took our session slower, but I misjudged his confidence in himself. I was completely shocked at the amount of anger that he was feeling and how much his own self-confidence was broken."

"That's just it…I don't understand that. He's the most confident person I've known; and his anger, it's…unreal; the intensity of it."

"It's terrifying, I agree, but right now it's the only thing he understands. It's the only emotion that makes sense. Bobby may be a highly intelligent, sensitive, and intuitive detective; and he may be able to read other peoples motives and emotions. However, and this is big, when it comes to himself, he's lost. Before, maybe he was able to judge his emotions with no trouble, but I doubt it. No man can really understand their own emotions, not even a man like Bobby. Hell, even I can't. But now, after everything that's happened to him, it's even more frustrating that he can't figure himself out. And that is making his anger worse and shattering his confidence. He can't trust himself because he can't trust what he's feeling or why."

Alex regarded the doctor as she thought that over. Maybe she was expecting too much of Bobby; giving him qualities that he didn't have just because she thought about him in a certain way. She herself was blinded because she couldn't see that he was indeed just a man who couldn't tell one emotion from the other. She was expecting more from the detective who could understand human nature to the point of complete absurdity. "How can I help him? I need to be able to do something."

Roberts sighed and shook his head. "He can't evaluate himself correctly, not when everything's all jumbled up in his head and being twisted by the emotions he can't make heads or tails out of."

"So, he needs a way to separate himself from it all." Alex thought that over in her head. The only way she could think of was getting him to talk about it like it was another case they were working on. "I could…present it to him like a case. Take out all the information about it being him; it'll let him view it in a different way."

Roberts was nodding. "That could work. I'm sure he'll catch on very quickly what was going on, and he might get upset over it at first, but at least he'll have it when he's ready." After a moment of looking her over, he asked, "How're you holding up?"

Alex finished off her coffee and tossed the cup into the trash. "I'm doing okay."

"You've been having trouble sleeping." Roberts smiled when she glared at him. "I'm not trying to analysis you; I am concerned though."

Alex gave him a small smile. "I appreciate the concern, but I'm not as…conflicted as my partner. I know how to take care of myself."

"So does he, and look at what he's doing to himself."

"It's the guilt," Alex acknowledged. "I don't have much of it. I did at first feel somewhat guilty, but…I know that there was nothing I could do and if it had been me who took him home that night he would have still been abducted, and maybe Landy would have found where I lived instead of…" she trailed off and shook her head. It still pained her that a dear friend of hers was dead because of something she had nothing to do with.

"It wasn't your fault. Landy's the one to blame, Alex. He did it. Even when he could have walked away, he did it anyway. It was his choice."

"He was being played by Jared." That name seemed to burn on Alex's tongue. She was getting angry just from the memories of him that filled her head.

Roberts was closely watching her. He nodded slowly as he asked, "Has Bobby talked about him or anything?"

Alex frowned and shook her head. "Not that I'm aware of. I think, during his statement, he told Detective Stabler that Jared was the one that was behind it. Is that a problem? That Bobby hasn't asked or talked about him?"

Roberts was quiet for a moment. "I'm not sure," he honestly acknowledged.

Alex didn't know what to say to that. She glanced around until she spotted the clock. It was a little after ten. She grimaced at the time and stood. "I've got to go."

Roberts stood and walked her to the door. "Thanks for coming by. You didn't have to."

Alex opened the door as she shrugged. "I thought it couldn't hurt. Despite Bobby's anger, I think you're a good doctor. Maybe I'm just too desperate in trying to help Bobby…"

"You're his friend, his partner, and the only one that can probably get through to him." Roberts smiled at her. "I believe that. You two have something that a lot of people can only wish and dream about having."

Alex stared at him in confusion. "What's that?"

Roberts smiled warmly at her. "Now I know you're not being coy with me, Alex."

Alex felt the blush as she shook her head. "It's not like that. We're not--"

"I didn't say you were." Roberts went to step back into his office when he turned back to her. "You may be…terrified in doing this but I think if you inform Bobby about your honest-to-goodness feelings about him, it'd help."

"He'll freak."

Roberts laughed. "Any man would; that still doesn't mean he wouldn't want to hear it."

TBC…


	9. This is what happens

**A/N:** I swear this story didn't start off as a B/A story; in fact, I can go either way with the whole 'to ship or not to ship' thing, but these two just wouldn't leave each other alone. The more I wrote the more their pull towards each other grew. That's why at the beginning of this story I told you that I didn't know about the pairing, seeing how the characters like to do things on their own. I know it sounds weird but these characters have a mind of their own and they use me more than I use them! Anyway, enough of my rambling, enjoy!

**Also**, Happy Independence Day to my American readers!!

* * *

**Ch. 9**

_Block Diner_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 2:43 PM_

This was going to be a mistake, he could feel it. His left leg wouldn't stop bouncing up and down under the table, his hand rubbed so furiously at the back of his neck that it was burning hot, and everyone in the diner was looking at him. Some were being discrete about it, most weren't. If he hadn't seen the paper that morning he would probably be trying to figure out why, but he knew why. He was staring at it.

On the front page of the _New York Ledger_, there was a picture of him. It was news of his release from the hospital. How, in all this crazy mess, did he manage to miss the lurking vultures? Why didn't anyone tell him that he'd been front page news ever since he was abducted and that the media was following his status ever since he was found? He was glad that his address and home number weren't listed or else he would have never made it in his building without the media being camped out in front of it.

He was jarred from his thoughts when a waiter placed a coffee down in front of him. Bobby glanced up at the guy. "I, uh…didn't order anything."

The waiter pointed across the diner, toward the bar. "That gentleman got it for you."

Bobby looked at where the guy was pointing. He caught sight of the man leaning against the counter, watching him. He smiled and waved his brother over and thanked the waiter. When his brother got close enough, he stood. "Frank, thank--" He was cut off as Frank grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.

"You look like hell, Bobby," Frank said into his ear. He pulled him away and looked him over again. "You're okay?"

Bobby nodded as he sat back down. "Been better, but…Yeah, I'm good."

Frank sat across from him and leaned back in the booth. "Your left hand, that's gotta be tough."

Bobby glanced at his hand. "It hurts, but I can still use it…kind-of," he shrugged out. "I have to wait a week until I can start the physiotherapy."

"I was surprised that you called." Frank regarded him closely as he poured sugar into his cup of coffee.

Bobby stared into the cup in front of him like it held all the secrets in the world. He really didn't know why he had called Frank after Alex had left, only that he wanted to know how his mother was; other than that...He stared up at Frank and looked him over. "You're looking good; well…better than the last time."

Frank grinned and straightened his tie. "It hasn't been that long, has it?"

Bobby slowly nodded as the warmth he'd been feeling about seeing his older brother was fading. "Not since dad's funeral." He let that settle between them as he took a drink from the coffee. His cell phone rang in his pocket; taking it out, he saw that it was Alex. Putting the phone on 'silent', he turned back to his brother as he pocketed the phone. "Uh…How's mom?"

Frank eyed him for a long moment before he glanced away out the window. "She's, you know, mom."

Bobby was watching him closely. He was trying to hide something. "You've been visiting her then? I mean," he held up the paper in front of him, "I know you knew about what happened."

"Yeah," Frank said as the tried to defend himself. "I've seen her. It's just…Well, you know how she is. One day she's fine, the next," he shrugged. "The times I've seen her she's been good."

Bobby rubbed at his head and sat back. It had only been a few minutes but he was already wishing he wasn't there, that he hadn't called Frank. Why did he really call him? Because the silence in his apartment was starting to consume him as the thoughts of what his mother must have been going through was making his head feel like it was going to explode. "How many times?"

"What am I a suspect now?" Frank was getting agitated as he looked around the diner and shook his head. "Look, I've been busy. I can't get up there every week and--"

"How many times," Bobby demanded.

Frank stopped his rambling and eyed him. "I don't know, three?"

Bobby wanted to throttle his brother; he didn't care if they were in the middle of a crowded diner. "Three times in nearly three months." He closed his eyes and felt the anger and pain rush through him. "Frank--"

"What about you, Bobby?"

Bobby stared at Frank in disbelief. "What about me?" He pointed to the paper on the table. "I just got out of the hospital."

"You could've called her. You've had weeks to call so why are you hounding me about this."

"_Hounding_ you? I'm not--"

"Why'd you call me, Bobby," Frank suddenly asked.

_I don't want to be alone. You're my big brother and I'm scared. _Bobby shook his head at those thoughts and looked around the diner. "I wanted to know about mom, how she's doing. And, uh…Let you know that I'm okay. I-I thought you'd be worried."

Frank deflated a little but he was still on the defense. "I was. You scared me to death. I thought I might never see you again."

Bobby closed his eyes and nodded. He knew all too well how close he'd been to that being reality. He downed half the coffee as he tried to regain some of his control. The crowd in the diner was growing as his world felt like it was getting smaller. "I could have been killed." He leveled with his brother as he gave a curt nod. "And, here I stupidly thought that, maybe…you would've actually stepped up for once in your life and took care of mom. What would you have done, exactly? Abandon her?"

"I don't need this." Frank grabbed his jacket as he went to stand. "I'm not dad, Bobby."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "Well, you could've fooled me. How much are you in debt this month? How many girlfriends have you gone through just this year? It's only March but I'd say at least five."

"Like your track record's any better?"

Bobby eyed him as he watched Frank stand up. "I don't go through women, Frank. I've only had a few girlfriends, you know that. They just don't stick around very long."

"Yeah, and who's fault's that? You don't trust anyone."

"Should I? I mean, I can't even trust you. Why'd you think I picked this diner instead of having you come to my apartment?"

Frank glared at him. "Go to hell," he snapped before he turned and left the diner.

Bobby stared at the opposite booth and sighed as he dropped his head into his hands. _That's it, Bobby, drive everyone away. First Alex and now Frank._

Speaking of Alex, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He had missed another call from her a minute ago. He itched to hit the call her back; he needed to hear her voice just then, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd hurt her enough for one day. If she really wanted to speak to him, she'd find him.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Saturday, March 17, 2003_

_Approx. 8:59 PM_

Alex snapped her phone shut and cursed under her breath. Bobby still wasn't answering his phone. She'd been trying to reach him all day to no avail.

"Here's that file you wanted."

Stone's voice snapped Alex out of her anger at Bobby as she eyed the file in his hand. "Thanks." She took the file and started reading it over.

"You know, it'd be nice if I could sit across from you, easier for us to work that way."

Alex stared up at Stone and felt like punching him. "Excuse me?"

Stone shrugged as he sat down in Bobby's chair. "I said it'd be nice to sit here, instead of way over there. We're partners, Al—Eames."

"Goren's my partner; you're just a fill-in until he gets back." Alex closed the file and put it away in before grabbing her empty coffee cup and standing.

"And if he doesn't come back?"

Alex stilled as she eyed the man in front of her, sitting at Bobby's desk like it was his despite the fact it still held all of Bobby's books, files, and notes. "The last person I'll have replace him is you."

Stone smirked as he leaned the chair back. "Then if I were you I'd be greatly disappointed, but I'm the only detective available and from what I hear, Goren's too far gone to ever carry a badge again."

Alex felt a twinge of pain fill her heart at that. It was bad enough that Bobby's ordeal was all over the news, but to have rumors going around about him having lost it was something entirely different. That meant his fellow colleges were starting to doubt him. Even the detectives who had at first wanted to have a vigil and offered up a party for his return where starting to grow quiet around her; they had also stopped asking questions about his well-being.

She grabbed her coat and instead of heading out the door and going home, Alex walked over the Deakins office. He was still there, signing-off on forms and approving files. The door was open so she didn't bother knocking as she walked in and sat down across from him.

Deakins glanced up at her before scribbling his name down quickly. He smiled as he gave her is full attention and leaned back in the chair. "Alex, what can I do for you?"

"Buy me a Martini?"

Deakins chuckled and relaxed against the chair. "Wish I could, but…" he shrugged and let that fall between them. "How's Bobby?"

At least Deakins still asked about him. Alex got up and filled her empty cup with coffee before she addressed him. "He's hurting."

Deakins nodded as he sighed heavily. "I've spoken to that doctor from the hospital…Dr. Roberts."

"What'd he say?"

Deakins rubbed at his face as he leaned forward on the desk. "He doesn't think he's anywhere close to coming back to work yet."

Alex sat back down in the chair and eyed the cup in her hands. "You know how Goren is. He just needs to lean back in a chair and think. Except right now, he's not thinking the right way. Once he gets everything straight in his head, he'll be ready for work."

Deakins smiled warmly at her. "I hope so." He glanced out the door. "But if he doesn't…Have you considered working with--"

Alex was shaking her head. "I can't work with Stone. He's…everything Goren isn't and I can't put up with him."

Deakins raised his brows as he stared at her. "I thought you could put up with anyone; I mean you've stuck with Goren all this time."

Alex smiled at that. "I didn't stick with him. I trust Goren and I love working with him, but with Stone…I'd rather work alone."

Deakins was silent for a long moment as he stared at her. Finally, he nodded and rubbed at his tired eyes. "I'll see what I can do in the meantime, but…I'm not going to try and sugarcoat this, Alex. Bobby may not come back. You have to realize that."

Alex knew he was right; if she didn't prepare herself now for that possibility she'd be setting herself up for a hard awakening if it was to happen. "I know, I do. It's just hard to accept right now."

"I know," Deakins agreed as he nodded. "Believe me, the last thing I want for you and this department is to lose Goren."

Alex felt a little relieved to hear Deakins say that. In all the negativity over the past few days, she was glad to have the Captain on their side. "Thanks, Captain. I appreciate it."

Deakins just smiled and picked up another file. "Have a good evening, Alex."

"You too, Sir," Alex said as she got up and left the office.

* * *

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Sunday, March 18, 2003_

_Approx. 7:13 AM_

This was what happened when everything stopped.

His heavy eyelids weighted down but he couldn't sleep. Even with the added pain pills for his leg and hand he could drift into sleep. He took another sip of the hot coffee then leaned back in the recliner and stared up at the ceiling. The chaos from yesterday still banged at his head like a trapped prisoner.

He wasn't an idiot; he knew that one day this would happen. It was evitable; he was too unstable for it not to have ever happened. Why did everything have feel so…screwed up? His conversations were strained no matter who he talked to. He was going off on the people he cared the most about, and he felt like the only way to live was to not live, to give up and surrender to the pain in his head and the dropping of his soul.

Depression: that was what he was experiencing. He was depressed because he was alive…? No, that didn't make sense. He was glad he was alive and out of that basement. It wasn't that. It was everything that came with that: the people, the thoughts, the anger, the guilt, the noise, the silence, the uncertainty, and the certainties.

It was getting to the point he was feeling like he did when he was in the basement, except he was in his apartment. He was getting sick of everything that he should have been appreciating because he got to live it again. He got to see Alex again, and hear her voice. And despite his brother's problems, he was really glad that he got to see him too.

Bobby stared out into the empty apartment and glanced toward the front door. He had made Alex leave him. And in the process he made her cry; she had cried because of him and his anger. For the most of their partnership he'd spent all his time and energy on making her happy that they were partners, of making her not regret him.

For years he was terrified and desperately afraid in following in his mothers footsteps that he wouldn't let himself in close with anyone. He never wanted to put a wife or family through that. He never wanted his children to be afraid of their father. God, how horrible would that have been? So, he stayed clear of it all. His defenses always ruled over his relationships and eventually the woman would leave him. Deep down he would let himself feel the pain, but outwardly he never let it show. It was to be expected.

As he continued to stare at the front door, he realized that he didn't really know the woman he was so distracted by. Alex was his partner, but he didn't know who she really was. Like him, she always hid when they got too close. There were times when she would talk freely about something that had happened in her life, where the energy of life took her over and she was there with him, happy and telling him stories. But he never knew about her past with her husband Joe or what she loved to do when she wasn't working or what made her laugh out loud instead of just smiling and nodding along with him.

Even though he didn't know any of those things, he still clung to her; he tried to gasp and take whatever she offered him and used it to keep him going, to keep him grounded and focused. He could never tell her that; he never wanted her to feel like he was valuing her too much that she felt pressured or burdened with his insecurities. He didn't want her to feel responsible for him when he dove off the deep end and realized he'd made a mistake. He didn't want to bring her down with him. Taint her like he was already tainted.

His head fell into his hands and the pain clenched his heart and he couldn't breathe. He'd always felt different with her somehow; bound to her yet also separated. The separation hurt. It physically hurt and made him unbalanced. Mentally he felt drained; dead, and wanting to be buried if only it'd end the constant questioning.

There were too many questions that pounded at his head it was driving him crazy. It was hard to sort through them all and reason with them. The hurt he'd caused Alex, the worrying of his mother, the things he'd done to Tim, the things he was doing to himself…He couldn't let himself be. He couldn't just be in the moment and not have it all slam into him.

This was why he couldn't keep still. It felt like his thoughts were playing ping-pong, bouncing off one another and none were sinking in. Glancing at the clock he realized he'd been up for over 24-hours straight. The thought of sleeping in that bed made him cringe. It wasn't the same bed, but it still happened in that room. Rebecca died there…

He was going to have to move.

Rubbing at his head, Bobby tried to get his head to calm down. Another reason why he couldn't sleep was because his head wouldn't shut-up. He'd laid on the recliner and couch all night, tossing and turning with the waves of his thoughts beating down on him until he had enough and had to get up.

He tried cleaning up the broken glass on the floor but ended up staring at it for an hour until he realized he was off thinking again about how he let his control slip and his temper explode.

Going to take another drink from the cup in his hand, he realized it was empty. He didn't remember drinking it all. Groaning, Bobby stood and went into the kitchen and refilled the cup with coffee.

So, who was he really? He was a man with a desperate need to understand human nature. He never questioned why. Questioned why he didn't turn his head away from the horrors of what the mind could make a human do to another. He could manipulate. He could read people, get into their heads, and know what secrets they held even when they couldn't admit it to themselves. And he used that ability to destroy another human being.

The pain in his chest increased as his lungs tried get the air out of his body.

Alex would never forgive him. Not really. She would begin questioning him if he ever went back to work. She'd wonder if he was going too far, pushing too hard, and he'd wonder too. He'd be scared to do it again. And then what'd happen? She'd leave or he'd leave. He'd be alone.

He never used to feel like he was a lonely man. Yeah, he lived alone and everything, but he never _felt _lonely or desperate to be around people. He used to love being alone and free to do what he wanted; he was content with being himself. And even though he had a family, he didn't really have them. They were never there for him. He was always there when they needed something or someone. A hand to hold onto, a scapegoat, an excuse, a punching bag, someone to yell at and make feel small and meaningless just because they were feeling that way.

His intelligence and sense of security wasn't the only thing undermined by his parents.

With shaky hands, he undid the next three buttons on his shirt but the room was still blurring and the darkness that was penetrating at his peripheral vision was caving inward, threatening to make him blind. At least that was what it seemed like.

He'd given up so much for his family. What did they give him: regrets, nightmares, impossible decisions, and an uncertain future? And what did he give Alex: the same damn thing.

The attack was getting worse and he felt his body shift forward beyond his control. He thought he was having a heart attack, but it wasn't his heart. It was his lungs; they hurt and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't even move it was like he was being held down and crippled by the weight of everything. The pounding in his head was turning into the wrath of God as it not only throbbed but burning; it felt like his head was twisting in on itself.

His hand was yanked away from his throat that it clawed at and he could barely make out the room in front of him. It disappeared as his vision blackened.

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Sunday, March 18, 2003_

_Approx. 10:01 AM_

Alex stared at the cell phone on the coffee table and debated whether or not to call him. He had been ignoring her calls all day yesterday, and today…She wasn't sure if he'd do the same. With Bobby it was hard telling. They were friends, but she really didn't know him that well; she didn't know his true self, the personal side of him. She only really knew the professional side of Bobby Goren. Even off-duty, he was always professional around her.

And not knowing what he'd do now with everything going so wrong was driving her crazy. She knew that she had to trust him to not do anything against himself. And she did trust him. She trusted him more than she could imagine. She trusted him to a fault. What if she trusted him too much and he did do something stupid?

She wanted to give him time and space like he wanted and asked for. He wouldn't want people around or someone's shoulder to cry on as he fell to pieces. He was too stubborn to give into anyone like that. How could a man as sensitive as Bobby block so many people out? Especially people who cared? She didn't understand. Maybe she would never understand.

Giving into her internal debate, she picked up her cell and pressed only two numbers. Instead of ringing, it went straight to voice-mail.

"You've reached Robert Goren; leave a message."

She sighed and spoke into the phone. "Hey, Bobby. Call me when you get this. Okay? Bye." She snapped the phone shut and stared at it; willing him to call her right back. She took another breath and flipped it open again. This time she had to look through her contacts to find the number. After five rings the answering machine clicked on.

"You've reached Robert Goren; I'm not home. Leave a message."

After the beep, she quickly rattled off the same thing she left on his cell's voice-mail and shut the phone close. She put the cell back on the table and picked up her laptop.

An hour later, she printed off the pages and stuffed them into the file folder. Grabbing her keys and her phone, she headed out the house and toward Bobby's apartment.

* * *

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Sunday, March 18, 2003_

_Approx. 1:11 PM_

Somewhere along the line, Bobby managed to pull himself together long enough to clean himself up and he made some progress in the bathroom. Earlier he'd woken up on the floor with a head-splitting ache in his head. It was a job trying to get up and into his bedroom before collapsing again. He'd slept for several hours as the pain in his head eased.

He was still groggy and needed to rest, but once he woke up his mind started going again. Cleaning the bathroom helped to take him mind off the thoughts and questions that plagued his head.

It felt justly in a way, mentally attacking his mind. And that kind of thinking was getting him into trouble. That guilt had been pulling and prying at him for so long it was actually welcomed. How screwed up was that? It wasn't right. He knew it wasn't right. He knew it all was wrong and he wasn't keeping himself protected anymore.

A rude awakening: that was what this whole thing had been. He had let himself believe that he was never going to step over that line. No matter what, he was never going to let his power to manipulate be used to destroy a person. He'd grown arrogant. He was always right, always in control, and he always knew what he was doing.

Finding out just how wrong he'd been was deeply unsettling. That knowledge was awakening a part of him he hadn't experienced in himself in a long time. A part of him that he kept buried and hidden in himself and never would touch upon. And now it was slapping him across the face so hard and fast there was no stopping it.

He should have been furious with Tim, but he wasn't. Tim had been a weak-minded man who'd been manipulated by Jared for so long that he wasn't truly responsible. And he had done the same thing to him. Instead of backing off, he had used his understanding of Tim to destroy him even more. It was sickening. He had understood him and instead of empathizing and feeling the hurt and confusion in Tim, he had felt nothing but anger and hatred.

And he didn't know for sure if it had everything to do with Alex or not, but he felt blame there. Blame that was pointed at her and that thought sickened him even more. That made everything worse. It wasn't her fault that Tim had killed Rebecca, thinking it was her, and then told him that he had killed her. Alex had no idea. So why was there blame there?

The slap across the face was that he wasn't likening himself anymore. Right now, leaning with his back pressed against the kitchen wall, he didn't like himself at all. He didn't like the man he had become in the past three months. It wasn't him, but it was. It was a part of him that he didn't like. It was the man in him that was angry and conflicted and insecure and damaged and a total mess. He was the man that was hidden behind walls and defenses. That man was weak and vulnerable.

His body and mind were tired of hiding. Tired of building walls and keeping people out, yet the possibility of letting anyone in was too painful that it was no wonder he was lashing out at everyone. Even though walls were thrown up, they didn't last as long and they weren't nearly as strong. He didn't feel strong anymore. It was too tiring to keep up the façade he was throwing around about being okay. He wasn't okay.

And he had no idea how to get back to okay. He was lost, desperate, and angry. It was unfamiliar territory he was venturing into. And he was sinking in on himself.

Something was vibrating. He looked over on the counter and saw his cell vibrating on top of the counter. He reached and picked it up. It was Alex. His thumb rubbed over the metal of his cell phone as he stared at it in his right hand. She had been calling all the time because she was worried. She wanted to help him. And he needed help. A single thought kept invading his mind over and over again. He wasn't going to make it.

He felt his knees start to give before he felt his body slide down the wall. The cell clenched in his hand and he feared that he was going to break it in half. It dropped to the tile floor as his grip loosened.

He rested his elbow on his knee and leaned his hand against his now empty right hand. He'd break if he tried talking to her. The cell came to life again, vibrating on the floor next to him. Bobby picked it up and looked at the display; it was Alex again. She wasn't going to stop calling. Taking a deep breath, he pressed 'talk'. "Goren."

"It's about time." Alex's voice was rushed and she sounded worried. There was a long moment when neither of them spoke. She was the first to break the silence. "Are you okay?"

Even though he expected that, Bobby still stiffened. "No." He was surprised at the honestly that rushed through him.

"I'm on my way there."

"You don't have to, Eames."

There was a frustrated sigh on her end as she took a breath. "I know you, but I want to, Bobby."

Bobby leaned his head back against the wall and started up at the ceiling. He didn't know what else to say.

"You're going to need…" she trailed off as she rephrased that. "I'll help you. I know how hard it is to get past something like this."

Bobby closed his eyes. She was referring to when Joe died. How did Alex deal with that tragedy? "I, um…" the tears started to sting the back of his eyes. "I'll, uh….I'm really fine now. Just, hearing you…It'll be fine. You don't have to come over."

Alex was quiet for a moment before saying, "Bobby, you're more than my partner…you're my friend. I'm coming over."

The emotion in her voice caused the tears he'd been holding in to fall. Wiping furiously at his face he shook his head into the phone. Bobby had to swallow down the tight lump in his throat or else he'd really sound bad. "Then I'll, uh, see you soon."

He didn't wait for a response before he flipped the cell shut. Bobby stared at it before pressing down on the 'end' button. After the screen went black and the phone shut down, he tossed it across the kitchen hearing it hit the floor and skid into the wall.

Sometime later, there was a noise off to his left. Bobby tilted his head a little and listened. Someone was pounding on his door. He groaned and shifted as he grabbed his cane and pulled himself up off the floor. His hair was still wet from the shower but he didn't care. It wasn't like he was going anywhere.

"Bobby!"

It was Alex. Bobby stood at the door for a moment and took a deep breath. He hadn't expected her to be there so soon. He wasn't ready for her yet; he was still a mess, but he couldn't take the guilt trip anymore. His head was throbbing from the self-inflicted trauma.

As soon as he opened the door, Alex pushed her way by him and stopped in the middle of the living room. "I've been out there was five minutes pounding on your door." She took a second to look him over before looking apologetic. "Were you in the shower? I'm--"

Bobby suddenly shook his head. "No. I was…" he glanced toward the kitchen and frowned. He was so lost in thought that he hadn't heard her. "Thinking."

"Oh," Alex said as her shoulders slumped. She suddenly looked unsure of not only what to say but also why she was there as she kept looking around the place instead of looking at him.

Bobby continued to watch her out of the corner of his eye as he went back into the kitchen. Sitting on the floor by the oven was his coffee cup he'd abandoned as his mind took over his sense of everything. "Want something to drink?" He opened his refrigerator and peered in. "Uh, I've got…coffee, and water." He shut the door and stared over at her. "I hadn't realized that I'm completely out of everything that's not boxed or canned."

Alex rested on his make-shift kitchen island and smiled slightly. "I threw everything out that would have spoiled. You can't live off of coffee, Goren."

"Huh, and here I thought I could. Coffee and…" he held up one of the protein drinks from the hospital. "This tasty stuff was all that I was prescribed."

Alex took the drink from him and winced. "This isn't going to help you eat the steak dinner I'm going to take you out for next week."

Bobby's eyes lit up as he slowly smiled. "You're taking me to dinner, Eames?"

"Yep, but you're still buying."

Bobby felt the laugh coming and he didn't try to stop it even as his throat hurt from doing so. "Of course I am; you wouldn't think I'd actually have my partner pay now would you?"

Alex suddenly looked up at him as her teasing smiled slid back down.

Bobby suddenly felt the sadness that was shown in her eyes. "You don't think I'm coming back," Bobby said quietly. He took of sip of the coffee and leaned against the wall next to the oven as more weight seemed to push him down. "To be honest, I'm not sure either." He tried to laugh a little at that, but it sounded forced and rushed. It was a painful realization.

"I don't think that." Alex was still staring at him. "Right now, you're just confused. Once you get back on track, you'll be you again."

Bobby wished he could believe that. Hearing Alex say that made him desperately want to believe it. She was so certain. Why couldn't he be that way? "I trust you." He didn't know why he said that, are what it meant, but there it was. He trusted her.

"I trust you too. And I trust that you'll get over this." Alex left the kitchen and went into the living room. She sat down in the recliner and smiled over at him. "We've got to talk. Come here."

Bobby rolled his eyes. He didn't want to talk, but he also didn't want to be alone. So, he ventured slowly into the living room and sat down on the couch, a few feet down from her. It was then that he noticed the file in her hand. How did he miss that? He was definitely not himself.

Alex held up the file and sat it in front of him on the coffee table. "I need you to take a look at this."

Bobby stared at it as he addressed her. "What is it?"

"A case."

Bobby glanced at her as he thumbed over the folder. "No, it's not." He eyed her and tilted his head. "It's about me, isn't it?"

Alex huffed out a breath of air. "Damn it, Goren, why can't you just read it over. It might help."

Bobby pushed the folder further up the table, distancing himself from it. "Maybe I don't want to read it over. I can deal with this without--"

"Deal with what? Come on, give me details."

Bobby glared at her and sighed in frustration. His leg was bouncing again as his hands intertwined. "With everything; with what I did to Tim."

"Is that the only thing that's bothering you? Because I don't think what you did to him was the end of the world."

Bobby rubbed at his face and nearly bit his hand. "It was to me."

Alex leaned back in the recliner and crossed her arms tightly in front of her. She wasn't budging. "Honestly, Goren, if you shot and killed him, would you try to pull a Frankenstein and bring him back to life?"

"It's not the same thing!" Bobby stared at her while he wrung his fingers together to the point of pain. "Why didn't I stop?" He pushed himself off the couch, grabbed his cane, and paced around the floor. "I told myself that I could never do that, to anyone."

"I bet when you told yourself that you never imagined that something like this would happen to you."

"I had him down, I could have gotten away, but I didn't…I went after him. I intentionally--"

"You intended to do that to him?" Alex stared up at him in confusion. "That was your intent that day, to mentally rape him?"

"No, I--"

"Bobby," Alex sat up straighter in the recliner and stared hard at him. "I know you know where I'm going with this. You had no intention in hurting him like that. You were angry and you weren't thinking straight; you thought that he had killed me and that he was going to kill you. And you reached your breaking point and you snapped. Aren't you the one that told me that the only real emotion was anger? And in that moment you felt that anger and you couldn't control it."

"I should have."

"Why? What makes you think you're so much better than anyone else? If it were anyone else, if it had been me, and I did that to him…or killed him, would you blame me? Would you tell me that I should have stopped? Or would you know and understand that there was nothing I could have done. That it wasn't my intention and that my anger got the best of me."

Bobby was staring at the floor, unable to look her in the eyes. He couldn't picture Alex there, in the cage, in the dark, afraid and hurt. That was an entirely different type of Hell that he didn't want to ever experience. Deep down, he knew she was right in what she was telling him. It was getting himself to accept it that was the hard part.

"You have to get yourself out of this guilt trip, Goren. It's not helping anyone, especially you. And quite frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I can deal with you angry, I can deal with the cold shoulder and the not talking to me, but what I can't deal with is you beating yourself up over something that you couldn't control, or wasn't your fault. You didn't ask to be taken. You didn't ask to be abused and told lies that made you feel that the only way to get back at the man that did it was to do…what you did."

He was tired of standing; he sat back down on the couch and let his head fall into his hands. His head was feeling so heavy; Bobby couldn't lift it to look at her as he said, "I thought he'd killed you. I could take it if it was just me, only me. But not you…"

"So, this is really about me, isn't it?"

"No."

"Bobby…_Goren_, look at me."

Bobby raised his eyes to her. He hadn't noticed that she had moved from the chair. She was sitting inches from him, on the coffee table, and tears clouded her light brown eyes.

"This isn't really about Tim, is it? It's about _me _and _you_. You're using him as a substitute for the real problem. Instead of dealing with us, you're guilt tripping over what you did to him." When he didn't respond she gestured toward the file. "Read it."

"It's not…that simple."

"Nothing with you ever is." Alex reached up and rubbed the tears away that he didn't know were running down his face.

They were hot tears of anger and sadness. His vulnerability was showing; he was feeling so weak and tired. It was hard to keep from breaking. "Every time…I look at you," Bobby heard his soft, slightly trembling voice say. "I keep…I keep thinking about what I did. I feel like…you made me do it. I know that I shouldn't feel that way; that it's wrong, but it won't stop." His voice broke on the last word as his body started to tremble. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm…" he trailed off as Alex pulled him into a tight embrace. His body stiffened but he didn't pull away.

"I used to wonder if a person could love another so much that it physically hurt, and then you were taken."

Bobby did pull back then as he searched her eyes intensely as he asked, "You…love me?" The confusion and surprise he felt radiated in those words.

"More than I'm afraid to admit."

Bobby had never felt so blindsided before in his life. There were too many emotions and thoughts spinning he didn't know which ones were real. He was happy to hear that, but at the same time he wasn't. That knowledge scared him deeply, yet he felt safe with her still. He still trusted her, maybe even more so now. It was the weirdest feeling.

Alex studied him seriously as she asked, "You're not going to freak are you?"

"I'm not…running off screaming, am I?" The smirked that formed on her face touched his heart. Bobby could feel some of the weight that was crushing him start to disappear. It was getting harder to think.

"Is that your way of agreeing with me?"

Bobby's smile was shy and easy, but he didn't answer that. He couldn't answer that, not yet. Alex loved him. Oh…shit. He took a deep breath and reached around her; he picked up the file that was on the coffee table. "It's uh…time to confront the truth. I'll give this a look." He turned the file over in his restless hands. "You obviously spent a lot of time on it."

Alex stared into his eyes until she was satisfied with what she was seeing. She gave a curt nod and got up. "Give me a call later…If you want," she quickly added.

Bobby heard the underlying meaning of that. It was his decision. When he was ready to talk, she'd be there.He nodded as he opened the file and leaned back against the couch. "It might," he looked up at her, "take awhile," he said slowly. He was going to need time to really think this over; not only the file but what had just happened between them.

His world was tilting just slightly with Alex's confession, but this time the panic was resting at bay.He figured as he heard Alex leave and started reading the file that it was a good change.

TBC…


	10. Never begins or ends where it should

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for there wonderful reviews!! I enjoy reading them all! Also, I'm going to be moving soon, this coming Sunday, so I won't be able to update as often, but I will always be writing and updating whenever I get a chance to. I'm already as good as done with this story, I have half the of the story I'm writing complete, and I'm in the middle of writing the sequel (yes, sequel) to this story. So, don't worry if I don't update for a while, I'm not abandoning this or any of my other stories.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Ch. 10: **

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Monday, March 19, 2003_

_Approx. 3:12 PM_

Bobby should have known that nothing ever started where he thought it did. Nor did anything end where it should have. Alex had been right and wrong. Yes, his inner torment wasn't revolving entirely around what he'd done to Tim. It had to do with _them_ as well. He hadn't planned on Alex being as permanently intertwined in his life as she had become. It wasn't something he wanted or something he was particularly excited about.

If he was being truly honest with himself, he was afraid. He was afraid of her and what she'd told him. So, he was in fact afraid of being completely and totally in love. It scared him more than anything. People he loved always made him live to regret it. And Alex loved him, but she was leaving what happened next up to him. That gave him the impression that nothing had to come of her feelings; he didn't have to love her back, or make anything out of it. They didn't have to start anything. They could love each other and be completely okay with not doing anything about it.

It was just there. And it was hanging around him like a noose. Love shouldn't feel like that.

That was the whole problem. It wasn't that he didn't want to be with her. He was certain that his actions spoke louder than his heart, and his words. He did love her. The thing was it could cost them everything they've both worked so hard for. She'd been married to a cop before, and for her to allow herself to feel that way about another cop, and her partner none-the-less, that seriously meant something. It meant everything to her. But so did their jobs, so did their partnership. If they got together, everything would change.

He was having trouble losing himself in the anxiousness that pushed at him of the idea of being with her. If he screwed-up and lost her as a partner, as a friend, and as a lover? Girlfriend? None of those set right with him. She was more than all those stupid titles combined. Anyway, if he lost her, in anyway, he'd be lost.

Was she as equally lost without him? Could she continue working with someone else? With Stone? Was that why she was telling him this now, just in case he didn't come back or they couldn't be partners?

Bobby rubbed at his head as he tossed the file down on the counter. With Alex's confession, more questions spurred in his head. More uncertainties, more changes. He still had to find some place to move to or else he was never going to sleep again. It'd been a full day since Alex had been there, since he last heard from her.

It was up to him. He could call her if he wanted to.

He looked around his apartment and felt the urge to burn it all. That was the last straw; he needed to get the hell out of his apartment before he went stir crazy.

Alex would be at work; so she might be at Major Case, or she'd be out around the city somewhere. He still couldn't drive yet, so he headed down the block, toward the subway. It wasn't until he was safely on a train seated beside a mother and her little boy that he let himself relax.

He was being impulsive, and a little paranoid. That was good though, it keep him sharp and alert when he wanted to do nothing but drift to sleep. He was completely aware of his surroundings. Wasn't it Charles Manson who said that total paranoia was just total awareness? He'd have to check one of his books he had at his desk at work to know for sure.

As he nervously glanced around, he spotted a man about fifty feet down from him who was eyeing a woman; well, not the woman but the woman's purse.

Bobby got up and slowly made his way down the moving train. He sat next to the woman who was reading a magazine and not paying attention to anything, and eyed the man intently. The man stared at him; a flash of anger sparked in his eyes before he leaned back and began sulking.

Complete awareness. Maybe he wasn't as gone as he thought he was. At least his instincts still worked right. It wasn't long that he felt the train come to a stop. Making his way through the rushing crowd, he cursed his injured knee and cane. He couldn't move very fast and people were pushing and colliding into him on both sides. It was mayhem around him. The growing amount of people around him was making him feel faint; it was hard to breathe with strangers standing that close to him.

Taking one shaky step after another, he managed to get up the stairs and out into air and daylight. His breaths came in gasps as he leaned against the side of a building and tried to ease the burning in his lungs. Getting used to the environment. He had to do it. He had to get out among people and light places again. The sense of claustrophobia finally settled and he turned to his left and made his way toward One Police Plaza.

He should have called first. Alex might not even be there; she might be all the way in Queens or the Bronx or on Staten Island. He had no idea because he wasn't with her. Stone was. Jealousy rose in his chest and clenched his hands. He'd never been jealous before in his life, but just the thought of Alex working with another man sent his anger in high gear.

This was going to be another mistake. He could already feel it.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Monday, March 19, 2003_

__

Approx. 4:20 PM

"You were out of line."

Stone stopped in front of her and turned around so he could face her. "Out of line? I got the guy to cooperate didn't I?"

Alex stared at the detective and crossed her arms. "You didn't get anything except thrown out of the interview room. You bullied him, threatened him."

"Hey, that's how I do my job. It's not unlike anything your ex-partner hadn't done."

Alex felt the anger boil inside her but she didn't yell; instead, she leveled him with a stare that would send any man running. "_Goren_ has never bullied or threatened a witness. He has ethics, unlike you. And I agree with all his tactics, or at least see how it'd help the case. What you did was completely wrong. Do you have any idea how much damage control I had to do in there to get him to talk to me again?"

"And it worked. Good cop," Stone pointed to her and then pointed to himself. "Bad cop."

Alex rolled her eyes and started away from him. "Tell me something I _don't_ know." She picked up her files off her desk and headed toward a conference room. "I'm working in the conference room, alone. If Deakins asks, tell him as senior partner it's my call not to work with you right now."

Going into the room, she shut the door behind her and drew the blinds shut.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Monday, March 19, 2003_

_Approx. 4:32 PM_

Bobby tried to avoid as many people as possible, and as many stares, but it wasn't working. Everyone, even the janitors, was watching him closely as he entered One Police Plaza. He clipped his ID to his shirt and made his way as quickly as he could toward the elevators. Thankfully they were all unoccupied and he had no problem riding it up to the eleventh floor.

It wasn't until the doors opened and he spotted the familiar brick and blue wall that he took a deep breath to try and steady himself. He should have called, but he wasn't thinking too clearly. All he knew was that he needed to not be alone, to not be in his apartment, and to try and make progress; one way or the other.

He figured the first person he would see was Deakins. Taking a hesitant step out of the elevator and onto the floor, he willed down the urge to turn around and leave. The walk down the hall was familiar but not in anyway easy. People he recognized from the department came to a stop when they saw him. He kept his head down, only taking glances at them and trying for a tight smile as they stared and whispered to each other. His hearing was back to normal so he didn't know what they were saying. That was a good thing; he didn't want to know.

The commotion in the bullpen was loud as detectives, colleagues, went about work discussing cases and leads, or take-out menus. As he stepped through the open doors and headed straight for Deakins office, and suddenly hearing everything silent, he felt his body trembling. He was tunneled vision on the door to the Captain's office, he didn't want to see the detectives staring at him. His grip on his cane tightened as he neared the office.

Tapping lightly on the door, he heard Deakins behind it.

"Come in."

Bobby didn't wait a second longer before he opened the door, slipped in, and then shut it just as quickly.

Deakins saw him and he too was silent for a moment before he smiled wide. "Bobby, what're you doing here?"

Bobby sat down heavily in the chair and let out a breath he'd been holding. He glanced out the glass windows and saw that he was still being watched, but not as noticeably. When he turned back to Deakins, he didn't know where to start. "Uh…I wanted to know, my status."

Deakins looked confused for a minute. Then he also looked out into the Major Case bullpen and leaned back in the chair. "Your status is, when you're ready to come back, and you get the okay from the department shrink, your badge will be waiting for you."

"And…my partner?"

Deakins smiled. "Oh yeah. Alex is desperately wanting you back, Goren."

That was good. He needed to hear that. To hear that he was still wanted, not only by Alex but by the department. Bobby leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling as he closed his eyes. He was feeling more relaxed now that he was hearing all these things from his Captain. Deakins had his respect, his trust, and his loyality. It was reassuring that he also had that from Deakins. "Thank you, sir."

"I want you back to, Bobby. You know that, right?"

Bobby opened his eyes and glanced at him. "Yeah, I do." He shifted up in the seat and looked back out into the bullpen. Alex's desk was empty, but there was a man leaning over it reading through a file. "Is that Stone?"

Deakins looked over at Alex's desk. "Yep. You remember him?"

Bobby nodded. "A little. He transferred in that Thursday, before I was taken. I only met him once. He was cocky."

Deakins huffed out a laugh. "Now, he's more than just cocky. Alex hates him."

Bobby smirked and got up. "You have no idea how I enjoy hearing that."

Deakins watched him as he made his way to the door. "Alex is in the conference room, pulling double duty and trying not to do anything unruly, like chew Stone out over an incident during a interview."

"So," Bobby said as he stared hard over at the man who was still hunched over Alex's desk. "She's working alone in there? How long has she been up?"

"I called them out Sunday evening; like I said, she's pulling a double, maybe even a triple if she stays late."

Bobby looked around the room at all the other detectives. He was sure he could handle them if it meant being able to get to see Alex for a while. "Do you mind if I stay? Maybe I can persuade her to take a break."

Deakins was eyeing him as he thought that over. "If you can't get her to take a break, I don't know who can. Sure, just…Don't try to solve the case or anything."

Bobby smirked as he opened the door. "I'll try not to."

He didn't bother heading to the conference room right then. Instead, he headed toward the break room to get them both a much needed cup of coffee. Even if she had one, she always swore that he made her cup better. As he crossed the room, he finally dared to glance around at the other detectives. They were still watching him, but their looks weren't ones of hostility or confusion, but of acceptance and sympathy.

The acceptance he could take, but he didn't need anyone's sympathy or pity. Once in the break room, he briefly wonder how he was going to carry two cups of coffee when he realized if he opted for the to-go cups, he could put lids on them and carry them on top of each other in one hand. He made Alex's cup first and when he started in on his, he heard someone come in the room.

He glanced over his shoulder and spotted Stone going up to the coke machine. Stone was mumbling to himself about something as he selected a drink. Bobby went back to preparing his cup when he heard Stone behind him.

"So, you're Goren."

Bobby turned his head back and eyed him. "Yeah. We've, uh…met before."

Stone nodded a little. "That was before the whole thing; I just didn't know if you'd remember meeting me or not."

Bobby was taken back by that but didn't give it much thought. He could already see why Alex despised working with him. "My memory's just fine." He felt Stone move up beside him.

"Can I ask you something? You know, man-to-man?"

Bobby had a feeling he wasn't going to like this one bit. He sat his cup down and turned his attention to Stone. "Sure; go ahead."

Stone leveled him with a look as he asked, "Is Alex always like that?"

Bobby blinked back at the use of his partner's first name, and the way the question was asked. "Excuse me?" His hands started to pulse at his side, and Stone had no idea how close he was becoming to have one of them collide with his face.

"Alex? Is she always, you know…trying to bust your balls and act like, well, a bitch."

Bobby didn't think; he just reacted. He grabbed Stone by his suit jacket and slammed him against the coke machine. "What'd you just call my partner?"

Stone was shocked; staring wide-eyed at him. "Let go of me! I didn't mean anything by it."

Bobby gripped Stone jacket tighter as he pushed him harder into the machine, causing Stone's feet to come off the floor. As Stone began kicking at him, and trying to squirm out of his grip, Bobby felt two people, one on each side of him, pulling him off the frightened, arrogant detective. He caught sight of Richie on one side of him as he heard Matthews on the other side.

"Drop him, Goren."

"Yeah, let the punk go, Bobby."

Bobby did as he was told, he let go and watched as Stone dropped to the floor and stumbled to the side.

Stone straightened his jacket as he stared at him. "What's the matter with you? I didn't do anything."

Bobby pushed the two other detectives off him as his eyes bore into Stone's. "He degraded my partner right in front of me; called Eames a bitch. He's lucky I didn't beat his head in!"

Stone stepped back and flinched as he had three sets of eyes staring at him. "Well, she's been acting like one."

Bobby tried to rush him again but Matthews had him around the chest and pulled him back.

"Easy, Goren. Let him talk. The last thing you need right now is to be reprimanded by the Captain over fighting in the squad."

Bobby looked at Matthews. He knew he was right, but that didn't make him feel less like slamming Stone's head into the wall.

"You cool, now?"

Bobby relaxed in the man's grip. "Yeah, I'm cool."

Matthews let him go and eyed Stone. "You better get the hell out of here."

Stone didn't wait around as he immediately left the room.

Bobby watched him go and sighed heavily as he looked at the two detectives. "I…"

Richie shook his head. "No need to apologize, Goren. Stone had it coming."

"Yeah," Matthews agreed. "About a month ago, the asshole ignored Eames telling him to never put coffee on her desk in the morning, because you always did that. And she walked right up to him and poured it on his head."

Bobby stood still as he tried his process that. Alex? His partner poured coffee over someone's head? "He must have really ticked her off," he finally said with a grin. He knew Alex was tough, but she really showed some guts by doing that, and in the office in front of everyone. He went over to the counter and put his cup on top of the other and grabbed his cane.

"I can help with that," Richie offered.

Bobby shook his head, "Thanks, Rich, but I've got it."

He headed toward the conference room with his head held a little higher as he looked over his shoulder and Richie and Matthews who were going back to their desks. The rest of the people in the room were blissfully displaying ignorance to the situation, and Deakins office door was still closed. Stone was nowhere in sight. Bobby placed his cane on the doorknob as he turned it.

Alex was sitting with her back to him at the table. "If that's you Stone, I'm busy."

Bobby chuckled as he sat a cup down beside her. "Are you too busy for me?" he asked shut the door behind him.

Alex watched him sit down beside her, stunned. "What're you doing here?"

Bobby took a sip of the coffee and gestured around the table. "I heard you had a photo gallery."

Alex smiled sarcastically at him. "Oh, I've got tons of photos for your viewing pleasure." She took the cup and took a long drink off it. "How do you do that? I swear it tastes one-hundred percent better than how I make it."

Bobby smirked as he took a file from the stack beside her and flipped it open. "I promised Deakins that I'd get you to take a break, but…" he leaned back in the chair and began studying the file. "If you need help?"

Alex yanked the file out his hand. "You can look at photos, Goren, but not the actual files."

Bobby rolled his eyes as he glanced around the table. "This is chaos. Got any tape?"

A half-hour later, Bobby had the photos taped up all over the room; they were easier to look at that way. "You see it?" he asked Alex as he stepped back from a picture he was looking at.

"You mean the glare on her glasses?"

The photos they were looking at were still shots from the video footage the killer recorded. The killer had then sent the video of him killing the victim, Georgina Banks, to the police department and a couple of media outlets.

Bobby nodded. "We need to get that down to forensics, maybe they can blow it up. That glare, it's from the camera. A small hand held digital video camera. You never hold a camera like that in front of your face., you hold it down. So, the killer's face might be reflected in her lens." He didn't need to see the actual footage to understand what happened to the victim, and how. The still pictures were telling, and each frame highlighted a frozen detail of how she was murdered. "I uh, think we're dealing with a serial, Eames." Bobby glanced back at her as he gestured to the photos. "He wants attention, he seeks it. And now that he has it, he won't stop. He's the star on every news channel and computer blog."

"Did you read that file I gave you?"

Bobby stopped his rambled explanation and looked at her over his shoulder. "Yeah. Oh," he turned and leaned over the table, "speaking of that. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, a check-up for my knee, and I was going to also have a talk with Roberts. I'm…going to need a ride."

Alex finished off the cup of coffee and turned in the chair and got up. "What time?"

"Uh, nine is the appointment, so I probably won't get out until three."

Alex nodded as she opened the door. "I'll let Deakins know that I'm playing your chauffer tomorrow."

Bobby watched as she left and returned his focus onto the photos as he sat down at the table. He was glad he'd come back to the office. He was starting to feel like himself again; working out a problem logically and not letting his emotions run wild. That was what he needed, some stability. Something to show him that he was doing okay, not just hearing it or trying to convince himself of it.

He needed proof. And here was proof. His mind was still intact, though slightly jumbled and confused, but that didn't stop who he was. A slow, easy smile spread over his face as he leaned back in the chair.

He was back, if only mentally. Emotionally was something else entirely. Bobby heard the door open and he watched as Alex re-entered with Deakins and Stone behind her. He inwardly cringed at the presence of Stone in the room, but he was Alex's partner for now.

Deakins shut the door and looked over the room before addressing him. "So, tell us more about this serial we might be dealing with."

* * *

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Monday, March 19, 2003_

__

Approx. 7:17 PM

Bobby glanced at Alex who was smiled at him smugly. Yes, sir, he was back in the game.

Bobby sat in the passenger seat of Alex's car and glared up at his apartment building. It had been a very productive day. After two hours of being given the o.k. by Deakins to review the files, he had made them a pretty solid profile of their suspect, and hopefully they would know what he looked like by tomorrow afternoon.

Staring up at his apartment, he didn't want to go in. He knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep, and if he did it'd be on his couch. Bobby looked over at Alex. "Thanks, for today."

"I didn't do anything. If you hadn't shown up…Why did you go there?"

Bobby looked away, back out onto the sidewalk. "I don't know. I just, had to. I'm glad I did. I feel…better. More like my old self."

Alex smiled warmly at him. "That's good. Let's hope Dr. Roberts feels the same way."

Bobby really hoped that too. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Bright and early. Have coffee ready for me, or else you're walking."

Bobby got out of the car and smiled over at her as he leaned into the window. "I still don't have an answer yet." He didn't have to explain for her to know what he was referring to.

"Do I look like a person who rushes things?"

Bobby felt like laughing at that, so he did. "I don't know, Eames. After I found out you showered Stone with coffee, anything's possible."

"Hey," Alex was really giggling now. "He had it coming."

Bobby liked the way she laughed, freely and open. The way her eyes lit up and twinkled when she did. He was going to have it bad now that he knew she how she felt about him. "I'm not complaining. All right, drive safe. And I'll have plenty of coffee for you tomorrow."

"I'll hold you to it." And with a beautiful smile and slight hand wave, Alex drove off.

Yep, bad, bad, bad. Bobby headed into the apartment building had headed up to his floor. The elevator was slow and it gave him time to remember that smile on Alex's face as she drove off. The doors opened and he leaped off, his knee was really starting to hurt him. He'd been up on it too long. As he looked up, toward his door, he saw a man in front of it. The man was knocking on his door.

Bobby eased up to him and the man turned and eyed him.

"Are you Robert Goren?" the man asked as he approached him.

Bobby slowly nodded. "Who are you?"

The man held out an envelope.

Bobby eyed it closely as he took it. "What's--"

"Mr. Goren," the man interrupted him. "You've been served."

Bobby felt the floor drop from under him. He tore the envelope open as he watched the man go to the elevator and leave. Pulling the paper out, he read it over. The headline caused his body to sway as he leaned up against his door. 'The Family of Timothy Landy vs. Robert Goren'.

He was being sued.

TBC...


	11. Going to take more than one night

**A/N: Okay, I'm back!! Wow, what a long week of moving, but all I have to say is it's good to be home! Here's ch.11 for all you patient people. Also, thanks so very much for the new reviewers and readers!!**

**Enjoy!!**

* * *

**Ch. 11: **

_Bobby Goren's Apartment_

_Monday, March 18, 2003_

_Approx. 9:56 PM_

_Where was she? She was taking too long? Did she decide not to come? He called her and asked her if she could come over, but it's been almost two hours. Where in the--_

Bobby heard banging on his door and a muffled voice that sounded exactly like Alex's. As soon as he pulled the door open he handed her the papers in his hand and blurted out, "I'm being sued!"

Alex stopped in the middle of the room as she read the papers over. "Bobby, you can file to have an Inquest."

"That won't help." He had already thought of that. Bobby paced around the floor as his hand pulsed and clenched over the cane. He was getting sick of having to use the damn thing all the time. "I've thought about it. The jury won't find what I did Excusable because it wasn't. And I won't make it sound that it should be. I could have left him in the dark and alone down there; I could have locked him in there and left him to the cops, but I didn't. Heat of the moment, temporary insanity, whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter. At best the jury would find it Justifiable; a-a lawful act with no intent to kill, or in my case, make their son a vegetable. Either way, they can still sue me for what I did to him!"

Alex was watching him pace around and gesturing all over the place, even picking his cane up to emphasize words and thoughts. "Bobby. What about what he did to you? The judge isn't going to just ignore that. They won't get anything out of this. They're just trying to cope and find closure the only way possible right now and suing is the only thing they've got because they can't file criminal charges."

Bobby stopped pacing and breathlessly eyed her. "What if they win, Eames? I mean, hell, a thief who broke into a man's house won his civil suit against the owner for having knives out on the counter that he fell on."

"They're not going to beat you in this. The NYPD and Commissioner will back you."

"They're not suing the NYPD, Eames! They're suing me! The department won't back me up over this. It's not their problem! _I'm_ not their problem anymore!" Bobby was starting to feel trapped and hopeless. _What was he going to do? Would Carver help him in this? _"I have to talk to Carver. I have to be able to talk with his family, Eames. Maybe I can…explain, you know. Let them know that I-I didn't mean it. That I want to help get him back. You think they'll let me do that? See him?" He was pleading with her to answer questions that she possibly couldn't.

"Bobby," Alex tried to calm him. "You need to breathe, okay. Relax."

"Relax," he shot back. "How am I supposed to relax? I can't relax here." Bobby gestured over the whole apartment. "I can't sleep…I haven't slept since I've been back here and only then its been a few hours when I pass-out from having a damn panic attack!" He was saying too much, being too angry, but he couldn't control it. Everything was sinking in and he could feel himself sinking along with it. His head was feeling light and dizzy. It was getting harder to stand as the apartment tilted in his vision. "I appreciate what you did, with the carpet and the bed…but, I can't stay here. Not with knowing what happened. Oh, God, I haven't even seen her family yet. Were they mad at me for bringing her here? Do they blame me for what happened?" His mind was running with every fear and question he had jammed in there ever since he was taken, ever since was free.

He didn't feel free, especially right then.

"Bobby…"

He heard Alex's voice cut through the fog in her head. _Jesus, why did he ask her to come here for? So he could take his frustration out on her? No, he needed someone to calm him down, someone to make him see things logically while his emotions were running wild and hurting him more._

She gripped his shoulders and tried to look him in the eye. "You're going to faint if you don't breathe, Goren. C'mon, relax. We can deal with this okay, but you need to calm down and listen to me."

Bobby's frustration broke and he didn't want her there anymore. He pushed her away from him and stood shocked still as he watched her stumble back and trip to the floor. Disgust filled his chest and stomach as he realized what he'd just done. "I'm sorry," he mumbled quickly before he turned away.

Alex was suddenly rounding him. She held out her arm and shoved him back before he could make it to his bedroom door. She was shaking her head as she said, "Not this time, Bobby. You're not disappearing on me."

Bobby went to walk around her when she shoved him back again, harder. "But I…_pushed _you."

"Yeah, and I shoved you. What're you going to do about it?" Alex leveled him with her eyes and calmly told him, "You're right; you can't stay here if you can't sleep. You need to sleep or else your going to really hurt yourself." Then she commanded him, "Pack a bag, you're going to my place."

Bobby went to protest when she cut him off.

"Goren! Pack a bag, grab your medication, and then get your ass down to my car. Now."

Bobby blinked back at her and sighed in defeat. What could he say to that?

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Monday, March 19, 2003_

_Approx. 11:28 PM_

Bobby was barely walking as he made his way up the stairs into the dark apartment.

"I should have left my lights on," Alex mumbled as she searched around for the light switch.

The room suddenly brightened and Bobby dropped his bag on the couch as he looked around. It was very…homely and warm, unlike his apartment. His place could have doubled for an office. "You've got a nice place," he told Alex as she tossed her keys onto the coffee table and headed for the hallway.

"Thanks, I try to make it decent."

Bobby sat down on the couch next to his bag and leaned back. He closed his eyes and immediately felt like he could sleep for days. He just might. Noises came from down the hall as Alex began doing whatever it was she was doing. He was too tired to try and tell what it was. Showering? Getting ready for bed? Wishing she hadn't brought him there? Hearing the noises stop and then a door opening, he turned and spotted Alex heading into the kitchen.

"Do you want to talk right now or wait until tomorrow?"

Bobby peered over at her through half-closed eyelids. "I'm…" he rubbed at his head. He didn't know what he wanted to do. "Uh, what're you doing?"

Alex smiled a little at him. "Making tea, then going to bed. I need to relax myself."

Bobby shifted up and got to his feet. "Tea sounds good. Maybe it'd relax me as well." He followed her into the kitchen and sat down at the small island in the middle of it. "Thanks, for…uh, coming over tonight. And, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry."

Alex sat the kittle down on the burner and pulled down two cups. "I'm not. You had every right to be angry about it."

"Still, I shouldn't have taken it out on you." He rested his head into his propped up left arm and stared over at her. "What're we going to do?"

"Talk to Carver tomorrow, and Roberts, see if they can get you a meeting with Landy's family."

Bobby smiled gently over at her when she turned around with the two cups in her hand. "I meant…a-about us."

Alex stilled for a second. Bobby watched as red crept up her neck. "Oh."

Bobby took the offered mug in his hand and smelt the aroma of the tea. It was Chai; taking a cautious sip so not to burn his tongue, he watched as she sat across from him and did the same. "I haven't given you an answer because...well," he rubbed at his head with his bandage left hand and tried to think clearly, "I'm not sure what you want from me."

"Can you explain that," Alex asked tentatively.

Bobby sighed and took a longer sip from the tea. "I don't want to get married…ever. My parents divorced and I can't deal with putting anyone through that, especially someone I loved enough _to_ marry." He then looked around the kitchen and spotted some tell-tell signs of children being the apartment. Alex's nieces. "I like kids, but I don't want to have any." He leveled Alex with a serious look. "I could never play Russian-Rolette with a child, and hope they don't develop Schizophrenia or some other type of mental disorder. So," he sat the cup down and shifted in his seat. "I'm not sure what you want from me when I can't offer you anything except me and my problems. And believe me, that's not even an offer, but a fucking nightmare."

Alex sat silent for a while; Bobby figured she was taking it all in and was realizing that he wasn't worth it. That he wasn't a man to plan your future around, just someone there for the time being. He was reminded of his last girlfriend; they had been together for four months and she knew everything Alex knew now. Then one day she told him she met somebody else, someone who wanted marriage, 2 1/2 kids, and big house with a white picket fence. Within a week they were over and he was back to being alone.

It always happened that way, so he never let himself get too attached, fall too deeply. Alex somehow had done the impossible by getting so attached to him that he had no choice but to fall deeply for her, if she wanted him too.

As Bobby continued to sip slowly at the tea and look anywhere but at the woman across from him, he could feel him losing her already. Alex was going to shut them down before they ever got started. Which would be for the best; he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want them to be four months down the road and then her find out he wasn't going to give her a life she wanted. They could remain partners, and maybe even be really good friends now or something, but not together; not intimately. He could deal with that if it made her happy.

"I don't want to get married again, Bobby."

He flinched at the sudden soft voice that broke the silence. Bobby looked up at her and saw the seriousness in her eyes.

Alex smiled over at him again. "I've been there, done that, and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to walking down the aisle anytime soon, maybe never again."

Bobby was letting that sink in. It was still a possibility though. "And…children?"

Alex rolled her eyes at him. "I'm a detective with the Major Case Squad, when would I have time to be a mother?"

Bobby went to speak but stopped himself. "You could always not work."

Alex stared over at him like he just told her something incredibly stupid. Maybe he had. "I love my job just as much as you do. And how you feel about playing Russian-Rolette with a child is about the same way I feel about being a working mom, having to rely on babysitters and other people to raise my child. I couldn't do it. I couldn't work, but I would want to. I knew a long time ago that I wasn't meant to be a parent. I love being an Aunt. I get to spend time with my nieces and pretend to be a mom of a little while, but at the end of the day, I get to give them back."

Bobby chuckled and finished off the tea. "So, that's what it's like to be an Aunt, huh?"

Alex smirked and raised her cup. "Yep, and I enjoy every minute of it."

Bobby thought that over and shook his head. "I couldn't imagine being Uncle Bobby to anyone."

"Well, I think you could be a wonderful Uncle. I mean, just your knowledge of cars alone would earn you Brownie points. And magic, my nieces love magic."

"I could show them a few card tricks," Bobby off-handedly announced. He was thinking too much about it. He and Alex weren't even an item yet and he was thinking about some card tricks he knew. _How did the conversation derail this much? And when did he exactly forget all about the lawsuit?_ He blinked back and glanced over at Alex. A slow, easy smile formed on his face as he said, "Thanks."

Alex was confused as she looked over at him. "For what?"

Bobby shrugged as he got up and put his cup in the sink. "I'm relaxed, aren't I?"

Alex leaned her head back and looked at him. "Oh, then, you're welcome."

Bobby grinned down at her and hesitated for a brief moment before he leaned down and kissed her forehead before heading out of the kitchen. "I'm tired; and I think now I can actually get some sleep. Does this couch pull out?"

"Yeah."

Bobby glanced over his shoulder, Alex was right behind him. He tossed the bag to the floor and began pulling the cushions off the couch. "Good, cause this couch is way to small for me."

With Alex's help they were able to move the coffee table and pull the bed out. It wasn't too bad; he'd slept on worse things like a cot in the middle of Korea. Bobby sat on the edge of the bed and tested it out. It was actually comfortable, and there was no bar digging into his back as he lied down.

"Is it okay?"

Bobby looked over at her as he responded, "Feels pretty good, better than my lazy-boy."

Alex seemed hesitant to leave him alone. "Okay; don't be shy if you need something."

Bobby frowned up at her. "I'm not a child, you know."

Alex picked up a cushion and tossed it at him. "Smartass."

Bobby laughed as he watched her turn and head down the hall. He stared up at the ceiling as he listened to the silence that suddenly engulfed the apartment. In minutes, he was asleep.

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Tuesday, March 20, 2003_

_Approx. 7:25 AM_

He'd actually slept the whole night and now he was feeling like he could think clearly. He still wasn't a hundred percent, but he was feeling calmer. His bout of insomnia over the last few days had caused him a lot of problems, including his inability to think properly and his irritability. It was amazing how a good nights rest did for a person. He wasn't feeling as anxious or overwhelmed.

Also, the depression he'd been feeling wasn't as suffocating as it had been. He knew it would take time for him to get over what had been done to him, what he had done to Tim, and now, even with the lingering lawsuit over his head, it was starting to feel more manageable. He felt like he could take control again. He just needed to keep himself healthy, and that included sleepy and eating right.

Alex didn't have much in breakfast food, but she did have eggs and pancake mix. The coffee pot was full of the freshly brewed coffee and he sipped on a hot cup as he heard the shower water cut off in the bathroom. By the time he finished the eggs, Alex was coming into the kitchen.

"You're the best man ever."

Bobby smiled over at her as he dished out the eggs onto two plates, next to the pancakes. "It's the least I can do, to uh, thank you again for everything." He watched as she filled a cup with coffee before sitting at the kitchen island. Placing a plate down in front of her, he pulled a chair out and sat down next to her. "Good?" he asked as he took a bite.

"It's delicious. Thank you," she told him before asking, "So, your appointment is at nine, right?"

Bobby glanced at the clock and nodded. "You going to drop me off?"

"Yeah, then if you don't call me earlier, I'll be there at three to pick you up." Alex smiled over at him.

Bobby let himself watch her for a moment, taking in that warm smile that still lingered. "Then what? Back here or…?" He didn't want to think about going back to his apartment.

"Well, I was thinking, and with Deakins permission, you could come back to Major Case with me and continue helping on that serial case."

Bobby felt a spur of excitement at that. "I'd like that. I'm sure you and…uh," just thinking about Stone made his blood boil. "Stone could handle it."

Alex was eyeing him as she took a long drink of the coffee. "We're going to need your help though, to profile him. Neither Stone or I can do that." After a moment she said, "You don't like him."

Bobby huffed out a laugh at that. He balled up a napkin and tossed it down on his empty plate. "He doesn't respect you; I despise him." He took a wary glance at her as he told her, "He, uh, c-called you a bitch."

Alex seemed stunned at that, and angry. "He did? When"

Bobby shifted uncomfortable in his seat. "Yesterday; I was, uh, getting you a cup of coffee and he came in and wanted to talk to me. What he did was bad-mouth you. I think he thought I would agree or something. Then he called you that and…and, uh…"

"And what?" Alex was staring at him, waiting for him to continue.

Bobby rubbed at the back of his neck. "I, threw him--"

"You _threw_ him?"

"It was into the coke machine. He's fine, I didn't hurt him." Bobby stared right back at her before picking up his plate and started to clean up the mess of dishes he made.

"Did he tell the captain?"

Bobby shook his head as he cleaned off the plate. "No. It was, you know, between us. Besides, if he would've told Deakins about what happened he would have been reprimanded for not only exciting me but for what he said about you." He felt Alex come up next to him and put her dish down in the soapy water.

"You can leave the rest," she told him. "We have to leave now or else you'll be late."

Bobby finished rinsing the plate and emptied the water out of the sink. Grabbing his cane and double checking he had everything he needed, he followed Alex out of the apartment.

* * *

_St. Anthony's Mercy Hospital_

_Tuesday, March 20, 2003_

_Approx. 9:03 AM_

Bobby tapped the cane against the floor as he waited to be seen. He couldn't get Alex out of his head. It seemed like they were actually going to try and make something work between them. He was still being cautious about the whole situation; he didn't want to fall too hard too fast and end up hurt, or worse. And Alex could probably succeed at making him end up worse than hurt. She could burn him, bad. Destroy him if he ever gave her a chance, the opportunity; and it really unnerved him that he was willing to give her just that.

Alex deserved better, he kept telling himself that. She deserved someone not so insecure, not so afraid, and not so…damaged. But she loved _him_. She was willing to not have a regular life with a family for someone so terribly afraid of all that. He realized just then that Alex had already fallen hard. He could really hurt her, no matter how unintentional, he could really, _really_ cause her a lot of pain.

He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. _What am I getting myself into?_

"Bobby?"

He opened his eyes slowly to be staring into the blue ones of Dr. Jefferies. Bobby immediately straightened and stood. "Morning, Dr. Jefferies." They shook hands as Jefferies looked him over.

"You seem to be doing well. You've gained some weight, but not nearly enough as you should have by now."

Bobby felt the tension and blush of embarrassment creep up his neck. "I'm eating more and more solid food every day. It's just, the, uh…protein drink."

Jefferies frowned a little. "What about it?"

Bobby rubbed at his neck as they started walking to an observation room. "Well, I don't like it."

Jefferies peered over at him. "I'm guessing that you've been refusing to drink it."

Bobby shrugged. "There're other things I can drink besides that stuff."

"It's not just protein, Bobby; it contains all the nutrients you need, that you've been deprived of, and it's to help you gain the much needed weight back. Have you been feeling faint, or dizzy lately?"

Bobby had to think about that. "No, not really. Look," as he entered the room he turned around and faced the doctor, "I'm not trying to be…difficult. I was letting you know that I don't like it, but…I'll try to drink as much as I can."

Jefferies studied him for a moment before nodding. ""All right; now," he grabbed a gown and tossed it to him, "strip and put this on. I'll be back in five to take you to x-ray."

Bobby watched Jefferies leave before eyeing the gown. He groaned but did as he was told.

* * *

_St. Anthony's Mercy Hospital_

_Tuesday, March 20, 2003_

_Approx. 1:18 PM_

Bobby stilled outside the office door. He raised his hand to knock but immediately dropped it back to his side. His actions were ridiculous; he was behaving like a stubborn child and he knew it. In his whole life he never liked to admit when he was wrong. He was wrong sometimes, and every time he never like the feeling. There were times when he was wrong about a case, but that was rare. He had great instincts backed by incredible knowledge that helped him be right most of the time.

This time he'd been blinded. He had been wrong from the very beginning and it was time to face up to it. To be a man and raise his hands in defeat. He raised his hand again but this time he knocked. Hearing a muffled 'come in' behind the door, Bobby turned the knob and walked into the office.

Roberts was seated behind his desk and looked genuinely surprised to see him. "Bobby. Have a seat," he offered.

Once seated, Bobby didn't know what to do or say. He glanced around the office and noticed a few things he failed to see his first time there. There was a certificate hanging on the wall behind Roberts; it was from the University of Chicago. On a bookcase off to the side, there were photo frames lining it of various places, people, and one had a comic strip incased in it. It was from a 'Peanuts' cartoon. Charlie Brown was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The line read 'Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."'

"My wife."

Bobby jerked his head toward the voice. He hadn't realized that he was staring at the quote. "'Cuse me?"

Roberts smirked and pointed over to the comic strip. "My wife gave me that. She thought it was cute. Every week she gives me a new one to put in there. Last week Charlie Brown was telling how unrequited love took the taste out of peanut butter."

Bobby smiled at the frame before looking back at Roberts. "It does."

Roberts grinned and leaned back in the chair. "So, tell me, Bobby. What brings you back here?"

Bobby shifted his gaze to the floor and eyed the grey and blue carpet. "Eames gave me a file the other day." He heard movement but didn't look up. "It was about my case." He took a deep breath and looked up at Roberts who was leaning on the desk and writing something down.

Roberts returned the stare as he asked, "Did you read it?"

Bobby nodded and glanced around the office again. "_And_," he said it like he knew that was what Roberts was going to say next. "I'm ready to…deal with it. I mean, really deal with it. After I read it," he continued after a moment, "it made some things clearer, like my actions, my behavior, my…pathology." His voice was slow in coming as his mind struggled to relay what he was thinking and feeling into words. Even his hands were having trouble flowing smoothly as he made small, uneven gestures. "It was beyond my control. My actions were in response to the torment I'd been subject to. I'm not at fault."

Roberts was slowly nodding; he had yet to smile and reassure him that he was satisfied in what he was hearing. "Do you believe that to be the truth?"

Bobby eyed the desk in front of him and nodded. "Yeah," he locked eyes with Roberts. "I do."

"Why?"

_Because Alex told me so. _Bobby felt the urge to smile at that sudden thought. He did give a small smirk as he said, "It's the truth, why shouldn't I believe it?"

Roberts finally gave up a grin as he grabbed his coffee cup and stood. "Want a cup?"

"Yeah, sure." Bobby finally relaxed in the chair and looked back toward the picture frame that held the image of Charlie Brown lying in bed. "How long have you been married?"

"Going on seven years."

Bobby turned his attention back to Roberts and took the offered cup. "Thanks. Are you happy?" When Roberts only stared at him in confusion, he gestured to the frame. "With being married, I mean."

Roberts's smile was warmed with content. "Extremely happy. My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me."

Bobby could tell that every word of it was true. "That's rare, you think? In my line of work, I don't see many happy people, let alone happy married couples."

"Bobby, I could probably talk to you all day about my take on marriage and how rare I think a happy one is." Roberts was taking him in, looking him over and trying to stare pass his barriers. "Did something happen?"

Bobby took a drink from the coffee and tried not to stiffen too much at the inquiry. "I was just wondering. No specific reason. I'm a detective, remember? I ask people questions too."

"Whenever you ramble and try to defend yourself, it's almost always a dead giveaway that you're not being completely honest. It's called 'going on the defense'."

"You need to stop being a shrink."

"You need to tell me the truth."

Bobby stared at Roberts and something about his demeanor caused him to tilt his head and review their conversation. He didn't give anything away when he asked about Robert's marriage. He narrowed his eyes. Something was up. Roberts knew more than he was letting on; when had mentioned the file Alex had given him Roberts didn't even blink or ask about it. "Did you tell her to do that?"

Roberts was now the one looking like a deer in the headlights. "I'm not following."

Bobby shook his head and pointed at Roberts. "Eames, with the file. You told her to do that, didn't you?"

"No, that was her idea."

Bobby felt like smiling in satisfaction, but he waited. "So she was here, you talked to her?" He laced his words and voice with as much contempt and anger as he could manage right then.

Roberts was shaking his head, trying to regain control of the direction of the conversation. "That's not what I meant, Bobby. I mean, I didn't tell her to do it, but that was what she did; she gave you that file. So, it wasn't my idea. That was what I was saying."

Bobby started chuckling as he said, "Now, uh, you're the one going on the defense."

Roberts stopped and stared at him. "You" he went to say but stopped. "Bobby, I swear you're going to make me kick you out, aren't you?"

Bobby only smirked as he finished off the coffee. "But she was here. And unlike last time, I'm not upset." He stared into his empty cup for a moment as he went over what he wanted to ask. "Was it entirely about me, or…Is she all right?"

Roberts's playful smile slipped as he asked, "Why do you ask that?"

Bobby rolled his eyes. He knew that Roberts was going to give him the run around. "I've been noticing things. She, uh…hasn't been sleeping much, has she?"

Roberts shook his head.

Bobby rubbed at his face and closed his eyes. He wasn't the only one falling apart over his abduction. As her colleague, it wasn't his business; as her friend, he wanted to know what was keeping her up at night and making her quick to jump to his defense with everyone including her current partner. And as he potential boyfriend, he wanted take away all that was causing her trouble and taking it all himself. He wanted to keep her happy and safe, away from it all.

Roberts was watching him closely and Bobby had to keep his eyes on the floor before he was ready to address him. Finally, he looked up and asked, "What can I do?"

Roberts didn't hesitate when he told him, "Talk to her. Listen to her. Be there for her."

Bobby nodded. "That's everything she's been doing for me."

"Do you know why?"

Bobby stared over at Roberts. Now, it was clear. Roberts did know. "Yeah, and I suppose you know as well."

Roberts couldn't hide the knowing, cocky smirk that formed on his face. "It's not too rare; I think there's hope for you and her."

Bobby glanced back around the office. "We don't want marriage."

"Well, you don't have to married to love each other for the rest of your lives; or to commit to each other. I think, in a way, you two have actually already done that. You just needed someone to come along and hold up a mirror so you could see it too."

Bobby didn't like the idea of other people being about to 'see' what was going on between him and Alex. "Is it that obvious?"

Roberts shook his head. "No. You two have chemistry, there's no denying that. You two really care for each other and you rely on one another; that's obvious. To everyone that knows you two, that's what they see. Now, you two being in love with each other, that's well hidden. I'm…on the outside, looking in," he explained. "And after talking to the both of you, it wasn't hard to miss." After a long moment of silence, he asked, "What're you going to do now?"

Bobby glanced toward the clock. "Call her, and go to work. I'm…consulting on a serial case."

If Roberts was surprised, he didn't show it. "That's good. I'll call the department and speak with your captain and the chief. I'll give them my recommendation but I'm sure they'll want you to have at least one session with the department psychologist before you're officially reinstated."

Bobby smiled as he stood. "Thanks," he shook his hand. "I'll appreciate it." He reached down and took one of Roberts business cards. "Just in case," he explained as he slipped the card into his pocket. "Dr. Olivett can be…hard for me to talk to since I can basically, you know, run her around in circles."

Roberts grinned wide at that. "You mean you sent her off running and screaming for help and now she refuses to be your shrink."

Bobby shrugged a little. "Something like that."

Roberts saw him to the door and opened it. "Good luck, Bobby. And tell Alex I owe her."

Bobby frowned at that.

"I told her I'll last at least five sessions with you; she bet two."

Bobby started laughing and headed out into the hallway. "She promised me a steak dinner in a week. You're free to join us and you can bring your wife. It'd be an, uh, double date…thing."

"Maybe we'll do that. If not, I'll give her two more free sessions and as many cups of really strong sugar filled coffee she wants."

Bobby smirked and went to head down the hall, back to the waiting room. "I'll let her know." Once he was in the elevator he pulled out his cell and dialed a number. Within seconds she answered. "Eames, yeah, I'm done here." He smiled into the phone at the sound of her voice. "Okay, I'll see you in thirty."

TBC…


	12. Giving them anything they want

**A/N:** Hey readers! Thanks again to everyone who's still reading and reviewing!! Also, this story is drawing to a close, just a few more chapters to go, but it won't be the end to the Bobby and Alex in this particular storyline universe. I've been writing a sequel. So, I'm not rushing to fix everything wrong with Bobby just yet, and I'm not trying to rush an ending with this story neither. Some conclusions will be made, but there will still be open wounds for Bobby in the sequel story, which will be another CI/SVU cross-over.

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

**Ch. 12: **

_Major Case Squad_

_Tuesday, March 20, 2003_

_Approx. 3:05 PM_

The photo of the killer wasn't exactly clear, they couldn't get any distinct features off of it, but one thing was now clear, it was a kid. A teenager who was probably not a day older than fifteen, sixteen at best; he wore a New York Yankees baseball cap that hid the color of his eyes, but Bobby knew it didn't matter. They would be dark and cold, wild with rage.

It was sad that a person that young would destroy not only their own life, but the lives of other people; of young, innocent girls and their families. The killer wanted to be a star; the next big thing. He wanted his videos to be watched over and over again by a horrified and/or indifferent audience of teens and adults as they were posted to computer blogs and websites all over the internet; and being re-shown on every news channel from New York to California, even overseas.

"Thank you God for not making this kid a computer geek."

Bobby glanced away from the white board he had covered with his written profile of the crazy kid. "What'd you got?"

Alex beamed up at him from the computer screen. "A website that I'm pretty sure belongs to him."

Bobby rounded the table and stared at it over her shoulder. "How'd you know for certain it's his?"

"Goren, you really need to start learning more about computers."

He smiled down at her when she glanced up at him. "Why would I do that? I have you." Bobby returned his attention back to the screen, but only after he spotted the blush that reddened her cheeks.

"Okay, pay attention. The video of his murder that's plastered all over the place, he's streaming it from one location, this IP address. Now, all we have to do is find out where this address is coming from and we'll have his location."

Bobby stared down at her. "You can do that?"

"Well, not me. That's beyond my capabilities, but the A/V guys down in forensics can."

"So," Bobby said as he tried to make sense of the world of computer technology in his head. "We can trace an IP address like we can telephone calls."

"Very good, detective," Alex lightly teased him. "I bet pretty soon, you'll figure out e-mail."

Bobby chuckled as he stepped away from the chair so she could stand up. "I know how to e-mail; I just think it's too impersonal so I don't do it."

"Sometimes it's quicker, and better."

Bobby glared at her. "And a pain in the ass."

Alex smirked, shut her laptop, and headed out of the conference room. "I'll be down in forensics; you stay here and think of an apology."

Bobby watched her leave before he headed out of the room, toward his desk. Thankfully, Stone wasn't anywhere near it. He looked around, wondering briefly where the detective was when he saw Deakins coming out of his office; Carver was standing next to him.

"Goren," Deakins motioned for him to come into his office.

Bobby hurried as quickly as he could across the room. He had given Deakins the information about the lawsuit and told him about wanting to speak to the ADA about maybe getting the chance of speaking to Tim's family. As he neared the office, his knee started to ache with fury. It was a little swollen and was stiffer than a board. Once in the office with the door closed, he collapsed in the chair and swallowed down a groan as pain flared through his leg.

"You doing okay? How's the knee?"

Bobby opted not to lie to the captain; it wasn't like the older man would buy it anyway. "Been better, but I'm okay. It's inflamed because I keep putting pressure on it, but Dr. Jefferies said that nothing's torn. The swelling will go down, eventually."

Deakins still eyed him as he nodded. "We've been talking," he nodded to Carver.

Carver immediately took over. "Firstly, I personally think that you have nothing to worry about. The mitigating circumstances alone are enough to make a jury not find you liable."

Bobby nodded at that. "That's good to hear, but quite frankly sir," he looked up at Carver. "I'm not concerned with the lawsuit. It doesn't matter to me if I win or lose. I'm concerned with Mr. Landy's family, and Mr. Landy himself."

Carver looked over at Deakins as the captain smirked and leaned back in his chair. "I've arranged for a conference with the Landy's. My office, Thursday morning at ten."

Bobby shifted in the chair as he listened to what Carver was telling him. He felt a spark of excitement form in his abdomen and hope in his chest. Hopefully he'd be able to convince them that he was telling the truth, and that he was serious about helping their son. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

"Now, Detective," Carver addressed him. He never called him anything different. Not Goren, not Bobby, nothing but Detective. "You do understand that they might not _want_ to talk to you, that they might not want your help."

Bobby stared at the floor for a moment before he shook his head. "They're angry," he said softly, almost to himself. "They're unable to help their son, and they feel helpless. Lashing out at me is something that they can focus on, act on, something that might bring them closure for their grief, and…their fears." He looked up at Carver as he finished, "I know that feeling, that….helplessness. If I can't get them to understand that I could try to bring them a better closure, of possibly bringing their son back, then…" he trailed off as he stared out the window. "Then this won't go to trial, Mr. Carver. I'll give them anything they want, even if it's my badge."

"Goren," Deakins started to protest.

Bobby didn't give him a chance. "Sir," he interrupted. He glanced back over to Carver before addressing the captain. "I love the Job; we all know that. However, this wasn't just some…_thing_ that happened. It changed me, more than I'm afraid to admit. It, uh…altered a part of me and I'm not sure if I'd ever be the same man I was before. I'm not sure how I'll react in an interrogation; right now, I'm scared to death of thinking of the possibility of going too far again, of not stopping myself. As of now, I'm a liability. If I can't trust myself…" he shook his head and stared down at the floor, unable to meet his captain's worried eyes. "Then there's no point of me being here, sir." He took a deep breath before looking over at Carver. "I need this. I need to be able to talk to his family, and to Mr. Landy. I can't be helpless in this matter. I just can't." After he nodded his thanks to both Carver and Deakins, he slowly got to his feet and headed out of the office. "I'll be there at ten," he called over his shoulder before limping slowly toward the conference room and waited for Alex to return.

* * *

_Rosa's Deli_

_Tuesday, March 20, 2003_

_Approx. 5:30 PM_

Alex was staring at him from across the table. He'd just finished telling her about what he had told Deakins and Carver during their meeting. She wasn't looking too happy about it, but understanding and patience did radiate from her eyes. And with her choice of words, he knew she wouldn't try to talk him out of his decision. "You really think that? That you're a liability."

Bobby took his time to answer that. It was a loaded question, even if Alex hadn't realized it. Swallowing the last bite of half of his pastrami sandwich, he stared out the window at the swarm of people passing by. "I've always been a liability, one-way or the other. The Brass never did like me once I transferred to Major Case. With Narcotics I could be as insubordinate and unruly as I wanted as long as I got the job done, now…being here, they wanted me to start kissing ass but I wouldn't."

Alex smiled over at him as she sipped on her hot tea. "Thank God for that."

Bobby smirked and looked over at her, finally ending his people watching. "Deakins goes to bat for me, supports my methods and tolerates my defiance. But I always wondered if the higher-ups would back me if anything like a lawsuit were to happen. If I did let it go to trial, and I lose, they wouldn't back me, Eames. I'll be either demoted and have to transfer out of Major Case or I'll have to give up my badge because the department will see me as a problem, as what I am and it won't matter if Deakins protests or sticks out his neck for me, I'll be gone."

"You don't know that. And you won't lose, you'll win."

"It's a double edge sword, Eames. I'll lose no matter what." Bobby pushed his cup of coffee away, not wanting it anymore. "My best bet is for the Landy's to drop it. If they don't…"

Alex set her cup down and eyed him closely. "Why do you do that?"

Bobby shifted his eyes off the table and stared back at her. "Do what?"

"Punish yourself."

Bobby stilled and felt his lungs start to ache; he was holding his breath as he took that in and tried to think of the answer. He didn't have one. Slowly, he let a deep breath out and returned his focus out the window. Alex, thankfully, didn't press the issue; she asked the question and when he didn't give her an answer, she remained silent until a little rain started to cover the city.

"We should get back to the office before it starts pouring."

Bobby didn't say anything as he followed her out of the deli. They were only three blocks away from One P. P., and even though it was raining, it was warm. Spring was finally starting to take over and the bitter cold wind was replaced with a warm breeze. As they stopped at a crosswalk and waited for the light to change, he heard Alex next to him.

"I get it, Bobby, I really do."

He looked down at her and saw the sincere content in her eyes. "Oh?" Bobby asked. "Then you understand why I don't want to talk about it ever again." He saw the light change and started across the street.

Alex stayed a few steps behind him as they continued into the building and up to the eleventh floor. Once they entered the Major Case bullpen, Deakins charged out of his office.

"Okay, listen up," Deakins commanded.

Bobby stopped in front of his desk as Alex pulled out her chair and sat down.

"Thanks to Detective Eames and the A/V guys down in forensics, we've narrowed down a location on the killer."

Bobby smiled over at Alex as he sat on the edge of the desks.

"But the thing is, the signal is coming from an industrial area, it's broadcasting from an abandon warehouse. And as of now, we don't think he's there. Detective's Eames and Stone, you two will stack-out the warehouse; I also want a surveillance team on it as well. Andrews, I want you in the van, and since your partner is out sick for the day, take Goren with you."

Bobby's head snapped up and he stared at the captain as the rest of the squad stared at him. "Uh, me sir?"

"It's your case too, Goren." Deakins tossed him his badge. "Get to it," he said as way to end any and all discussions. He headed back into his office and shut the door.

Bobby stared at his gold shield before securing it onto his overcoat. He looked over at Alex who gave him a smile before heading out with Stone behind her.

"Well," Andrews stopped next to him. "Let's round up the tech guys and get going." He went to walk toward the elevators before he turned back. "Welcome back, Goren."

Bobby felt overwhelmed suddenly but nodded to his colleague as they started down the hall.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Wednesday, March 21, 2003_

_Approx. 1:41 PM_

Bobby was exhausted. They had spent the entire evening stacking out the warehouse; the teenager that they suspected was the killer finally showed at around eight that morning. Alex and Stone took him down, and he and Andrews, along with the tech guys, searched the warehouse and confiscated the computer system and collected all the evidence.

After returning to the MCS, he bunked out for a couple of hours until Alex woke him up. It was time for the interrogation. He swallowed his pills with a handful of water in the restroom before he limped his way to the observation room. Putting his full weight on the cane, he watched as Alex settled in across from the kid, Stone was seated at her side and across from the lawyer.

Alex started the interrogation. "So Taylor Price, mind telling us why you were at that warehouse this morning?"

Taylor leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "I was helping someone out."

"Who?"

The teen shrugged. "Some guy. I was helping him out with his computer. He paid me to set it up for him and to not tell anyone about it. This morning he called, said he was having server problems, that it wasn't uploading videos right and if I could check it out for him."

"And you did it?"

Taylor looked at the silent lawyer before he shrugged. "It was five hundred bucks, of course I did it."

"Why would someone pay you five hundred bucks for your service? You a tech whiz?"

Taylor smirked. "You could say that."

"That's not going to fly, Taylor," Stone spoke up. "There was no other guy. Your prints were the only ones found at the scene."

Taylor shifted in his seat as he stared hard at Stone. His lawyer leaned over and whispered something in his ear. He pulled away from the guy as he continued to stare hard at Stone. "So, that doesn't mean anything. If you're accusing me of what I think you are, I didn't do it. It's possible that the killer you're looking for is smart enough to wear gloves."

Alex and Stone both looked at each other. "You knew what the guy was doing but didn't call the police?" she asked him.

Taylor took a deep breath and rubbed at his face. "I was scared, okay. If he killed her, than he could have killed me too."

"But he hasn't, yet."

Taylor eyed Alex. "Of course he hasn't, he's an idiot when it comes to computers. Besides, I don't know who he is. He never gave a name, he never let me see his whole face; always kept his hat down over his eyes…I can't ID him."

Stone shook his head and looked over at Alex. She didn't look at him but she let out a breath as she continued to eye the kid across the table.

Bobby knew that they were stuck, but he wasn't. He tapped on the glass and waited until both Stone and Alex were in the room.

Alex leaned against the glass. "Do you think it's him and he's toying with us?"

Bobby nodded. "Yeah, I do. Taylor's claiming to be a tech whiz," he said as he smiled down at her. "You said yourself that the killer wasn't."

"And if Taylor was a computer geek, than he would have made sure the IP address couldn't be easily traced." Alex eyed him seriously. "You take it."

Bobby stared down at her and shook his head. "It's your case."

"But you got him. Take him down."

Bobby shifted away from the glass and stepped back from her. He looked over at Stone who was watching them closely with a stern look on his face.

Stone shrugged. "It'd be like…a welcome back gift."

Bobby was surprised that Stone was that comfortable and willing to give up the interrogation to him.

"Plus, it'd let you see that you can still do it," Alex explained. "I'll be in there with you."

Bobby closed his eyes as he felt the fear well in him. The fear was illogical; it wasn't likely that he would go too far, he knew how to get Taylor to confess. He just needed to remind himself of that fact. He finally nodded as he glanced over at Alex. "Okay."

He felt a little off as he followed her out the door and stopped in front of the door right next to it. Bobby gripped the cane tighter as he took a deep, calming breath.

"Don't worry," Alex said as she leaned in close to him. "I trust you."

That took his breath away. Bobby stared down at her as he felt the confidence surge through him. She had no idea how hearing that affected him; how it meant to him that she trusted him even after all that has happened. "Thanks."

She smiled up at him before opening in the door.

Bobby leaned against the wall as Alex sat back down in the chair. His leg was pulsing with pain but he ignored it as his eyes settled on the teenager that was staring up at him.

"Where's the other guy?"

Alex was the one to speak. "It doesn't matter."

Taylor didn't take his eyes off him as he looked him over. "What's with the cane? Someone shoot you?"

Bobby tensed but didn't respond to that; instead, he tilted his head and smiled at the guy. "No. I'm, uh…actually surprised that you don't know."

Taylor shrugged. "Why would I know?"

"It was in the paper, on the news."

Taylor looked him over again, more closely. He pointed a thin finger at him. "The cop that was abducted. I heard you went crazy."

Bobby pushed himself off the wall to hide the anger that flared through him. "Just rumors. You can't trust the media." He settled against the table and leaned on his cane. "Can you?"

Taylor was watching him closely. "I don't know; they seem to get everything right to me."

"Really? You don't think it can be…manipulated." Bobby leveled him with a stare. "We manipulate it all the time."

Taylor looked over at his lawyer. "If he doesn't have anything to ask me, can I go?"

Bobby smiled and pulled out a chair and sat down. "Oh, but I do have something to ask you."

Taylor sat back in the chair again and crossed him arms, unfazed. "I've got nothing to hide."

Bobby nodded. "How did this, uh, guy…contact you?"

"By phone."

"Then, can we have your phone, get the number the guy is calling you from."

"I don't have caller ID."

Bobby glanced at the lawyer. "Well, we can get a warrant for you phone records. Or, you help us and give us your number."

Taylor shook his head. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get a warrant."

Bobby smiled at the kid again. "Has he ever e-mail you?"

"Sometimes, but it's just easier to call."

"You know," Bobby said as he shifted in the seat. "We can check the hard drive of the computer we got from the warehouse and see if there were any e-mails sent to you. What'd you think we'll find when we check it?"

Taylor shrugged. "I don't know because he could have sent his e-mails to me from anywhere."

"Wow." Bobby looked over to Alex before focusing back on Taylor. "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

Taylor just smiled.

"Except one." Bobby leveled him with his eyes. "How you're so…uh, incredibility…What's the word I'm looking for?" he asked Alex.

"Stupid."

"Right." Bobby pointed to Taylor. "Stupid."

"Detectives," the lawyer started to say.

Bobby didn't blink as he leaned on the table, closer to Taylor. "Do you know how we found you?"

Taylor didn't say anything, or move.

"We traced your IP address. It's unique, and…it can be traced to the source. In your case, the warehouse. If you weren't stupid, and if you were the computer whiz you claim to be, it wouldn't have been too hard to…uh, mask it? Hide it? Uh, keep us from finding you."

"Look," Taylor started to explain. "I didn't want to hide the address; the guy's a killer, I wanted him to be found. He didn't say anything about having me divert the server. So, I didn't."

Bobby looked over at Alex who was looking defeated. Taylor really did have an answer for everything. He looked back at Taylor as he started to review the profile of their killer in his head. The kid wanted fame, that was a certainty but he always wanted to kill again. He wanted to experience that thrill and that control for as long as possible. And, he wanted to be feared but also seen as intelligent.

If the killer was caught, and in this case, Bobby was sure he was, he would have a way of getting out, of beating the police. It would be a way to heighten his popularity especially after he was caught again, and Taylor would make sure he was caught but only after he murdered more girls. And it would be on his terms, he would be the one in control of it. He would be known as the teenager who outwitted the police; the one that got away.

Bobby knew what he had to do; he took a deep breath and scooted the chair back. "You're free to go," he said as he stood.

Alex eyed him before watching Taylor and his lawyer file out of the interrogation room. After they were gone she turned to him. "What happened?"

Bobby started toward the door. "In order to get him, we have to start by playing his game. And then, we turn the tables on him."

"How?"

Bobby looked back at her. "By manipulating the media and arresting this 'other' guy."

Stone eyed him as they walked into the observation room. "There is no other guy."

Deakins was also eyeing him. "What's the deal, Goren?"

Bobby looked around at everyone and leaned against the glass. "As far as Taylor is concerned, he thinks that he got away with it. He thinks that we bought the 'other' guy theory of his. I'm suggesting we take away his fame by making there be another guy. He planned this. Maybe he even does really know about computers. All I know is that this was all a part of his plan."

"Which is?" Deakins asked.

"The press is going to be all over him and he gets to tell them that we arrested the wrong guy. He'll go out, kill more girls, make a bigger name for himself, and then get himself caught again, or turn himself in. And then, that's when the fun will really begin for him. He'll get to taunt us, say that the NYPD's best detectives had him and let him go. That it was our fault those other girls were killed, shift his blame then…He'll win. He'll be this generations Ted Bundy. He's a complete sociopath."

"So, we arrest someone else, draw him out?" Deakins was asking him.

Bobby nodded. "I think it's the only way. Keep a detail on Taylor though; he might really believe we aren't looking at him anymore and take us right to his next victim."

"In the meantime, I want you guys to find any connection he might have with the victim. See if maybe he's targeting girls he already knows." Deakins left the room, leaving the three detectives staring after him.

"I'll start looking into what schools he went to, organizations, work history, all that boring stuff," Stone said as he exited the room.

Bobby may not have liked the detective, but he was glad right then for his work ethic. He turned to face Alex as she continued to stare at him. He'd been feeling that stare ever since they left the interrogation room.

"Were you holding back in there?"

Bobby let out a frustrated sigh and slightly shook his head. "No; like I said, this was planned. He wasn't nervous or scared, didn't hesitate with his responses. Unlike some killers, his conscious, if he has one, isn't getting to him. He doesn't want to confess, not yet. Even if I would have gone after him, he would have shut down, stone-walled me. His lawyer would have gotten him out of there. This is the only way. He has to be caught in the act."

Hours later, and after many cups of coffee, Bobby rubbed at his tired irritated eyes and sat a file down. They were trying to connect Taylor to their victim, but they were coming up empty. She had to be a random target. He hated that. Hearing someone at the conference room door, he looked up to see Deakins walk in.

"How's it going?"

"We've got nothing except backaches and dry eyes," Alex sarcastically announced as she tossed another file down on the table. "Any leads on your end?"

"Taylor went home, to his parent's house and he hasn't left."

Bobby held up a file. "We did find out why he wasn't in school. He got his GED in December. Guess what his IQ is? 119, that's above average; only 16 percent of the population has above average intelligence."

"Huh-uh and I'm guessing you're one of that 16 percent?"

Bobby rolled his eyes at Alex's question but didn't answer.

"All right; it's getting late, and you guys have been working like crazy for nearly two days, take a break. And, Goren, go home."

Bobby went to protest when Deakins cut him off.

"Bobby, I gave you your badge back after I talked with the Chief of D's and Dr. Roberts. You still have to have a meeting with the department psychologist. And until you get your hand working properly again and not limping after only two hours of working, you'll be on desk duty and very limited field work. Now, go home before I regret sticking my neck out for you."

Bobby watched Deakins head back to the office before closing his eyes in defeat. He didn't want to leave, he needed to work. To not think about tomorrow.

"C'mon, Bobby. I'll drive you. I'm beat."

He opened his eyes and looked up at her as she slipped on her jacket. Stone was busy reading over a file and not giving them a second look. "Okay," Bobby finally agreed.

* * *

_Alex Eames's Apartment_

_Wednesday, March 21, 2003_

_Approx. 8:24 PM_

He hadn't spoken since they left work. Bobby eased down onto the pulled out bed, lying down he closed his eyes as he tried to relax. During the past two days he had pushed himself, not only physically but mentally. He had driven himself to exhaustion and his whole body was hurting.

A shadow moved in front of the light and he barely parted his eyes to see Alex standing above him; she was staring down at him with a mug in her hand. "You're not drinking coffee are you?" Bobby asked.

She took a sip out of the cup. "It's hot chocolate."

He blinked up at her as she continued to stand over him. Bobby was starting to feel uncomfortable. "What?"

Alex shook her head. "Nothing."

Bobby frowned and tried to pull himself up. It hurt and he was too sore that by the time he was in a sitting position, he was breathing hard as his head spun.

"Rough day, huh."

"And long," Bobby muttered under his breath. He stared up at her and if he was feeling somewhat decent he would have pulled her down for a kiss. Instead, he went to stand and nearly fell downwards back onto the bed.

"Maybe you should stay there; I'll get you whatever you want."

Bobby eased slowly back down and rested his head in his hands. "I'm…tired," he breathed out deeply into his hands. He felt the bed dip down next to him and then a hand on his shoulder.

Looking over, Alex was watching him closely. "What's wrong?"

Bobby sighed into his hands before he dropped them to his lap. "Everything." He couldn't look at her as she stroked a hand over his tense shoulder. "Tomorrow is going to be another long day; I need to get some sleep."

Alex sat with him for awhile before she got up. "They'll listen to you, Bobby. Believe that; okay?"

Bobby shifted and settled back down on the bed. He didn't answer her as he closed his eyes, blocking everything around him out.

"_I asked for your name!"_

"_Tim," the man's voice trembled out._

_That seemed to only help ignite his raging mind as laughter spilled from his mouth. "Tim! That's such a weak name for a big __boy__ like you. Are you weak, Tim?"_

_Everything that he'd heard from Tim and been observing filled his head. It may have been the first time he laid eyes on the big man, but he already knew who he was. He had already profiled Tim a million times over, and he knew every one of his weaknesses and he knew how to break him._

"_No; I'm not weak!"_

"_Yes, you are." He swung the bar over the man's head. The sound of it hitting the wall caused the man to jump with fright. "You're weak and pathetic."_

"_Please, don't--" Tim pleaded as he shivered against the wall._

_Tim acted strong when he was in control, but without it Tim was nothing but a frightened boy. No wonder a thin, tiny man like Jared Darsal could control him so well. The control Tim tried to display was a façade. If Jared didn't demand it, nothing would have happened._

"_Please don't what? Don't mock you!" His voice was trying to give out on him but it had been a while since Tim had last shocked his throat. "Don't strip you of everything that's in that tiny head of yours!" He emphasized that with a slap across the man's head. "Why shouldn't I take everything away from you when you took everything away from me? You perverted, disgusting piece of shit."_

Jerking himself awake, he gasped for air in the cool apartment. Sweat covered his body and dripped over down his face as he tried to get that vicious voice out of his head. He hadn't thought about that for days now. It sent a shiver down his spine and caused his heart to twist in his chest. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was a little before four in the morning; not feel much like sleeping anymore, he got up and ventured into the kitchen.

As he prepared the coffee machine, he kept thinking about what he was going to tell Tim's family. He was struggling with his own guilt, even though he realized that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't to blame, he still felt guilty. Tim was both the victim and abuser, much like himself in all this. Tim was still accountable for his actions. And if he did bring Tim's mind back, he would then make sure that Tim went to trial over what he did. It wouldn't be for what he did to him, but what Tim had done to Rebecca. He had murdered her, raped her. Tim should get life for that.

So, what was he going to tell his family? That he could bring their son back just so he could spend the rest of his life in prison. Or, that he might even get the death penalty. He would bring him back just so the Judicial system could kill him?

It was a complicated situation. One that he never wanted to be in. He wondered what Rebecca Davis's family was thinking; what did they want to happen? Did they blame him for her death? Do they want him to try to bring Tim back so he could stand trial, face what he did, and pay for it?

His head was feeling like it was about to explode. He had too many questions and no answers. It was time he got answers. Today was going to be trying. It was going to pull at him in every direction. He was just glad that Alex would be there once it was over. That was the only thing that made him feel like all this was worth it.

After he made him a cup of coffee, he found a notepad and pen and sat down at the kitchen island. He was so engrossed in writing down questions he needed answered, thoughts about what to say to both the Landy family and Davis family, and random thoughts about the case they were working on that he didn't hear Alex get up two hours later.

Sensing a presence next to him, Bobby looked over to see Alex sitting next to him, sipping on a cup of coffee. "Hey."

She smiled over at him. "Hey, been busy?"

Bobby looked down at the pad and realized that he had three pages, front and back, covered in notes, questions, and long paragraphs of thoughts. "Yeah. I had to get it all out before my brain caved in."

Alex lightly laughed at that. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while until she told him, "No matter what happens today, Bobby, I'll be here."

Bobby turned to face her and smiled at the sincere look in her eyes. He trusted her more than anyone; more than any of his family, even his mother. "I know."

Alex's eyes lingered a moment too long on his mouth as he answered her. He studied her face as she looked away and went back to sipping at the coffee. His chest swelled as he felt the same need she was feeling course through him. He'd never been nervous about kissing a woman before, probably not since his first time when he was fourteen. This wasn't just some woman though, it was Alex Eames.

Leaning closer to her, Bobby tilted his head down so he could see her eyes. "Alex," he whispered to her.

When she turned her head toward him, he closed the distance between them and found her lips. The kiss was soft and gentle, but the heat that filled him caused his body to tremble slightly. His eyes closed as he felt her hand against the back of his neck as she urged him closer, forcing their lips to part and slide between each other. He finally pulled away from her when his lungs started to burn. Releasing her swollen soft lips, he opened his eyes to be staring in the most beautiful breathless woman he'd ever seen.

A small smile spread over his face as he watched her dark eyes open to be staring into his. "Thanks," Bobby told her.

Alex continued to rub at the back of his neck, easing the tension out of it. "For what?"

Bobby gave a shrug. "I don't know…Everything?"

TBC…


	13. Trust in Goren

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for the wonderful reviews! Sorry for the delay, but my computer is starting to act up on me. Anyway, we're getting very close to the end, hope you enjoy the rest of this story!

* * *

_**Ch.13: Trust in Goren**_

_Ron Carver's Office_

_Thursday, March 22, 2003_

_Approx. 9:56 AM_

Carver was shuffling through the files on his desk, getting everything in order so that the office looked in order before the meeting started. Bobby shifted in the seat watching the ADA nervously. He'd been in that office many times, but he never felt so out of place in it. He repositioned his cane again, this time setting it on the floor at his feet.

He didn't want it to be seen; he didn't want to be seen. Well, not in the way that he was already being seen. He didn't want the Landy's to view him as a victim, a helpless man with a cane to help him walk. If anything, he needed them to not see him as the object of their anger, but as a rational man that didn't mean their son harm. He needed to be seen as the detective that could get things done.

He needed to be seen as Detective Robert Goren.

Straightening his tie again, and changing the position of his tie clip, again, he finally stopped fidgeting and let his hands rest folded on the long table. To his request, Alex was across the street of One Hogan Plaza, at a small deli/coffee shop at the corner. She would wait for him there.

Carver had asked him when he first arrived why Eames wasn't with him, that maybe he might need the support. And that was exactly why he couldn't have her there. He needed to do this alone. Carver had asked him why when he had given him that response. He just needed to. End of discussion.

Carver looked up from the desk as the door opened. Bobby watched the ADA; not yet ready to face the two people he was there to talk to, to convince to drop the lawsuit against him. When Carver looked over at him, he got the message.

Bobby took in one last, calming breath, and stood--with help from the table--and faced the two new people who'd entered the office. The man was as tall but not nearly as big as Tim was; Tim's dad, Jeff, was just slightly over six-seven and Tim's mother, Penny, was around five-six.

"Mr. and Mrs. Landy," Carver greeted them. "I'm ADA Ron Carver, and this," he gestured and turned to him. "This is Detective Robert Goren."

Bobby tried to smile but his face was feeling numb. He opted for a greeting only to fins that his mind had drawn a blank. What could he say to the parents of the son he stripped from them? A slow nod was the only movement he could generate, and apparently, he wasn't the only one having trouble speaking.

Tim's parents didn't address him as they sat down at the table. Jeff never met his eyes while Penny did nothing but stare at him.

If Bobby hadn't know better he would have thought she'd taken a page right out of his interrogation techniques. That stare was making him squirm. He shifted his eyes to the table and kept them there, suddenly feeling like he'd let his own mother down. He had.

Carver sat at his desk at the head of the table and was about to speak when the door opened again. "May I help you?"

The couple walked in and shut the door. Bobby recognized them immediately because he knew who they were, he called them. "Mr. Carver," he finally found his voice. To his surprise, it was solid and professional. "This is Mr. and Mrs. Davis, Detective Davis's parents. If...if anything is going to be decided about Mr. Landy's fate, they should know about it."

"Mr. Landy?" Jeff's question was addressed to him.

Bobby looked at Jeff and shifted in his seat. "How would you prefer me to call your son, sir?"

Jeff was silent for a moment, as he looked him over. His eyes were intimidating, but Bobby didn't flinch or waver. "Tim...Tim is fine. That's what we call him."

Bobby nodded with a small, guilt-filled smile. "Tim then."

Carver eyed him before he turned his attention to the Davis's. "Please, have a seat. We were about to start."

Bobby braced himself as Greg Davis and his wife Alice sat next to him at the table. Rebecca had looked almost exactly like her mother, except she had her father's brown eyes. After all this time, and only meeting her once while he was drunk, he remembered that, and it made his heart clench all over again. He glanced at Carver and asked, "Before we begin, I wanted to let everyone know why we're here. Will that be okay?"

"We know why we're here," Jeff announced.

Bobby glanced at the man then at the Greg and Alice. "No, I don't think you do, sir" he said as calmly and neutral as possible. He didn't want to create anymore tension in the room by sounding condescending toward anyone. ""When I called for this meeting, it was to convince you to let me talk to Tim, to try and help bring him back. And, hopefully, for you to drop the lawsuit you have against me, for my...actions." He held up his hand to stop Jeff from rebuking, and continued, "but that was before."

Penny finally let her voice be known. "Before what?"

Bobby looked over at Carver who was staring at him like he'd was about to do the stupidest thing in the world. He leveled Jeff and Penny with a sincere stare as he announced, "That my wants aren't the most important thing. What your..." he stopped and rephrased. "What Tim did to me, was wrong, but what I did to him was just as wrong. I'm guilty for it, and I am responsible. Just as Tim is responsible for all the things he has done."

Both of Tim's parents frowned and looked guilt stricken at that, they were feeling just as guilty as he was. They had raised Tim, and for whatever reason, their son became the man he was. And that man had raped and killed women, abducted him and did horrible things to him, and he had betrayed his family. As parents they were probably feeling like they had failed Tim, and they were probably right.

"I was so concerned with myself and my career that I wasn't thinking straight," Bobby continued. "It's not about me. It's not about what I want, because what I want is for none of this to have happened at all. What I want to is to bring Tim back, to let him think again, make choices. Then, last night, it hit me. If I did that, he'd be prosecuted and sentenced to life in prison. What would I be bringing him back for? For him to _know_ that he's going to spend the rest of his life locked away? Right now, he is locked away. He just doesn't realize it."

"So," Jeff eyed him seriously from across the table, "what are you suggesting?"

Bobby stared right back at Jeff. "I'm saying it's not my call. And, maybe it's not even your call. Tim may have abducted me, but he murdered their daughter." He looked over at Greg and Alice. "I can't ignore that. None of us can. Miss Rebecca Davis and her family, they're innocent victims in all of this. You still have your son, I still have my life, but they had to bury their daughter. If they want Tim to have to face a Judge, and get life in prison, then I'll ask you to let me try and bring Tim back. If they don't, and you agree, then you'll never have to see me again."

The room was eerie quiet for a long time. No one ventured to speak first as they looked around at each other and at their respective spouses. Bobby took a nervous glance at Carver who was actually smirking to himself. He felt the smile tug at his lips too but he couldn't let himself feel happy just yet. Everything could explode. Both parties could want something different, could disagree, and the y could get nowhere.

"What are the odds?"

Bobby jerked his head up and stared at Greg Davis. "I'm sorry?"

Greg eyed him as he asked again, "What are the odds, with bringing Tim back?"

Bobby shook his head. "I'm not sure of anything other than the fact that I'll try my best. That's all I can offer."

"And what makes you think you can succeed where the doctors have failed?" Jeff was the one that asked him that.

Bobby shifted in his chair decided on the truth. He'd been completely honest so far, why stop now? "While I was in the hospital, I...uh, snuck into the psych ward to see Tim." At the shocked and worried looks from both Tim's parents, he ventured forward. "I got an, uh...response, from Tim. It wasn't huge or anything, but where the doctors couldn't get him to stop his rambling, I did. Where they couldn't get him to make eye contact, I did. And where they couldn't get him to say anything other than that same repeated nonsense...I, well, did. I know what I said to him; I know what he's thinking, what he had been thinking. I know his mind. If anyone can get to him, it's me. But, like I said, I'm not entirely certain."

The room grew quiet again and Bobby felt like he was about ready to drop off the tight rope he'd been walking. His heart was pounding in his ears, his leg was bouncing under the table, and his hands were wrapping themselves around each other in his lap. His left hand was starting to throb from all the movement.

Carver had yet to say anything. That realization actually made him feel better; if he'd dug himself into hot water he was certain he would have gotten a 'Detective' thrown at him in a seriously strict and disappointing tone.

Penny Landy took a deep breath and fashioned Greg and Alice Davis with a worried yet brave smile. "What would you like to happen?"

Bobby could feel the moment of desperate hesitation after that question as everyone held their collective breaths and turned to Greg. Even Alice was looking at her husband and not breathing. He figured she had promised to either stay out of it, or she gave permission for her husband to take the lead.

Greg eyed the table for a moment before staring at his wife. They shared a knowing look and tight smiles. "We want what would be best for everyone, and right now, none of us really know what that is exactly." He turned and looked at him. "Detective Goren, we want you to try and bring Tim back."

Bobby nodded and looked at Jeff and Penny. They both looked at each other and nodded. "Okay." He suddenly had a strange thought. It had been coming for a while, ever since early that morning when he was pouring over his thoughts, this had been growing. The clarity choose that moment to make itself known. In the end, it was none of their decisions what happened to Tim. It was Tim's decision. The only logical, and moral thing to do, was to bring him back if he could, and let him decide his own fate. "So," he turned to Carver. "We'll, uh, get this all legal." He went to stand as he told the families, "You all will have to sign-off on some legal forms. Thank you all for coming and for your time."

As he reached down to grab his cane, Bobby heard Jeff's voice.

"You're really not concerned about the lawsuit?"

Bobby leaned against the cane as he eyed Jeff. "Like I told my captain and Mr. Carver, I love my job. I can't even begin to fathom what I'd do without it. But, if you want my badge for what I did to your son, it's yours."

Jeff stood and shook his head. "We were upset and did the only thing we could do at the time. Now, after today, we know that we can't put you through that. You're a good cop. We apologize for what our son did to you, and Miss Davis."

If Bobby wasn't supporting himself with the cane he would have fallen over. The air rushed out of his lungs as he felt the surge of relief fill him. He gave a brief nod as he moved toward the door and into Jeff's extended hand. "Thank you," he acknowledged as he shook the man's hand. "I'll be in touch. We'll have to clear my visits with the hospital and, you know, convince them that I know a thing or two about psychology."

Jeff gave a small smile. "Shouldn't be too hard; Tim's doctor is my brother-in-law."

Bobby stilled for a moment before opening the door. "Great. Greg, Alice...I'll call you."

"Thank you, Bobby."

Bobby nodded before smiling at Carver. "Mr. Carver."

Carver didn't smile back at him, but his eyes gave his approval away. "Detective."

And with that, Bobby left the office and headed out of the building. Once out on the street, he jogged across the street and went into the shop where Alex was waiting on him. He spotted her in a back booth; she smiled across the room at him and held up a coffee cup that was sitting across from her. Smiling back, he lightly limped his way toward her and sat down.

Alex was being remarkably patient as she watched him mess with his overcoat, cane, and finally the cup of coffee in front of him. Once he was settled she blurted out, "What happened?"

Bobby raised his eyes to her and sighed deeply; she frowned. "Well," he said as he glanced out the window, studying something across the street.

"Well, what?" Alex asked. Her patience had evaporated as she started to look worried.

Bobby decided not to draw it out and tease her anymore. He looked back at her and said as calmly as possible, "By next week I'll be spending some time at Seaview Hospital talking to Tim and...they dropped the lawsuit."

Alex reached over and slapped him on the arm. "Don't tease me like that."

Bobby grinned as he laughed. "You really were worried?"

"Of course I was." Alex then shook her head at him and smiled. "I shouldn't have been, you always seem to know what to say."

Bobby took a sip of the coffee as he let that settle between them. "Not always. Just to warn you, I'm...horribly bad at knowing the right thing to say to a-a, uh, pretty girl."

Alex blushed and tried to hide it with her coffee cup. "I intimidate you."

"Yes," he simply stated as he ducked his head slightly, feeling a blush of his own. Bobby peered over at Alex and wished they were anywhere else but in a crowded shop across from One Hogan Plaza. They knew too many people around the government offices, and the people knew them. "So, back to work?"

Alex sat her cup down and picked up a menu. "We're still on break. I told Deakins we'll be back around noon, unless he needed us."

Bobby nodded as he slid the cup back-and-forth in his hands. He was suddenly at a lose of what to say to her. There was so much he wanted to tell her, to ask her, and to learn about her, but he couldn't figure out which question to ask first or what to tell her that wouldn't be totally inappropriate at the moment. God, he needed a guide book for relationships. He rubbed a hand over his face and tried to relax and stop thinking.

Alex was staring at him in amusement. "This isn't a date, you know. You can breathe."

Bobby stilled his hands and glanced up at her. "I k-know that," he said a little too defensively.

Alex caught the tone in his voice and tried not to laugh.

He shifted in his seat, relaxing against the booth, and opened the other menu. "Stop smirking."

"I will."

Alex didn't stop smirking until they entered the Major Case bullpen over an hour later.

* * *

_Major Case Squad_

_Thursday, March 22, 2003_

_Approx. 2:48 PM_

"Who's this guy?" Bobby asked Deakins as he opened the file and started to read over it.

"Our fall guy."

Bobby focused on the file and started to read it aloud. "Jessup Adkins, nineteen years old, history of assault, attempted rape, and...battery on an officer." He looked over at his captain. "He's a sex offender out on parole.

Deakins nodded. "He's breaking his parole. I called his PO, Adkins missed two appointments and he was last seen with a fourteen-year-old girl by the name of Ashley Fitzpatrick."

Bobby nodded. "Once we get Taylor Price, we can still get Adkins. I like it."

"Me too," Alex announced as she sat a coffee down in front of him and took a seat at her desk. "Is Carver okay with us charging this guy for Banks' murder?"

"You kidding, he's learned by now to trust in Goren's schemes."

"Schemes? I don't scheme, I...create opportunities."

"Isn't that a clever way of saying 'scheming'," she teased.

Bobby tossed the file over to her and smirked right back. "How do we find Jessup?"

"I put an APB out on him; we've got every patrol out there keeping an eye out. In the meantime, Eames I want you and Stone to visit some of his hangouts. Maybe he'll crawl out of his rat hole."

"What about me?"

Deakins eyed him as he crossed his arms. "You're not going out in the field. What if this guy starts shooting, or runs."

Bobby thought about it for a second before he shrugged. "I'll, trip him with my cane."

Deakins chuckled and shook his head. "Stay put. I'm going to need you here."

Alex was out of her chair and pulling on her coat. "Come on, Stone," she called to Stone who was already crossing the floor toward them. "Lets go set some traps."

Bobby got up and followed Alex out of the squad room. "Eames," he motioned toward one of the elevators. "Ride down me down. He noticed the displeased and annoyed look coming from Stone, but he paid no attention to him as he ushered Alex into an elevator. Once the doors closed, he turned to her. "Dinner tonight? My treat."

Alex leaned against the back of the elevator and tilted her head back, staring up at him. "I do still owe you that steak dinner, don't I?"

"And I thought I told you I was buying it."

Alex reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand. Bobby felt his eyes close involuntarily at the light touch. His body shivered at the soft caresses of her fingertips. "Sure you'll be up to it? Today's shaping up to be pretty long."

Bobby peered down at her through his half-closed eyelids. "I want to. I haven't been out in a long time. And, I feel like celebrating."

Alex dropped her hand and he groaned at the lose of contact. She smiled. "We'll go to Sal's."

"I bet the waitresses miss me," he lightly teased. She shot him a death glare and Bobby couldn't help but grin widely. "They're going to be really jealous because I won't be able to take my eyes off of you."

"Huh-uh, nice save smooth talker."

The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. Bobby was still grinning until he spotted Stone standing in front of them. He glared at the detective as Alex stepped away from him. "Stone," he said as he stepped closer to the man and leaned against the side of the elevator, keeping the doors open. He lowered his voice so only Stone could hear him. "I told Eames about what you said." Stone's eyes widened as he continued, "So, if I were you, I'd, you know, watch my back. She's an, uh, perfect marksman. Got the highest score on her last proficiency. And you know how she can be, e-especially around you," he emphasized that as he pointed at him.

"Stone, coming?" Alex asked as she neared the doors.

Bobby watched as a terrified Detective Stone timidly followed Alex out of the building. As he headed back up to the squad room, he couldn't help the satisfied smiled nor the sudden laugh that filled the elevator car.

It wasn't more than an hour later when Deakins appeared at the office door and called over to him.

Bobby stammered into the phone, "Uh, yeah, h-hang on...no, wait, I'll uh, call you back. Okay." He hung up the phone at the same time he started toward the office.

Deakins closed the door once he was inside. "Don't sit."

Bobby tensed at the tightness and urgency in Deakins voice. "What's going on?"

"I got a call from the 2-7, Matthews and Clark, a patrol car, and Eames not more than two seconds after each other. The 2-7 found a girl that matches the MO of our serial. Our guys who were tailing Price lost him over an hour ago. They finally found him and picked him up not more than five minutes after the girl was found; Price was only seven blocks from the crime scene, and he was carrying a hand-held digital video camera."

Bobby nodded. "What about patrol and Eames?"

"The patrol got a lead on Adkins; they called Eames and Stone who followed up. It seemed Adkins didn't want to give up so easily. After a brief fire-fight, he locked himself in an abandoned house with that fourteen year old; we're treating it like an hostage situation."

Bobby felt the panic flare through him at the thought of Alex stuck in the middle of a fire-fight with not only Stone at her side but a scared criminal like Adkins who wouldn't hesitate in shooting a cop. "What do you want me to do?" He knew the Captain didn't just call him in there to freak him out without having a plan of action.

"Price will be detained here; he'll need to be processed for any evidence and booked into custody."

Bobby stilled as Deakins said that. He went to protest when Deakins cut him off.

"It'd take some time, and now since we have fellow officers in a crisis situation and they need back-up, I'm certain it'd take a whole lot longer before Price is ready to be questioned. So, that gives you enough time to get your ass to your partner and try to talk Adkins out of killing someone."

"Who do I ride with?"

Deakins grabbed his jacket and headed out of the office. "Me."

* * *

_239 E. 57th Street_

_Thursday, March 22, 2003_

_Approx. 4:03 PM_

"I'm not comin' out!" Adkins yelled through the broken window on the second floor.

Bobby could barely spot the shadowy form through the opening between two boards that were nailed over the window. The whole house was run down with the windows boarded over and the front door chained and locked. Adkins had broken in through the basement and had been hiding in the house ever since he skipped parole.

"Well, Deakins did say he was in a rat hole."

Bobby glanced over at Alex with a gave her a soft smile. When he had first arrived on scene, he was overcome with relief to see that no one was hurt, especially Alex. They were safely hunkered down behind the big SUV and two patrol cars that formed a barricade across the street from the house. Even if Adkins got on the roof, he would hit anything but the vehicles. Now, seven more cars surrounded the house and sixteen more guns were pointed at the window were Adkins was holed up. "Did you get to speak to him at all before he went in there?"

Alex shook her head. "As soon as we arrived, he pulled his piece and started firing. He grabbed the girl and they ran around to the back and then bullets started to come from the second story window. Stone went around back to see if he could go, but he couldn't fit through the tiny basement window."

"How did Adkins do it?" Bobby wondered.

Alex sighed as she looked back at the house. "He's skinner than me. He was only wearing a wife-beater and I saw track marks on his arms."

"So, he could be high right now. That's not good. He's more likely to do something extremely stupid. What about you? Can you fit through the window?"

"Without question."

Bobby stared back over at the house from his position behind the SUV. "I'll talk to him out here, distract him. Go up the street and cut around to the back, when you're inside let us know. We'll send a team around to the back and have a team ready to go here. I'll try and keep Adkins talking to me and at the window. If I can't talk him down..."

"All hell will break loose. Think this will work?"

"It's our only chance. I'm not sure if he can be talked down."

Alex smiled up at him. "Not even by you?"

Bobby appreciated the confidence, but he knew when he was beat. Jessup Adkins wasn't going to walk out of there alive or without trying to take as many cops out with him as he could. "Not even me. Keep a distance, don't let him know you're there."

Deakins cleared his throat and they both looked over at him. "And," he added. "If anything happens take the shot, Alex."

Bobby saw the fear that flashed in her eyes at that. Even though it was part of the job, no good cop ever liked having to shoot someone.

Alex nodded once as she addressed the captain. "Yes, sir." She smiled over at him before she headed down the street.

Bobby watched her until he couldn't see her anymore. A mixture of emotions filled him as he looked back at the house and waited. He was afraid and uncertain about the outcome of this, about Alex's safety and he wanted to do nothing more than to protect her; however, he didn't trust anyone else more or had as much confidence in anyone else than he did in her. If anyone could get the job done it was Alex.

"Can you handle this, Bobby?"

Bobby looked up at Deakins and straightened. "Yeah. Where's the megaphone?"

Deakins took it from an officer and handed it to him. "Don't worry, she'll be fine."

Bobby turned the megaphone on and eyed the captain with a soft smile. "I know. I just hope I can hold up my end of the deal." Taking a deep breath, he lifted the megaphone and addressed the scared man. "Jessup Adkins?"

There was movement behind in the window as Adkins yelled out, "Yeah! Who wants to know?"

Bobby knew that was coming. "My name's Robert. Robert Goren."

"You a pig?"

"Maybe, or I could be a guy who just wants to talk to you. What'd you say, Jessup?"

"Fuck off!"

Bobby was also expecting the apprehension and anger. He could deal with that. All he had to do was stay calm. "I will, okay. I'll do that, but I need to talk to you first. Is Ashley okay? How's she doing, Jessup?"

There was a long moment when there was no answer. Bobby glanced at Deakins and shook his head. Adkins wasn't going to do this. He wasn't going to answer his questions. "Hey," he screamed into the megaphone, making everyone around him jump. "I'm talkin' to you, Jessup. I asked you a question."

"And I said to fuck off pig!"

Bobby heard a familiar voice close to him, but it was low and distant. It was Alex; she was inside. "Why do you want me to leave? If I go, you'll still have all these cops out here, ready to shoot. I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen. You want these guys to come in there, Jessup? You want them to hurt Ashley, take her from you."

"No one's takin' nothin' from me! Not me nor my girl!"

"Then answer me! How is she? Hurt?"

"No."

"She scared?"

There was no answer.

Bobby felt like rubbing the sweat from his brow but he couldn't move as he focused on that window and the shadowy figure that was pacing in front of it. "You scared, Jessup? Scared of these cops, scared of what they'll do, of what you'll do. I bet Ashley's scared too. You're afraid she might do something. That she might want us to help her."

"She doesn't want you! She wants me, only me! I'll protect her!"

"Then protect her. Come out. Let her come out. 'Cause if these cops have to come in there, Ashley might get hurt. You can't protect her by keeping her in there."

"I'll make sure the cops don't come in! I'll shot them all!"

"Jessup. I need to ask you a question. And I need you to think about it and answer me, okay?" Adkins didn't answer him. Bobby waited until the shadowy figure stopped in front of the window. "How many bullets do you have in your gun?"

Everyone was staring at him now.

"He's not going to answer that."

Bobby kept his eyes on the window as he lowered the megaphone and addressed Stone. "He doesn't have to. He's thinking about it. As long as his mind is focused on this, he'll not notice Eames." He brought the megaphone back up to his mouth and squeezed the button as he said, "How many cops do you see out here? Look around you, Jessup. Count them. There's fourteen cops out here, all with guns. You have only what? Five, maybe six bullets left at best." He waited a minute, letting that sink into the troubled man's mind. "Look, I get it. You love her. You want to protect her...I understand that. Seeing her in danger, it's driving you crazy. Making you...lose yourself in-in that need to make sure that no one, not even the cops, harm her."

"Shut up!"

Bobby shook his head as he said at the same time, "You have to listen to me; for her, Jessup, listen to me for Ashley. She loves you too. Ashley wants to be with you. It'll cause her more pain to lose you than to come out here. She'll hate it. She'll hate us, but she'll be alive. You can let her come out here, and you can drop your gun, and you can come out here too. You can protect Ashley but you have to do it the right way. Show her that you love her, that you want to be with her. It's your choice, Jessup."

After a couple of minutes and nothing happened, Bobby started to get worried. He didn't want to say anything more to the guy. It was left up to Adkins to make the next move. At least, he wasn't firing and that was a good thing.

"They're moving, over," Alex's voice suddenly cracked over the radio. "He left the gun. I repeat, Adkins is unarmed."

Bobby closed his eyes as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Great job, Bobby," Deakins told him. "Damn good job."

He opened his eyes and nodded to his captain. "They're not out yet. I'll celebrate when they're both handcuffed and sitting in the back of a police car." Bobby turned his attention back to the house and not more than a few seconds later Jessup Adkins and Ashley Fitzpatrick exited the house with their hands in the air.

A team of officers advanced on them in seconds, telling them to get on the ground and cuffing them.

Ashley had tears running down her small childish face. "He made me go in there. I didn't want to do it. I'm so sorry." When she spotted him holding on to the megaphone she started to cry more. "Thank you," she told him.

Bobby swallowed hard at the declaration from the young girl. He left his position from behind the SUV and headed toward the house. There was movement in the shadows of the dark house and then, appearing in the doorway was Alex. For some reason, in that moment, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was alive and had a wide smile shining at him.

"Anybody tell you that you should be a negotiator?"

"Not recently, no." Bobby smiled back at her. "But, if I was an negotiator, I wouldn't have you for a partner."

"Hmm, true." Alex started toward the SUV. "Come on, I'll drive you back. I heard that Taylor Price is anxiously awaiting our arrival."

TBC...


	14. How you said it needed to happen

**A/N:** I apologize for the long delay in my updating; real life is starting to interfere with my fantasy world. Anyway, thanks again to everyone who is still reading and reviewing this story. I didn't mean for it to take this long to finish it, but that's the way life goes sometimes. This is the last chapter, but I will post a Ch. 15 that's an epilogue and it'll show a brief glance at the sequel story.

Alright, Enjoy!!

* * *

**Ch.14: **

_Major Case Squad_

_Thursday, March 22, 2003_

_Approx. 5:24 PM_

"He confessed, already?"

Deakins shut the door to the office before turning and facing him. "It happens."

Bobby looked over at Alex who was sitting on the table against the far wall under the windows. She gave him a light shrug with a tight smile. They had rushed back to One P.P. in hopes of finally breaking Taylor Price, and the creep already confessed.

"Taylor knew we had him; he was caught in the act, just how you said it needed to happen." Deakins crossed his arms as he shrugged. "There was nothing else he could do. He didn't even wait until he was even here. The officers that brought him here were the ones to file the report."

It was done. Taylor Price was no longer roaming the streets, preying on innocent victims; he was going to be charged with first degree murder and countless others. So why was he left feeling empty and angry. Bobby caught a glimpse of movement out in the squad room. When he looked, he spotted Taylor being escorted down the hall to the holding cells.

Taylor was searching the room and when his eyes landed on his, he smirked.

Bobby watched the sadistic twisting of the kid's lips as a deathly light lit in his dark eyes. Something wasn't right, he could feel it. The game wasn't over yet. It was too simple.

Taylor Price didn't just wake up one day and turn into a serial killer. And a pretty good one at that. There had to be other victims, or at least, a first victim. Someone he buried, or still had.

"Bobby?"

Deakins confused voice landed on deaf ears as Bobby opened the office door and was following behind the two officers who had to restrain Taylor as the kid tried to turn toward him.

_This wasn't big enough for Taylor. _Bobby very quickly went over his profile of the kid, everything from the interrogation to the videos. The kid wanted to be famous; he wanted his crimes to be studied, his name in the paper and in text books. _This wasn't big enough. Either he wasn't supposed to have gotten caught yet or...He let himself get caught._

Taylor was missing for an hour before the police caught him. _What was he doing for an hour?_

Bobby strolled through the holing cell doors and before the officer could shut the cell door and lock it, he was pushing his way through it.

"Uh, Detective?"

"Give us a minute," Bobby said as he leveled Taylor with a curious stare.

"But--"

Bobby jerked his head toward the officer and nearly growled, "Leave us."

The officer nervously glanced back-and-forth between them before he shut the cell door, locked it, and then left the room.

Bobby wasn't surprised to see Alex enter the room as the officer left. He could see Deakins just outside the door. Taking a cautious glance toward Alex, he saw that she didn't agree with what he was doing but she wasn't going to say anything. Not yet anyway.

Focusing back on the reason he had himself locked into a cell, Bobby eyed Taylor as he stepped back and rested against the wall. It was a small cell, not much room especially for two people. Taylor, despite the teasing glint in his eyes, didn't move or say anything.

Bobby took a moment to size the kid up and once he was ready and the kid was itching to show that he was indeed scared, he smiled. "You're very good. I give you that."

Taylor didn't know what to do then. The glint in his eyes was gone and the smirk had withered to a tight lipped frown. "I don't know what--"

"Where is she?"

Surprise filled the young kid's eyes for a brief moment. Bobby grinned wider. Taylor had told him everything in that one moment of weakness. "She? She who?"

"The girl that's going to..." Bobby gestured around, making Taylor step back a little so not to get hit. "Uh, make you...you know, famous."

Taylor started to smile a little as he nervously laughed. "Detective...you have it wrong."

Bobby shook his head as he pushed himself off the wall and stepped closer to the kid. Taylor stepped back further until his legs pressed against the cot. "No, I have it right. This..." he pointed out the hallway, "isn't going to get you anything except a minute blurb on the evening news." He leaned down closer to the kid until he was whispering in his ear. "Two at best."

Taylor glared up at him and shrugged. "I told you before I'm not interested in the news."

"Of course not, you're interested in bigger and better things. History."

Taylor looked over at Alex. "I want my lawyer."

"For what? You already confessed. We're just talking." Bobby smiled again at Taylor before he said, "Sit."

"I don't--"

"Sit," Bobby ordered louder.

Taylor let his knees buckle and he sat heavily on the cot that was under him. "Two words: police brutality."

Bobby let himself laugh at that. "See that camera," he gestured over his head, toward the door.

Taylor glanced briefly over his shoulder and sighed. "Fuck," he mumbled under his breath. Then, he looked up at him and crossed his arms. "I plead the fifth. I'm not saying nothin'."

"Not saying nothin'. Good, then you'll tell me where she is." Bobby heard Alex's soft chuckle off to his right somewhere. At least she found it funny.

When Taylor didn't say anything and kept his eyes trained on the floor, Bobby looked over at Alex and motioned for her to leave. The look Alex threw him was clearly one of protest but she started for the door anyway. Once she was gone, he turned his attention back to Taylor who was still looking at the floor. He sat down next to the kid and rolled his cane around in his hands. "I get it."

Taylor glanced over at him and scooted further down the cot, away from him. "Get what?"

Bobby smirked. Even though Taylor said he didn't want to talk, he was still curious. "The need...and, the desire, to be known. I mean, look at me. Even when I'm not solving a case, I'm front page news. It's...addictive."

"Bad publicity is better than no publicity."

Bobby had to bite back his response to that; they both knew the reference of that quote, no need to address it. He and Taylor understood each other, that was what mattered now, in that moment. "You can cut a deal, lesser sentence for telling me where she's at." He didn't look at Taylor as he kept his eyes on his cane that was constantly twirling back-and-forth in his hands.

"I could, and I could lead you around while Mr. and Mrs. Rich-Money make pleas over the news to me to tell them where their daughter can be found. I could even get money from them. Keep quiet for years until they offer up an reward because they just want to know, they have to know where her body is at so they can have a decent funeral for her. The not-knowing is killing them. And then I could tell, let the whole world know in exchange for life instead of death. Or, I could make it my dying confession just before they stick a needle in my arm."

Bobby stopped his hands and studied Taylor who was now staring at the opposite wall, lost in his own world. "What was it like, the first time?"

Taylor blinked back and stared over at him with dark, maddening eyes.

"You used your hands, didn't you? So she could understand your rage. So...she could suffer. How long did it take for her to finally give up and die?" Bobby felt his own body shiver with his words. Getting himself that far into the killer's mind always made him scared. Taylor was no different; the kid terrified him.

Taylor didn't speak for a moment, and then when he finally did, his voice was too calm, collected, and distant. "It was personal. Used my hands, and...a knife." He leaned on his knees and stared at him as his voice dropped; it was like he was telling him a secret meant only for them. "I would revive her when she would pass-out, didn't want it to end too quickly. It took about two hours; my CD repeated twice before it was over."

Bobby nodded as he stared right back into Taylor's eyes. "No one interrupted you; it was somewhere safe, away from any possible distractions. You wanted to be alone with her."

"It was private."

"Unlike the others," Bobby acknowledged. "They were public. A statement, a, uh...declaration of who you are. Of what will make you known to people. This was your chance at letting everyone know who Taylor Price is. These murders, they were your identity."

Taylor studied his face for a moment before he smiled, just a little. "What's the point of being a killer if no one knows it?"

Bobby felt a chill rush through him at that, but he kept his emotions in check as he smiled back. "Exactly. And what's the point of making a family suffer if you give them hope."

"There is no hope, not for anyone. Everyone dies."

Bobby shifted his eyes to the floor and took a moment to calm his drifting mind. He didn't want to get lost inside of Taylor, and he could feel himself slipping. Even though he couldn't see her, he could still feel Alex there, pulling him back and grounding him. "Even you, but...for you, your name will live on." He looked back over at Taylor and continued, "Why give her parents hope if there isn't any? Taylor, in these public crimes, the victims are the ones remembered, not who killed them. There deaths are more...fixed into our minds because we saw them happen; we didn't see you. The public won't remember you. But, they will if...If you, Taylor, if _you_ give them her." He saw it the moment he had Taylor, now all he had to do was bring him in. "You can be there, the moment we find her and the camera will be on you, and then everyone will see _you_, Taylor Price. The victims will all be forgotten compared to you."

Silence filled the room as he let that settle into Taylor's mind. It didn't take long before he nodded slowly and said, "Tell the ADA I'll give her up for a life sentence."

He got Taylor to agree, to tell them where this unknown lost victim was, but the last thing Bobby felt was satisfaction. As he got up and called for Alex, he felt angry because a part of him that had been missing for nearly three months was feeling complete again. He was back to understanding and identifying with the criminals.

It was a sickening feeling; and it would be a feeling that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

* * *

_En-route to Alex Eames' Apartment_

_Thursday, March 22, 2003_

_Approx. 7:05 PM_

Bobby had grown to realize that despite Deakins tough, no-nonsense display of leadership, the captain really cared for his detectives. That was why after getting Taylor to talk, Deakins cornered them both and asked, if not politely ordered, that they go home and leave the paperwork and everything for tomorrow. Or the next day, if they wanted to take a complimentary sick-day off. Either way, he wanted them to come back rested and ready to go.

The other detectives and uniforms would handle the search and finding of the nameless victim; they didn't need to be there. Bobby was glad for that. He didn't think he could handle seeing the tortured rage that Taylor had unleashed on the young girl. It was startling enough to have a vision in his mind's eye, seeing the reality of it would just be to horrific.

He was feeling vulnerable after letting his mind venture that far and not having that steady strong rock to center him that was Alex Eames. Knowing she was there, just outside the room had helped a little, but it wasn't the same. He was unable to look at her and see her confidence in him or the subtle way she told him to back off. Her voice didn't enter his mind through the chaos that littered it and lifted him out of the dark depths and back to reality.

Yet, somehow, he had made it.

He had kept his sense of self and he didn't lose himself among the chaos. When he had saw Alex enter that room and let him out of the cell that had caged him and Taylor together, he had seen the look in her eyes. Alex trusted him, she had confidence in him, and she never doubted him for a second.

Taking his wandering unfocused eyes off the passing scenery, Bobby rested his head back against the headrest and stared over at Alex. She was solely focused on the task at hand, maneuvering her car through evening traffic toward her home in Rockaway. He had wanted to go out that evening, celebrate and start living his life again. However, he was too drained to even think about doing anything else except shower and crash on the pullout couch and sleep. "Are you mad?"

A flash of concern, fear, and confusion appeared in Alex's eyes before it was gone, leaving a steady focus in its wake. "Why would I be mad?"

Bobby shrugged as he continued to watch her. "I'm gonna have to postpone our date. I don't think I can, uh...deal w-with...all the, uh, people and..."

Alex glanced over at him with a warm soft smile before she returned that smile back to the road. "Bobby, you can't even form a complete sentence right now. Believe me, I wasn't about to let you suffer through a first date just yet."

Bobby frowned at her choice of words, despite the teasing of them, and winced slightly. "I won't be suffering...I'll be with you. Anxious, yes. Scared shitless, absolutely. But, I seriously doubt I'll be suffering." When Alex stopped at a light and looked over at him, he grinned at the reaction he'd got from her.

She was giving him that look again; the one that spoke volumes about her love for him and the impact his honestly had caused to her heart.

The sound of a car horn brought them out of their love stare; Alex cursed under her breath and threw her hand out the window, flipping the guy off. Bobby was momentarily shocked until she glanced over at him with that innocent girl look.

"What?"

Bobby chuckled at that look and made the three inches that separated them disappear as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Experiencing a bit of road rage, Eames," he whispered in her ear before he kissed a spot under it that made Alex push him away for fear of crashing.

"Hey! I'm trying to drive here!" Even though she nearly yelled that at him, she was smiling and trying not to laugh as she said it.

"And I was trying to calm you down before you jump out of the car and beat an un-expecting and helpless man to death. Do you need me to drive?"

Alex shot him a glare that was belated by the teasing smile that never left her. "That'll be the day. At least I'm not trying to hit pedestrians."

Bobby blinked back and retorted ever so calmly, "I don't _try _to hit pedestrians. It's their own fault that they try to play 'Fogger' when they cross the street."

"Hence the reason why I drive," she fired back.

Bobby smiled lightly as he continued to study her. His mind had already drifted from the friendly and easy teasing to the question he had troubling his mind. "I think..." he trailed off as he tried to figure out the right way to say it.

Alex glanced over at him; a tight smile now on her face. "You think what?"

Bobby turned his head slightly so he could stare out the windshield instead of at her. "That maybe we s-should, uh…take our time with this...With us."

Alex didn't really say anything; she gave an encouraging 'oh' and waited for him to continue.

Bobby hated trying to explain things, but it was even harder when it was about relationships. No man understood relationships; they were too complex and confusing. "It's just...Our partnership is the best thing I've got going for me. I-I don't want to lose that if we...don't last."

"What makes you think we're not going to last?"

Bobby huffed out a small laugh as he said, "Wait a couple of months."

Alex breathed out deeply as she slowed down to pay the upcoming toll. "Bobby, I know you."

Bobby looked over at her and caught her eyes. "Eam...Alex, yes, professionally you know me. But, personally...intimately, you don't."

Alex was silent for a long couple of minutes as they drove over the bridge and into Rockaway. "Okay, you're right. I don't know what you're like away from work. And I can't wait to find out who you really are. Isn't that the exciting part of a relationship, the thrill of discovery?"

Bobby stared over at her. This was scaring him half to death and she was optimistic as ever.

"Well?" Alex slowed and came to a stop.

Bobby glanced out the window and noticed they were at her house. "Uh…" he nodded before taking a deep breath. "Honestly, I've never…found out too much about the women I've been with before." When he caught the look Alex shot him, he quickly added, "None of them lasted long. I didn't want to get too…invested."

"And by that you mean too emotionally attached?"

Bobby sighed and opened the door. "Yes. Call me a bad guy or an asshole, lord knows I've been told that before, but I don't regret not asking my dates what they're thinking about when we're having sex."

Alex followed him up the steps. She walked around him once they were by the door. "Is that what they all consisted of?"

"Not always," he mumbled. Bobby eyed the ground and shifted as the nervousness, and shame, coursed through him. His voice was starting to get slurred as he mumbled, "I don't like where this conversation is heading."

"You brought it up." At the sad look he was giving her, Alex smiled apologetically at him. "Sorry."

Bobby glared at her as he ventured into the house and kicked his shoes off. He slung his suit jacket over the back of the couch seconds before collapsing on it; he leaned back, resting his head on the cushion, as he undid his tie.

"You know what I just realized?"

"What," Bobby asked under his breath as he pulled his tie from around his neck and tossed it on the jacket.

"You don't have your cane."

Bobby stilled. _Oh…damn_. "I…uh, think I left it."

Alex sighed heavily and shook her head. "Bobby, you can't go around leaving it places."

"It's at my desk, no one will mess with it," he defended. Bobby peered at the Alex and tried not to smile at the irritation building in her.

"That's not the point."

Bobby rolled his eyes before closing them. "I'll get it tomorrow." His words were getting heavier to say and slurred as he started to drift off to sleep.

"You really are tired aren't you?"

"Exhausted," Bobby muttered.

"…get some sleep."

He barely heard Alex's voice; it sounded like she was coming through a fog before all sound was gone.

_He was back there, in the basement. The silence was creeping into the cage, engulfing him until he started to shake from the fear that was pushing at the front of his mind, telling him to end it all. He could end it now._

"_What're you doing here?" A voice shattered the silence, making it sound like glass breaking. _

_He searched the room, not seeing anything. Then, looking up, he spotted the source of the voice. It was that kid, Taylor, staring through the top of the cage at him. What the hell? _

_Taylor grinned at him as he reached right through the bars like they didn't exist and pulled him out, nearly tossing him across the room as if he weighted nothing. He crashed against the brick wall, facing Taylor, staring into the boy's lifeless eyes. _

"_You understand it, don't you?"_

_He shook his head, not knowing what the kid was asking him. Understood what?_

_Taylor turned and was looking at something on the floor next to him. "Her. How it feels."_

_He followed Taylor's eyes to the floor. A girl lay there, naked, with eyes that resembled a delicate porcelain doll. His stomach turned and it took everything in him to not get sick at the sight. "Taylor." His voice was distant, echoing in the dark room that was slightly starting to tilt._

"_You get it," Taylor demanded. His dark eyes bore into his before he turned toward the girl and was on her in a second. His hands gripped her around the throat as he continued talking to him. "The way…How it's so easy…" he trailed off as he pulled out a knife. "Not wanting to be…disturbed right in the middle. Right when…it becomes ecstasy." _

_The knife barely slid over the girl's throat before a dark red poured over Taylor's hand. He watched numbly from the wall, letting his eyes take everything in as Taylor's words pierced through him, stabbing his heart._

"_This is the best part. Seeing her life just…flow out of her with the blood." Taylor glared back at him. "You knew that. You understood the…delicate nature of this. How it caves, demands privacy. Focus. Control." _

_He shook his head again. "I don't…I've never."_

"_You got blood on your hands too. Problem is, you've never felt the warmth of it. Or the pleasure…" Then Taylor started to laugh. It sounded like cold metal clinging together._

_His whole body started to shake for the cold that filled the room. Trying to get his heavy legs to move, he tried to get out of there, away from Taylor and madness that replaced the silence._

_A loud crack thundered through the room as his back burst into flames. He tried to open the door only to find that his arms were no longer at his sides but over his head, tied to the hook that suspended him in the air. His legs were heavy because he wasn't touching the floor. Another loud crack broke through the room and his skin, igniting a scream that sounded like Taylor's laugh. Cold and metallic._

"_What's your name?"_

_He opened his clenched eyes to be staring into the evil ones of Taylor Price._

_Taylor was holding the whip in his hand, a smug twisted grin on his face. "What's your name?"_

Bobby jerked awake; gasping for air as his hands dug into the couch cushions. It felt like the scars on his back were burning through his shirt. Breathing deeply as his lungs burned, he glanced around the living room that still blurred in his vision. It was barely lit by a lamp on an end table with the rest of the light pouring from the kitchen.

He heard soft humming and smelt pizza lingering in the air. Once his legs felt solid and he could breathe easier, Bobby slowly stood and made his way to the kitchen. Upon sliding the small door open, he spotted Alex at the table watching the oven and sipping on a glass full of soda.

She must have heard him as she looked over at him and smiled. "Sleep okay?"

He stared down at her and nodded. It was a lie of course, but he didn't want to worry her. Not with that nightmare. It wasn't uncommon for him to have nightmares. He'd been having them since he could remember. And after a case like that one and the lingering affects of the abduction, he wasn't surprised that it had caught up with him in a disturbing dream. The difference now was that he wasn't in his apartment but at Alex's. And she was staring up at him just then, inviting him into her home and heart.

Shuffling across the tile floor in socks, Bobby sat heavily in a chair next to her and rested his throbbing head in his hands. He was afraid of speaking; wondering if his voice would betray him and let the pain he was feeling slip.

"Pizza's almost done. That okay?"

He nodded into his hands before rubbing them over his numb face. His body involuntarily shook from the cold air that stung at him from the air conditioner. _Why does it have to be so cold in here?_

"Bobby?"

Bobby glanced over at her with a soft, wary smile. "Hmm?"

Alex was eyeing him with concern and kindness. She went to say something but stopped. Instead, she reached over and pulled him closer to her. He stiffened for a moment, not knowing what she was doing, but then relaxed and let her pull him into her loving arms. She wrapped them around him, kissing at his temple, down his face, and across his jaw before capturing his awaiting mouth.

Their kisses were soft, comforting, and easy. The feel of her perfect lips over his excited a feeling he had never felt before with any other women: it was happiness. And it felt so right. Letting her slip her hot tongue into his mouth and savoring the flavor of her and the way it stirred the muscles in his stomach.

He was having a hard time keeping himself steady as she totally destroyed him with that kiss. Right then he'd be anyone she needed him to be. He suddenly couldn't feel his legs as she easily slipped onto his, straddling his hips, tying him to the chair as her arms wrapped completely around him.

Once she stopped the torture of his lips and attacked his mouth, Bobby was hardly able to breathe. Her hands ventured across his neck and then started down his back, under his shirt and toward the marks that scared it. The scars started to burn through his shirt again as the nightmare danced evilly into his thoughts. Despite himself, he felt his muscles stiffen as his body stilled then shook.

Alex must've felt him as she stopped kissing him. Her dark eyes lifted to his and they were confused as she stared down into his. "What's wrong," she asked.

Bobby distracted his mind for a moment as he slid his hands over her legs and up her back. It gave him time to get his thoughts in order. "It's…I," he breathed out and closed his eyes. His mind finally won its war over his body and he was able to get out, "I don't want to rush…anything."

Alex studied him as he said that and nodded.

Bobby breathed out and closed his eyes, trying to close off the memories that threatened to overtake him. He took a deep breath and added, "It's just…I-I, uh…I don't want you to be like…those other women," he said softly, feeling embarrassed by attempting that. It was a truth; Alex was so much more than all those others. "Because you're not. You're Eames. And, I, uh…I want this to work, to last…" he trailed off as the frustration was building and closed his eyes.

Alex captured his head in her hands and held him still. "Bobby," she demanded.

He slowly opened his eyes to be staring at the most understanding woman he'd ever met. "You're not mad," Bobby stated in astonishment.

Alex sighed and rested her forehead on his. "Bobby, how could I ever be mad at you?"

Bobby smirked. "Give it time."

Alex gave him a soft smile and kissed him deeply, making him regret telling her anything that would keep her from doing that. "Time I've got."

He smiled against her lips and pulled her close. They were hugging each other and had returned to exploring each other mouths when he smelt something. Bobby broke the kiss and looked around Alex to the stove. "I think the pizza's burning."

"Shit," Alex cursed as she leaped off his lap and turned the oven off. "Damn it, Bobby!"

Bobby forced a playful chuckled out as he helped her by taking the burnt pizza out of the oven. "How's this suddenly my fault?"

Alex was still frustrated even though she was smiling over at him. "You kissed me. That's a huge distraction."

He felt the blush that crept up his neck. Bobby eased the hot pan onto the top of the stove as he examined the burnt crust. "If I'm not mistaken, you kissed me first." Somehow, even his teasing sounded forced and flat; like it was a lie.

Alex crossed her arms and huffed out a breath of air. "Still your fault."

Bobby shook his head at the black crust on the bottom and the burnt cheese on the top. "Then, we'll order in; I'll buy."

Alex was already picking up the phone and hit a familiar number. When she caught his stare she shrugged. "I live off restaurants."

"You and me both; I think Papa Louie's Pizza is number one on my speed dial." Bobby picked up the disaster pizza and tossed it into the trash.

Alex smiled before adding seriously, "They are the best in town."

Bobby watched Alex on the phone for a moment before he headed into the living room. His bag was resting next to the couch on the floor; picking it up he searched around until he found a shirt and sweatpants. As he passed the kitchen he got Alex's attention and mouthed, "Shower."

As soon as he was in the bathroom with the door locked and shower water running, Bobby slid to the floor as his legs gave up on him; he pulled them up to his chest and buried his head in his hands as he let the anger and pain rush from him in a choked sob that wrecked a wave of hurt through his body.

By the time he left the bathroom after his shower, the pizza had already arrived and Alex was sitting on the couch, legs tucked under her, and looking concerned. Bobby didn't like that look on her face, especially when he knew it was directed toward him.

She watched him as he tossed his dirty clothes by his bag before rampaging through it in search for his razor. He needed a shave.

"Have you decided anything yet?"

Bobby kept his eyes on the razor in his hand as he stood. "What'd you mean?" When she didn't answer, he glanced up at her.

Alex was watching him closely with her cop eyes taking everything in. "I mean, you're living out of your gym bag, Bobby."

He glanced down at his bag then up at her. "You're the one that forced me to leave my apartment."

"Yeah, because you weren't sleeping or taking care of yourself," she retorted a little too defensively.

Bobby hung his head and felt the emotions crept back up his body. His hand rubbed at the back of his neck as he sighed heavily. He was too tired for this conversation. He just wanted to get his razor and shave. Not discuss things. "I don't know, okay?" He headed back toward the bathroom and closed the door.

He hated thinking that he had to shut her out like that; he usually wasn't that way, but his fear was getting to him. Before, when he was with someone, he knew it wouldn't last. And he was telling the truth when he said he never got invested in them; there was no point. With Alex, it was different. And it would be different. That scared him.

This was a relationship he'd never been in before. A committed one where he had to be more…open and…Bobby shook his head in frustration. He couldn't even come up with the right word.

What was he getting himself into?

He stared at himself in the mirror and the urge to shave faded as he tossed the razor on the counter and gripped the edges of the sink. After banging his head on the mirror, he rested his forehead against the glass and closed his eyes. He never thought he had a fear of commitment until now.

How could he be afraid of Alex? Easily, she was his partner. She worked with him. She loved him. And she had the power to destroy him, both professionally and personally. She wouldn't of course, but his mind was still aching over the thought.

In one day he had gone from wanting to be with Alex, feeling her love and confidence in him, to barely being able to look at her just now in the living room.

God, he must really love her bad if she was putting him through this much confliction already. He'd never been in love before and this wasn't what he expected it to feel like.

He knew the real problem was that he didn't want to hurt her; that with him it was going to take a lot of time for him to come around. And she needed to know that. She needed to know that he'd never been here before and that it was freaking him out. And all he could hope for was that she wouldn't give up on him.

Opening the door, Bobby slowly exited the bathroom as he was debating about whether to actually confront her or not. He was acting like that scared little boy again as his hands fidgeted with each other. It took him a long moment to cross the floor down the little hall and spot Alex still on the couch, but this time she was resting her elbows on her knees and nursing a cup of tea.

How long was he in the bathroom?

"I thought you fell asleep in there."

Bobby stilled his shuffling feet as he watched as Alex leaned back on the couch and smiled up at him. He didn't smile back. All his thoughts were running through his head and he tried to settle on a starting point, but was coming up empty. Relaying back a murder case seemed like nothing compared to telling his….girlfriend? about what was going on in his brain. "Um, we…" He stopped. The dreaded words 'we need to talk' almost spilled from his lips. He didn't want to talk, but he had to.

Hell, he didn't even know if it was okay to think of her as his girlfriend yet. And it sounded weird anyway.

Alex was now staring at him with that concerned look again. She really needed to stop that. "What's the matter?"

Everything damn thing, Bobby wanted to say but didn't. He started to pace the short distance in front of the couch. "Nothing, it's…just this relationship thing…" he trailed off as he tried to explain that further.

Alex was silent for a long moment as she stared up at him confused. "Wow, you really are freaking out aren't you?"

Bobby stilled his pacing and crossed them over his chest. "I…I can't stop it." He sat down next to her and finally faced her. "You do know that this isn't going to be easy. I'm going to need time to let you in, and space. I'm always going to need my own place. And…I-I, uh, I can be a real jerk at times."

Alex took all that in before smirking. "I've been married before, Bobby. I know how men can be jerks. Even good ones."

"I just wanted to let you know that," Bobby said with relief. His chest was starting to feel lighter, less constricted. "Is, um…is that okay?"

Alex raised her eyes in surprise. "Bobby, that's fine. Like I said, I'm not rushing anything and I'm already expecting you to freak out and run at least once before you realize that you're being an idiot."

Bobby smiled at that.

Alex reached up and cupped his chin. "I thought you were going to shave?"

Bobby shrugged as he reached over and took a slice of pizza. "I'll do it in the morning." He settled back on the couch and silently ate as he let Alex snuggle up to his side and rest her head against his chest. The feel of her against him ignited a spark deep in him. He stared down at her as he watched her shift further against him, nearly burying herself in his warmth. Suddenly not feeling real hungry, he finished the one slice and cleared his throat. "You know, I've been thinking…"

Alex sighed and rolled her eyes at him. "You really have to stop thinking."

His arms wrapped around her and turned her around, facing him. "I do, huh?" Bobby softly asked as he stared longingly into her eyes.

Alex was taken back by his sudden move, but recovered nicely as she teased. "I thought you didn't want to rush things."

Bobby leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. "Haven't you heard," he said as he pushed Alex further down on couch until he was nearly resting on top of her. "I have an unstable personality. You can't trust what I say."

Alex smiled into his next kiss before parting her lips and letting him slip his tongue in. As they relaxed into each other, slowly discovery one another more intimately, he felt himself forgetting his fears. It didn't take him long for him to wonder why he ever doubted them, doubted their connection and the possibility of happiness. As their tongues danced with each other and their bodies mended and became one, Bobby had never felt happier.

The End…

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I know, I bypassed the love scene with this but my epilogue will make up for it. Promise.


	15. One Year Later

**A/N:** Okay, here is that promised Epilogue. This is part of the second chapter to the sequel story entitled 'Down by the River'. I'll have it up and posted when time permits because I do want to get all of 'Another Day in Paradise' posted and completed before I throw another story out there.

**Rated:**** M** for adult relations.

Enjoy!!

* * *

_Monday, October 4, 2004_

There was a coldness tickling his legs but his chest was comfortably warm. He felt safe, happy, and content with lying right where he was and never getting up. A hot breath skidded over his throat as his arms wrapped tighter around the woman who was draped over his left side. The silky smooth skin teased at his fingertips, spending a shiver down his spine.

He had yet to open his eyes, he didn't need to. During the past year and a half, he had memorized every scar, every curve, every spot that made the woman on him quiver and every spot that made her scream; every way of making her feel loved, wanted, and his.

Alex had succeeded in making him forget about the foolish belief that he was happier alone. So he spent his waking hours reminding her just how truly grateful he was that she was still there with him and loving him even though his insecurities remained, his stubbornness continued, and his secrets stayed just that: secret.

Even now, when she was asleep, he messaged her back with his fingers, keeping her at peace in her dreams. He never wanted her to feel troubled, not while she was with him. There had been times when she had hid her troubles from him, when a case got rough and she was doing all she could to not let it show. But she could never hide from him for too long. It always came out, either in a sudden fight over something trivial or the silent treatment that lasted hours. She had her tells.

Then once he got her to admit that she wasn't upset with him but she was fuming over something work related or something with a family member, they were okay again. And the makeup sex was wonderfully hot and heavy, clumsy and rushed and perfect. It wasn't always like that; sometimes it was tender and sweet, teasing and long and perfect. No matter how they got started or how they ended, it was always perfect. They were together and that was all that mattered.

Last night had been different.

It was one of those nights where they were both angry about something and their frustration built until they devoured each other. It had showed in every way possible as they ravaged one another like hungry wolves. They didn't even bother to take off their clothes until after they were breathless and drifting into sleep.

That had been one of the very few times where the word 'fucked' could be used to describe what they had done to each other. And from the way he felt right then, he didn't know if he wanted it to ever happen again. It wasn't that his body felt bad, his mind felt bad.

Alex stirred lazily in his arms and his arms tightened just a fraction to let her know he was there with her; he wasn't going to let her go useless she pried them apart. He felt the trickle of hair on his face and he turned his head, barely parting his eyes.

She was staring at him with a sleepy smile on her natural face. Alex had never looked more beautiful. He knew she would disagree, saying something like it was morning and her hair was a mess and she wasn't wearing makeup and blah, blah, blah…

The way Alex reached up and rubbed at her eyes like a child made him smile a sleepy smile right back at her.

"Thinking about me?"

Bobby's grin grew as he stared into her tired glossy brown eyes. "I don't have to think anymore," he said as he leaned forward and lightly kissed her eyelids. "Mmm, you're so warm." He buried his face in her neck as he rolled them onto their sides.

The smell of them together was unlike anything in the world. It was heaven. She was heaven and she took him there every time she looked at him, spoke to him, touched him…kissed him.

Alex's arms wrapped around his neck and started to soothe his back and head with soft caresses.

They didn't say anything for a long time as they held each other, letting their hands and fingers soothe their tired and sore muscles into gentle ease. It wasn't meant to excite or demand; it was to comfort and to say the words that they should have said last night before they hastily went at each other when their angry words had died and settled between them like knives stabbing at their hearts. They hadn't gone to bed angry; they had fucked each other angry. And that felt a million times worse.

Finally, not being able to take the silence anymore, Bobby hesitantly asked, "Are we okay?"

Alex stilled her soft caresses and pulled away from him so she could look into his eyes. He saw a number of things boring from her almond colored eyes: confusion, fear, and grief, but what pushed all those aside and what poured from the words she spoke was love. "Yes, we are."

Three simple words and that was all it took to let him breathe out the weight he had been holding in. Bobby captured her mouth in his and thanked her by pleasuring the lips that he had bitten hours before. In all the years he'd known Alex he had thought that he could never, ever be angry at her about anything to where it clouded his judgment and threatened his temper.

But then he fell in love with her, and love always made him do stupid things like igniting an already stressful and heated discussion into a full-force, no holds bar, yelling match. Neither of them had won; they had both lost that battle. And he was in no rush to go a round two.

He really wished he could say that he couldn't remember what the fight was about. It would have been easier than to know that it was something that _would_ be dealt with again. And again, and again, because even though he loved Alex to his death, there were some things that she didn't need to know.

She had said it herself to him before, that she had secrets and that some weren't meant to be told. When she had forgotten that last night, it had spurred their little war. In all things considering, she should have been apologizing to him; she should have been the one to ask the heavy question that pulled at both their hearts, and she should be the one making him moan like that as he deepened the kiss and made love to her mouth.

However, even though she started it, he was the one that wouldn't let it go. He was the one that lashed out at her first, and he was the one that had bit her when she had tried to apologize just seconds before he pushed her into the wall and attacked her like some crazy sex-driven beast.

The only thing that shocked him worse than what he had done to her was what she had done to him. Instead of kneeing him in the balls and letting him whimper like the dog he had been acting like, she took him to the floor and gone at him just the same. It had been scary, sexy, and damn near irresistible all at the same time.

Last night Alex had achieved the unthinkable; she had driven him completely out of his mind.

And now, she was going to pay for that.

"Bobby," Alex breathed out as he released her mouth and started on her neck.

The taste of her salty skin on his tongue never ceased to excite him. With soft feather kisses and the teasing of his warm tongue over her skin, Alex began quivering in his arms. Her hands continued to knead at his shoulders and back, and run through his hair and then along the back of his neck. She was urging him on, welcoming him; loving him.

His hands started wandering. Capturing her breast in his right hand he massaged it, mended it to his hand as he caressed over her nipple until she was panting in deep breaths. With his left hand, he ran his fingers down along her leg, leaving a trail of fire hot skin before he lifted her leg up around his waist, giving him better access to her ass which he playfully squeezed.

"Oh, God…" Alex voice was thick, heavy with want. "My whole body feels like it's on fire."

Bobby kissed her neck one last time before reclaiming her mouth. Their hot tongues and lips tangled and danced with each other, igniting the burning pleasure within them even more. He released her tortured breast as he brought her left leg up to lock with the other one. His fingers ran up her thighs, causing goose-bumps in their wake.

Her body shivered under his hands as he smoothed them up her sides before he sliding them under her body, lifting her against him as he pressed down into her. He held her tight against him as he shifted forward; their wet tongues slid apart as he started to fill her.

Unlike last night, he took it slow as he entered her; feeling her warm wetness surround his aching member sent shivers down his spine. She was always ready for him. "God, Alex…hmm, so good…incredible…"

He felt her tremble under him as he pushed in one more long and agonizing slow time, completely filling her. He heard her breath hitch as she bucked up to him. She had taken him all in and it felt so incredibly good. It was the best place on earth, being buried in her like that.

"Bobby, please," she pleaded with a silky moan.

The love he was feeling intensified as he heard her voice and knowing that she wanted and needed him just as much as he wanted and needed her. Kissing her over her neck then over her bruised, swollen red lips he started a slow, gentle rhythm; easing in and out of her so they could enjoy the feel, building on that tight spark of pleasure that began to grow deep within them.

"Bobby….Bob-by…"

He loved to hear his name on her lips as she gasped and moaned with every thrust that got deeper and faster. It urged him on as he gripped the bed sheets under his hands tighter and picked up the pace, sending her speechless, breathless, and gasping for more.

He started in on her neck again as one of her soft hands clenched his back, digging nails into his skin. The pain caused him to hiss but it only fueled the fire within him more. "Alex," he whispered into her ear as he drove into her. "So good…feels so good, Al--" the words caught in his throat as the pleasure started to become too much.

She responded by groaning as her legs pulsed and tightened around him. Oh, God, it was getting harder to think, to say anything as his breath came in short gasps. He was getting close; he could feel the heat engulf his stomach, the growing tightness between his legs. Alex was close too; she wasn't speaking and her breath was hitching and catching with every thrust.

"Bobby," Alex managed to squeak out; her voice was thick with the need to come.

The burning wet walls around him suddenly caved on him. Alex bucked hard as she barely got out his name before the words caught in her throat. He groaned and thrust as deep as he could into her one last time. He nearly froze as the quaking wave of pleasure overwhelmed him as Alex trembled under him.

Neither one of them wanted to move. He especially didn't as he hugged her shaking body to him as she came down, back to him. He could stay just like that for the rest of his life.

"Don't…even think…'bout moving," she panted into his ear.

He smiled into her sweaty neck, releasing a deep and heavy breath. He wasn't going anywhere.

Suddenly a loud voice interrupted their blissful afterglow. "Good morning on this rainy Monday morn--"

Bobby smacked the alarm clock so hard it nearly tumbled off the side of the nightstand. "Damn alarm," he grunted into Alex's neck.

Alex chuckled into his shoulder and turned to look at him. "It's Monday."

Bobby groaned and went back to breathing in her hair. "Not in my world."

Alex grinned as she rubbed his back. "I know, but we have to get up. Deakins will fire us if we're late."

Bobby peered at her with one open eye. "That'll be the day."

"Move your ass, Goren," the strict tone she was going for was ruined as she started laughing. "I need a shower."

"You smell amazing; sweat, sex, and me. It's a wonderful combination."

She smacked him on the shoulder as she continued to giggle under him. "I mean it."

Bobby finally shifted up onto his right elbow, slowly slid out of her, and then rolled onto his back. He moaned at the loss of her around him and sighed in frustration. "If you weren't so slow at getting ready, we could have laid here for another half-hour."

"Uh-huh, and when I get out of the shower you better have coffee ready for me."

"Yes, my Queen." Bobby smiled warmly over at her and watched as she made her way toward the bathroom, naked. "Love the view."

"Thought you would," she fired back before she disappeared into the bathroom.

Minutes later he heard the shower start up. Well, he had to get up but he couldn't find the will or energy to do so. Why did Alex have to be so damn irresistible? She was a wicked, wicked woman.

He rolled back over onto her side of the bed and breathed in the scent left in the sheets. Just leave him there; he could call in sick or something couldn't he? Alex could too; then they could spend the whole day wrapped around each other.

Bobby was slipping into the comfortable gentleness of sleep when he heard the alarm go off again. Gripping the clock radio, he yanked it hard, pulling the plug right out of the wall. Lying back down, he stared at the ceiling as he heard the water splash in the shower. He had to get up and the only thing that motivated him was the thought of that water running over Alex's body. If he couldn't spend the day in bed with Alex, maybe he could at least spend some time with her in the shower.

Rolling out of bed, he headed toward the bathroom. "Hey, Alex," he called over the running water. He stuck his head around the curtain and smiled at the sight of the naked soaped up woman before him. "Want company?"

Alex peered over her shoulder at him. "Am I still going to get my coffee?"

Bobby grinned as he pulled the curtain closed after he stepped in. "Of course," he said right before his lips reclaimed hers.

TBC…In the next story.


End file.
